having another child

[philosophymum]

DS is currently an only child. He's 4, has ASD, non-verbal, I'd say he's fairly severely affected. We always meant to have more children, but we kind of froze in panic when we got the dx when DS was 2, and we've been dithering about it ever since. But he'll be starting reception in September and I'd say we were coping pretty well and are about as ready as we'll ever be to have another child. So what I hope those of you who've been there will tell me is, how did your ASD children cope with a new baby in the house? How did you prepare them? What kind of things did you have to deal with? What made it work out? I'm worried about jealousy, I'm worried about DS hurting the baby, I'm worried about DS losing his few hardwon skills, I'm worried about his behaviour getting a lot more difficult... actually, I'm just worried about everything. Am I crazy to even be thinking about this?

It has worked out extremely well for us - though did not know at time that DS1's problems were so serious - or might have been too scared to consider 2nd child. There are limits to what you can plan as all ASD children are so different but I'm sure whatever happens you will find your own way and both children will benefit in so many ways. The main problem for us was and is the amount of time DS1 needs as he cannot be left to cope as an NT 5 year can be left so in some ways it is like having twins - One is 5 and the other is 3. But we don't know any different and so for us it is the norm

Hi, as every child with ASD is so different i guess it's hard to predict how things could go. When my son with ASD had a little brother he was almost unaware of him for sometime...until his little brother started toddeling, and following him around.
I always drove home the 'be gentle to the baby' message and thankfully he always was.
He hated it when his little brother started walking and talking and following him around the house demanding that his big brother acknowledge him. He would hide from his baby brother a lot.
In time the youngest wore down his big brothers resolve to ignore him though and now they are 8 and 6 and the very best of friends.
The younger one looks out for his bigger brother a lot, so in many ways it is like he is the older one but it makes little difference really.
I was told that sometimes a younger sibling can make an ASD child more introverted but i'm glad no one said that to me back then as it hasn't been the case.
I feel very lucky that things have turned out the way they have. I think we all find our own ways of coping regardless though.
It's so hard to know what to do for the best sometimes.
I hope some more people on here have something a bit more helpful to offer Jo

Hi, another happy story here. DS was 3.5 when DD born. He has ASD but fairly high functioning. He spend her first year pretty much ignoring her or occasionally yelling in her ear just to stress me out.
But since then he has absolutely loved her and because of the age gap (they're now 5 and 2) they do loads of stuff together (watch teletubbies for example which his peers are too old for) and he loves to teach her how to do things. The latest being blowing bubbles in her milk with a straw which she thinks is hilarious.

Having a very little baby to look after with another high needs child was very hard work for a while, but I do think its paid off and we're a happier family as a result.

I did worry about it when we decided to try for DD2. DS is 2.10yrs old, ASD, non verbal but a loving & affectionate child. He was used to being the sole focus of our attention and i wondered how he would handle a baby coming in to share that and it was hard in the first few months. He began by trying to ignore her ( probably in some vain hope that she'd disappear soon) then he gradually got really testy and would cry (tantrum style!)for ages if she even so much as sniffed...and if she actually cried, well it was a full meltdown! It was a trying few months but DD2 is 7 months old now and she's taught forced him to share his toys and to tolorate other children more than he ever could in the past. She's also been a great motivator for DS to communicate with us & He's accepted her now and will even do nice gestures like pick up her dummy and hand it to her on occasion. He's even been known to give her a quick kiss when he's in a good mood. So i guess what you need to know is that it's perfectly normal to worry about everything in this suituation( i did!) but it'll come out fine in the end and your DS can only benefit from having a sibling HTH

And another happy story here too. DS was always a bit different, very intense, but wasnt diagnosed til a coupl of weeks ago with Aspergers, and we also suspect he has Tourettes. He is nearly 7.

He is our oldest. We had number 2 when DS was 18 months, and number 3 when he was 4. With each sibling he directed any anger at lack of attention etc at us and was always always loving, gentle and protective towards his sisters when they were babies. We also feel that even when he is getting social problems at school he always had his sisters to fall back on at home, they will always love him unconditionally and dont care what his "problems" are, to them he is their big brither and he is who he is.

I'll be honest and say if we knew we were going to have problems with DS we would have found it much harder to go on to have ore children, but I am sooooooooooo glad we did

HTH xxx

I have this experience with a child with ASD who is also pretty severe and who was older, 6 years old, when we had DD

I worried about all the same things as you did. I was pretty sure that I would not be able to leave DS2 alone with DD as he was unpredictable and occasionally aggressive.

