How many of your allegedly supportive friends have drifted away?

[thederkinsdame]

I am feeling very let down by several supposed friends after DS's dx. These are people are part of a group I have known since he was a baby and have steadfastly supported through their own crises. In spite of their initial pronouncements that nothing had changed, they are drifting away and I am shocked that it has happened so quickly and that people who were once close to us can be so shitty.

I have noticed that on the few occasions me and DS are invited on playdates, a mutual friend will ALWAYS cancel if she hears we are going. Other friends have stopped calling, and if I do text them come up with empty promises of 'oh lets meet soon.' One friend recently replied to a group e-mail when I offered to lend her some equipment she was after with a terse 'it's ok we've got it' ignoring my enquiries as to how she was getting on and blanking an invitation round completely. DH and I were shocked at her rudeness, as it was so unexpected and out of character.

It breaks my heart when we drive past the houses of these kids who were such a big part of his life and DS asks if he can go and play. Myself, I feel desperate for him to interact with as many children as he can, no matter if they are NT or otherwise, as I feel it will help his social skills, but I feel that the chances are getting more and more limited as we don't get invited to birthday parties or play dates at nursery either.

I know that it is inevitable and on the plus side we have met some lovely parents through local support groups who we wouldn't have otherwise encountered and I feel that some of these people will turn out to be solid friends. But I feel that pretty soon, apart from four friends who have been unswerving in their support, all our friends will be parents of other kids with ASD. So is this everyone else's experience? Is it possible to make new friendships with parents of NT kids, or do you find that gradually you tend to orientate yourself with people who understand? I

Hi there,

I can really relate to what you're saying, I've found the whole 'growing apart' thing from friends with whom I was really close when all our DCs were babies/toddlers quite painful. But I think I just accept that once you're into proper socialising (ie school-age) his difficulties make him challenging to other children and children aren't as good as adults at tolerating 'difficult' people. It does make me feel really sad but it's still a process and I'm hoping that as I learn to do things differently then other ways to encourage DS's social life and/or build up his self-esteem will emerge.

Meanwhile when it comes to me: I'm determined to maintain friendships with people who've been supportive and not let our children define that. I've sort of opted out of child-based activities and pushed harder for adult-based socialising and found that our friendships thrive much better in this environment. Sort of separating out his and my social life I suppose. I wish I could be more like NT parents and their DCs happily playing together while they sip coffee and chat but I think I'm going to have to let that one go. Still in the process of working out what his social life is going to be about.... I

But I'm really sorry for what you're experiencing. It's not easy, is it.

God, what vile people you know! Where do you live, somewhere in the mid 1950s where Stepford women still wear pinnies and put lipstick on to greet their husbands when they come home? Any friend who stops calling because your child has SN is a vile, snobby person and imho karma will get them in the end. You are better off without such people, believe me, I spent some years trying to "bring round" people and getting hurt by thoughtless things they said. Now my view is that anyone who acts like this is simply ignorant, and I won't mix with disabilists, any more than I will with racists. Oooh, v angry on your behalf!!!

Thanks for all your messages of support.

roundwindow, sadly it is not the children (still at pre-school) but the parents who are preventing interaction, hence my reluctance to socialise with people who cannot accept my son. I feel that would be hugely disloyal of me.

sickofsocalledexperts LOL it feels that way! I just hate the 'oooh it doesn't matter to us' we're so right on-ness, then the exclusion from invitations and the vague-ness when coffee is mentioned. If there is one thing I cannot stand it's a hypocrite! I wish they would just be honest and say 'look I don't think I can handle this.'

Riven people can be so unkind, can't they? I cannot believe people would actually turn around and say they 'can't cope' I hope you told them where to get off! I am glad that you have made other friends, too. I hope they are more supportive.

I have had the same experience.Because DS wasn't diagnosed until late people just thought he was badly behaved and therefore a bad influence on their children. I am sorry to say it even happened to us at Church.
Our solution has been to stick to adults more and I have made friends through work.
Also parents of SN children are usually going to be supportive because they know what it's like.
Have also found a Church which does accept children with difficulties I am pleased to say.

Hi Thederkinsdame
That sounds tough - is really disappointing when you realise your friends are not prepared to offer any support. I hope this changes for you from now on...

Like Riven, after dds terrible birth and subsequent problems, I realised that friends were really uncomfortable talking about dd and asking me how I was feeling. Although I do still have the same friends for the most part, I just don't talk about it because I know what will happen to the conversation. So we all just avoid the topic and I come on mumsnet to ask the questions and get the support I need!!

Thank god for mumsnet! I find here and the supportive friends we do have a real blessing, but I wish that I could make things better for DS.

I have found I am quite ruthless with my friendships now. People who I would have expected to be supportive to me and encourage play dates with their children have been downright ignorant and those people who I didn't expect support from have really stepped up and helped me. Its a funny old world. Thank god for mumsnet too!

how rotten derkins, I guess that friendships where the common denominator is having same age kids can be a bit shallow. I was lucky in that I kept the few friends with children I had, and my online into real life friends but that I found making new friends virtually impossible (with one exception, a wonderful lady I met at nursery, who has sadly moved several hundred miles away), as toddler group mummies mostly seemed to swerve us.

I too found that some friends drifted away -but at the same time we moved 100's of miles away when dd2 was 18 months, just being diagnosed, and after a couple of rocky starts at cliquey toddler-groups, I have made many friends here who accept all my dc's as they are. I thinks some of the frienships will drift apart anyway, whether one of you has a child with sn or not. It happens. However I do thinks that toddler groups seem to instil a sort of "aagh, it must be catching" mentality in some mothers!

Imho, many of the aquaintences/friends you make at baby groups will inevitably drift apart and as dc's get older you will retain a raggle-taggle assortment of friends gathered from all sorts of places.

They are the proper friends.

Interesting that there is only one letter difference between friends and fiends?

melted, I know what you mean about 'agh! it's catching' mentality. I think that's what has happened with some of our so-called friends.

I don't want to sound harsh about your 'friends' but they are not friends, they are advantage takers and users and you are far better off without them. I have an NT child too so have friends from both worlds but the only problem I have found with the 'NT only' parents is that they tend to over estimate DS1's ability to join with what they have in mind but it's nice that they make the effort to at least invite him. Be glad you have got these toxic people out of your life !

I know it sounds unpleasant but I do agree with TC and think these kind of friendships are built on very shallow foundations.

I have an NT child too and I know that I am a better person and parent from having a child with additional needs. I would say too, that through her I have met people whom I consider it is a privilege to know and be friends with.

I have one friend whom I went to school with and we still see each other she is very supportive of me and my dc's and is always there to listen - we have had our ups and downs (she has 3 dc's nt) but I think that's part and parcel of knowing each other for 20 yrs. She is the only constant apart from family.

I used to hang about in a big crowd which I loved and the craic was brilliant but that changed when we had kids, having ds2 with asd further isolated us for a while as he goes to a separate school from his siblings and it's out of town so he gets the bus.

I have experienced the friend who might "catch" something from us- I am pleasant to her but underneath think she's a bit of a shit.

It can be hard going at times but I have a nice group of friends now, two of the families have children with sn and that has really made a difference.

Thanks for all your replies and support. As much as it makes me feel better that we are not alone, it is really disappointing to hear that so many of us have had the same experience.

A pity we can't mark the intolerant/shitty ones with an indelible inkspot, so that they are easily identified (hmmm - wonders if that makes me intolerant to intolerant people? )

It has been such a relief to read this thread. I had thought it was just us in this situation. And I have spent ages trying to work out why this has happened.