Should I force DS to go to school?

[pinkfluffysheep]

I'm looking for a little bit of advice please, I've never posted anything before so I'm feeling a bit nervous about typing this!

DS is 7, in MS school with 31hrs 1:1 per week. He doesn't have a diagnosis but has been in and out of CAMHS for the past three years because of his behaviour issues, agression and lack of social understanding. He hasn't been coping with school for the past 2yrs but since going into year 3 things have gone from bad to worse.

Two weeks ago he had a total meltdown and begged me to kill him - it's not the first time he has asked but normally he says it with anger, this time however he had cried for hours (very unusual because he never cries) and explained how everyone would be better off. It was heartbreaking but we got through it and I took him to the doctors the next day. The doctor told me to keep him off school, as it is the main contributer to DS's problems, and he would organise another referal.

After just over a week off I sent him back yesterday for half a day, it was difficult but went okay so far as the school were concerned. This morning though was dreadful! He wouldn't get dressed so eventually I took him in some casual clothes, just to get him there. The school manager was a right bitch about it and made him feel stupid so he ran away. I should have just taken him home again but for some reason I made him go back in and collected him at lunch time.

He tells me that he doesn't even do lessons, he just trails around with his 1:1 (who is untrained and used as the school's dogsbody!) doing photocopying jobs etc. or is sent to an older year group because there is a male teacher he has bonded with.

I'm trying to get an early review because I think he'd be better off in a SN school but nobody is helping me. I suppose I was just wondering whether I should continue forcing him to go into school, knowing it's affecting his mental health or should I keep him at home until he hes been reviewed by CAMHS again?

personnaly i would take hm out it seems it is really effecting him and i feel so upset for him for wanting to end his life, its so upsetting just to read that but it must be really effecting you too. The 1:1 isnt that supposed to be helping him not doing stuff like photocopying, he probably feels really isolated from the other children.

As you said it is effecting his mental health and you dont want to worsen that.

The main thing that struck me from your post was complete heartbreak for you at hearing your son tell you to kill him. My DS is younger but also hates school and I fear him going the same way. My heart went out to you. Have a very unmnetty hug.

Second thing that struck me was that the school doesn't sound that great TBH. I am unfamiliar as my son is not statemented yet but if you moved school would his statement for his hours of 1:1 be transferred to the new school or would the process have to begin again?

and yes I would keep him off school.

I really feel for you. Schools are just very hard environments for some children and I know what it is like to constantly question whether you are doing the right thing for your child by sending them their.

Practical points:

Speak to CAMHS urgently. If he's making statements like this, he needs to be seen sooner rather than later as he must be in distress. They prioritise cases and you need to make sure yours is being seen as a priority

I would go back to your GP's surgery and get a medical note if you want to keep him off for anxiety/depression etc. Get another apptment if needs me. Cover your back as schools are so picky about attendance.

In respect of poor 1:1 support, ask to make an appointment to speak to the Head about the issue. This will show you are doing all you can to resolve it.

Speak to Parent Parentnership (your LA will ahve details on their website) and get some advice and someone to come along to a meeting with the head.

Try IPSEA or ACE for further advice.

Good luck and keep posting xxx

Lots of issues here. I don't think any compassionate person would advise you to make him go. I think quite a lot of people in your position try Home Ed.
It might be worth ringing your Parent Partnership for advice if you want to change schools because the school is named on the Statement.
Have you tried medication? Difficult issue I know but once our DS started his meds he became a lot happier in himself and was able to talk about "When I was depressed" implying that he no longer felt that way.

Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

SilverLining: I'm not sure if his hours would transfer with him if I could get him moved - I'm not sure he would need that level of support if he was in a SN school so I'd have to look into that.

Debs: Great tips there, thank you. I've had a look at ipsea and got some good info from there so far. I'mstill waiting for his urgent referal appointment - two weeks on! I'll give the GP a call in the morning and see what he can do.

HappyCamper: I've looked into home ed but I'm concerned that DS will become more and more withdrawn. I'm not sure about meds but tbh anything that will pull him out of this will be worth a try. It's really encouraging to see that your DS has been able to move on.

I just feel like I am constantly fighting but not getting anywhere fast. I don't want DS to lose any more of his childhood.

Hi. Feel for you and your ds. Ihave been there with my ds in the last year of primary school, though built up over good couple of years. He hated school,though academically bright, but really struggled emotionally and socially. On the one hand, school insisted he was fine, and they could cope with him, yet he was excluded several times and we would get daily phonecalls to come and take him home!
Finally, after one such call, and numerous meetings and phonecalls to the useless Educ Psych. Idecided enough was enough. My ds was stressed out and so were the rest of the family.
I told the Head he wouldnt be back,and informed the LEA. My ds was at home for approx 3 months, with only 5 hrs private tution provided by the LEA.
My ds was calmer,and so were we.
Please dont force your ds to go to school. He is emotionally very vulnerable just now, and his mental health must come before his schooling.
Chase up your GP and you chase up CAMHS also. Insist he is seen and explain he is very distressed.
The school will tell you hes ok,but you and he know better-please dont play their game. The fact that they dismissed his coming to school, although not in uniform, speaks volumes to me.(my ds was a runner too).
We fought the school and LEA and it was pretty ugly, but we got our ds into a Specialist School for his secondary placement and it has been soooo much better for him. The school is small, has small classes and there is plenty time for each young person to mature at their own pace-they also follow the curriculm, though this was secondary for us.
Sorry this post is so long, but your ds will only become more and more miserable-even with a 1:1, as he is in the wrong environment. MS really doesnt suit every child. Be firm and clear with everyone what you want for your ds-we were-repeated ourselves ad-nauseum! And, had we failed, we would have home-schooled him, rather than put him back into mainstream. Good Luck.

Know what you mean about Home Ed pinkfluffysheep. We considered it many times but decided we personally would not be able to make sure he actually learnt anything.
Have you been to look at any SN schools or is it just something you are thinking about? Here there is a shortage of SN schools and getting a place is quite hard.

Oh, god, keep him off and write to the school and copy to the LEA/EWO to explain why - include what he said.

And please talk to CAMHS about him making that awful statement. That's just heartbreaking that he's in so much distress

Thanks again everyone for your replies! I have been in touch with the EWO today who was very understanding and assured me that I would not be penalised for keeping DS off school because of the circumstances and our GP has promised a sick-note should we require it.

I had a look at the local SN school when we first got the statement, as I naively thought with 31hrs 1:1 it would be the obvious choice for him, it is a fantastic school with very small numbers and great teacher-child relationships but they said he would be better off in MS at the time. I'm concerned about pinning my hopes on it in case they still have the same view.

All I want is for DS to be happy being himself and not always struggling to fit in.