My DH brought him to hospital when she was born. DS2 had not really understood the whole pregnant thing - we had tried to explain as had his school but we were not sure if he understood.

Atthe hospital he saw her but was more interested in me. Only when we went to leave did I realise how much he understood about it. As we were collecting my things he became very anxious. He managed eventually to make us understand that he was 'wowwied' that we were not taking 'Baby Madeleine' home.

He loves her. She is 7 now. She is fantastic and has started helping him with only a slight inclination to being bossy. he loves to watch her playing and will play very simple chasing stuff etc whichthey both love

When she was small it was hard to explain to her that they were treated differently - she could do things he could not and vice versa but she gets it now.
She goes to a girls school but still insists that DS2 joins in with her birthday party which he does ( he has been a fairy, a pirate and a witch ), he gets concerned when she is not about and they hold hands when we go out.

You HAVE to work extra hard at it, we have to make sure they both feel that they get special time and treats oftheir own, but DS2 loves her around and DD has learnt a great deal about compassion and sharing and love.

I suspect that at some stage she will go through stages of being embaressed or disintetested etc ( we have an older son and he did all of these things at times) but like DS1 I figure it will even out in the end.

It was a great experience for all of us. DS2 tries harder to play and be with his sister and has skills he would not were it not for her. DD is very wise and very sweet for a little 7 years old.
Its great

Thanks everyone, that's really reassuring. I kind of know that I'll cope with whatever happens, because coping is the only option, but it's good to hear other people's stories. Good point about the age gap working in our favour, since DS does still play mostly with the toys he's had since he was 18mo and likes simple 'baby' games.

I have a 19 month age gap between DS2 and DD. When I had DD we didnt have a dx for DS.

Honestly it isnt great, but not in an awful screaming way, but in the fact that DS wil not interact with DD in anyway. He moans if she touches his toys, moans if I do anything with her and gets distressed if she comes to close.

I was hoping that playschool would help him accept her more but it hasnt, he just completely ignores her 95% of the time. She is 17 months and is moving around, talking etc (all things I thought would make him take notice) but still nothing.

Im sorry its not very positive, but every child is different and so your DS might be like all the other, more positive stories

DS1 was 2.5 and not yet diagnosed when we had DS2 and despite us working hard to prepare him with books and dolls and everything we could think of, he didn't take well to the new arrival. He lost language skills for a while, but soon caught back up to the level he was at, previously. We couldn't leave them alone together for a second and we had a lot of acting out and even now, almost 4 years on, there isn't a strong bond between the boys (though at least DS2 can stick up for himself a bit better, now).

Not all kids are the same, ASD or not, though and even though DS2 turned out to also have autism and we sometimes feel like we're being tag teamed by them, we have no regrets.

We had our 2nd before dd1 was diagnosed (even though we kind of knew dd1 HAD as), Dd1 was 2.1 when Dd2 was born, dd1 was diagnosed when she was 3, by then dd2 was also being accessed for what turned out to be a more severe ASD, they are now the best of friends (dd1 is 6 and dd2 is 4), they now play together and dd1 is very protective over dd2. They are both totally different children

Hi

I ahve 4, ds1 has AS (but lots of side issues that mean he has more severe issues than the name suggests), and ds3 has autism.

When we had ds2 / ds3 we did not know about the asd but we had ds4 almost 2 years ago in full awareness of botrh the likelihood he could be affected and also the possible effects on the family.

overall, I would say being part of a large family has been far better therapy than money could every buy for more boys, they have learned tolerance and actually ds3 went from minimal language to verbal around the same time (also coincided with the advent of SLT provision and a palce at SNU though).

Some things are a PITA- for example ds4 can't be left alone with the boys so he has to sleep with us and stays on the sofa until we go to bed at night. Overall though it has been a huge plus.

Ds (moderate autism) was 8 when dd arrived. She was an unplanned pregnancy and I was devastated because ds was so diifficult aggressive, rigid, destructive etc.
We spent five months preparing ds for a baby. He saw photo's, dvd's,he heard babies crying, he smelled baby powder and other toiletries and eventually he met a real baby.
The preparation paid off dd wasn't a surprise as ds knew what to expect and he has loved her since day 1. He is kind, gentle and tolerant of dd when he rarely is with anyone else and they share a special bond.Dd was diagnosed with autism at two also but it has been easier second time round and they are both really wonderful kids who have benefited hugely from each other.