son not invited on playdates

[et3]

Hi, I'm new and have a 9 year old boy with Aspergers. He has been at the same mainstream school since reception and has the usual social difficulties but does have friends that he absolutely loves to play with, and I am told not only by him, but by his teachers that his friendships are reciprocated.

The problem that I have been facing for awhile now is not with the kids themselves, but with an increasing number of mums who ignore my requests for playdates and the ones who don't reciprocate and have him back to theirs. It has happened enough for me to realize that it is not a coincidence. This is heartbreaking because I don't know what to tell him when he asks why the kids can't play and why he doesn't get asked for playdates

He doesn't have behavioural issues at home & I'm told by staff that he doesn't have them at school either. Like many Asperger's kids he has obssesive interests, mainly with films, lego and computers. He is of normal intelligence and appears shy and withdrawn when with adults, but can be quite animated and funloving with other kids.

I am at a loss as to what to do; I can't make people accept my son, but I (and the school)feel that he is high functioning enough in all areas not to benefit by specialized schooling at this point. In fact my husband and I have been very pleased with the school's responsiveness to his needs and don't know where we would replicate or exceed it.

It could be that our interpretation of his social abilities is not where we thought it was, or perhaps it's the relationship I have with the other parents which despite best efforts, has been patchy. I have struggled with depression since well before my son's diagnosis, and some people have kept their distance as a result. Until now I have found it hard to believe that they would shun my child because of how they feel about me, but I suppose that it is possible.

I would appreciate any advice - all I want is for my son to have friends and it makes me frustrated and sad that we have hit this impass.

Sorry, no advice but didn't want you to be unanswered. STAY STRONG!

I think some people are incredibly ignorant (not in a derrogatory way) about special needs. Actually before I parented my DS (dyspraxia and probable AS diagnosis) I was pretty ignorant about it all. Maybe the other parents are a bit nervous about Aspergers through sheer ignorance and lack of knowledge renders many people unable to cope-a weakness on their part btw not yours. I wonder if your depression has made you a little sensitive to the reactions of others...I remember when I was depressed I made a lot of assumptions about why people were reacting the way they did but I was probably wrong...is there one particular person your DS gels with? Maybe you could try a playdate and then (deep breath) approach his/her parents and say "oh ds really enjoyed playing with your DS...shall we get them together again next week?" You might have to develop a thicker skin and I know how hard that can be when you feel so vulnerable yourself.
Really really hope it works out-I know how you feel...my poor DS rarely gets invited anywhere bless him

It sounds like your son is doing well at school so it must be gutting if it's the out-of-school friendships that are getting you all down.

Is there anyone at the school who may be able to help identify a child (and parent) who'd like to see your son outside of school, perhaps somewhere other than the home if that would work for your son but so that you and the other parent could chat/have coffee whilst the children built Lego models/played computer games? I suppose I'm wondering if you would be happy for the teacher or a home-school liaison person to be quite upfront with one or two other parents and saying, "X plays brilliantly with Y in school and Y would really like to play with X out of school... how would you feel about that as I'd like to suggest it to Y's mum?".

Teachers in mainstream schools are always being asked about friendships so I can't imagine s/he would mind asking specific parents if it would help your son.

I think oddgirl makes a very good point
"Maybe the other parents are a bit nervous about Aspergers through sheer ignorance and lack of knowledge"
It sounds like some of the parents did have their children at your place to play, but they may be nervous to reciprocate due to lack of understanding about Aspergers. They may not be sure how they would act etc. I would try asking the parents of his favourite friends who have previously been to yours, to come over again. It is natural, because some of the parents have ignored you, for you to become sensitive and to think that they will all do that. But you may be reading the others wrong.

Dd1 (6) never gets invited to childrens houses, most of the parents know that dd1 has AS (as we have always been open about it) and i think because people don't understand enough about AS they tend to worry about having dd1 over to play. Dd1 if full of beans but is well behaved and polite and would love to go to friends houses. We have had children over to our house and their parents always say 'oh we must have dd1 over some when' but then they don't follow it through.

I have given up worrying about it, at the moment dd1 isn't too bothered and doesn't get upset about it.

You could try inviting one or two of the mums over with their DC. Half the problem is fear and ignorance. Inclusion is great but schools cant make the wider school community inclusive. TBH this was one reason why we ended up choosing a specialist placement for DS! age 11. At least now he has frieds who invite him to do things. I have however heard that at our local comp, where DS1 would have gone all the SN kids hang out together which is good and bad.You could try having a lego afternoon and get a few DC over. One thing we did to compensate for the lack of playdates was lots of after school activities. Cubs worked well for us as did drama.

Thanks to all for your kind advice and support. It does help, and good points have been made, ie, lack of knowledge amongst other parents, my own (over)sensitivity, identifying specific friendships. I think it's fair to say that I'm having a bad day and it helped hearing from all of you.

Yeah, DD stopped getting invites the second everyone realised that she doesn't talk properly because she's ASD, and not because she's foreign!
Am also wondering what on earth to do for her birthday...

Same problem here, ds is high functioning and wants to play with others. I have found its not that others 'dont like him', they just find him a bit 'odd' and others especially children, tend to shy away from anything that is a bit different. So needless to say he isnt exactly Mr Popular.

He has never been invited on a playdate. I have found inviting others on playdates that dont involve coming to the house, but going out somewhere are accepted ie to soft play or to the park etc. Perhaps the other children feel less threatened when not on ds's 'territory'. However these playdates are never reciprocated.

Ds does go to a social club and has recently started Taekwondo classes twice a week. Although not the same thing as having friends home, perhaps your ds might benefit from clubs and hobbies.

Hi et3,

just wanted to sympathise.

I'm thinking that depression can make a situation like this particularly hard to "call".

Is there any way you could meet with an appropriate teacher and confide? Fostering friendship groups seems to be very much within the teachers' remit nowadays. A teacher might even "chance" to mention to another parent that their child "enjoyed playing with your DS today." - that sort of thing.

I just think it could be easier for the teacher to carry it off than you as a parent, particularly as depression can make everything so much harder and colour your perceptions.

good luck.

Hi All

I am new to mumsnet and have joined because my son (3) is currently undergoing assessment for ASD (high functioning), among other things, including dyspraxia. I have come here because I have shed so many tears in recent months, and felts so many complex emotions ranging from anger to disappointment to sheer sadness and grief. I was so reassured to see that there are many mus in the same boat.

I have heard that ASD and dyspraxia overlap and co-exist in many children, and I noted Oddgirl's post about this. Can anyone help me understand this better? My son has stiff movements and has never wanted to ride a bike/scooter, in fact gets very upset when we try to encourage him. He does display ASD characteristics eg. repetitive speech and behavoiurs, obsessions etc. His assessment will therefore tackle both the phyiscal side of things and the psycholocical/nehavioural aspects.

Can anyone tell me more about dyspraxia and whether it is always linked to ASD? The boundaries seem blurred.

Thanks - will get up to speed with mumsnet shorthand soon!

sorry to hear that, saddly as an apsergers adult the only advice ican give is stay strong .

you all have my sympathies,

Hi

I've fostered friendships by having parties for special events and having several children round at a time - Halloween, Christmas, Easter. Nothing fancy - play and cake. It has certainly helped DS to bond with his peers.

I think it can be hard when you feel that others might be put off by AS but don't discount people straight off. Have you managed to speak to anyone or make friends yourself? This might help. It's not easy though I know.

I second lingle's suggestions of talking to the teacher.

I thank my lucky stars that DS's friends all seem equally obsessed by computer games so at the moment he doesn't stand out. But he is only 7.

I think the line between dyspraxia and ASD is a blurred one because if you look on the dyspraxia website the list of signs/symptoms are practically identical to an ASD diagnosis. I know how you feel mummychat-my DS (nearly 5) has marked verbal dyspraxia but no echolalia. He was therefore quite easy to diagnose from a speech point of view. He is also uncoordinated-walked v late-is hypermobile and can only just jump and has delayed motor skills (fine and gross) . However no problems with repetitive or obsessional interests and highly empathetic aith very good imaginative play BUT he finds social situations so difficult and clearly has issues with how to read a social situation to the point it is impacting on hios school life...we therefore have had him put on the spectrum partly cos I believe he is on there somewhere and partly to get him some help.
HTH and welcome_I ampretty new here too so nice to see someone else new as well!

Sadly, IME, in primary school the playdates are mostly controlled by the parents. I have found that becoming 'friends' with the mums makes quite a big difference.

Have suffered on and off with depression too and know how incredibly hard it makes the whole 'school playground friendship' thing but you just have to find one sympathetic soul who you can really talk to and they will probably be happy to have your son round.

Oddgirl, thank you so much for the information and the welcome. I will have a look at the dyspraxia website (hadn't found that one!) and keep learning. I am already finding that you need to know your stuff to get the professionals on-side.

maybe chat with a teacher have found ds does better when parents understand him and this tends to be parenst with experiance of someone close to them with sn