Can you give me some advice on this situation please?

[colnelcustard]

I have posted before regarding my concerns for my daughter and I suspect that she has Aspergers. I am currently waiting for the special needs teacher to do an evaluation at school. I have prepared a list of the problems that I have with her.

Noticeably alot of the problems are outside of school. I noticed that during the half term she was a lot easier to get along with but naturally since we have been back at school she has again been a nightmare both before school and afterwards.

However, next week the class are due to give a school assembly to which the parents are invited. They have been learning about China and presumably are going to be discussing the Year of dragon, monkey etc.

DD is going to play the monkey. She has been hysterical about this. She does not want to be the monkey, she wants to be the dog, tiger whatever.

Do you think I should have a word with her teacher. I am a believer in what the teacher says go's and life can't be about getting your mother to have a word when you don't like something.

I am worried though that she will refuse to participate in front of the school.

Can you give me some advice as to what I should do?

I would have a discreet word with your DDs class teacher in these circumstances. Has this lady noticed that your DD has been upset previously about playing this monkey role. Presumably this lady is aware that the special needs teacher is going to come in at some point to do an evaluation. BTW do you know when this is?.

Have you also considered seeing the GP with a view to getting a referral to a developmental paediatrician?. I say this as these people can make a diagnosis and have some clout, you may well find that this other person can only offer limited help to
the school (particularly without a Statement in place) and certainly no diagnosis.

Re this comment too:-
"Noticeably alot of the problems are outside of school. I noticed that during the half term she was a lot easier to get along with but naturally since we have been back at school she has again been a nightmare both before school and afterwards".

Not unfortunately all that surprised to read that, it sounds like your DD is not really coping with the rigours (particularly the unwritten social rules of the place) of school, is bottling up all her frustrations and taking it out on you when she gets out of school. This can also arise when her needs in school are not being met.

You are your child's best and only advocate. Never forget this, you are truly best placed to fight her corner because no-one else will.

My son was having some internal wranglings (with some external facial expressions) down after being told he was an angel in the nativity (I was helping out in class at the time). The teacher noticed and said "will that be a problem?" I nodded. "No problem - you're now a Shepherd DS".

Definitely speak to the teacher. She may not want to participate, but there is no point worrying about it. Despite being a Shepherd I can assure you that my son did not exactly "participate"!

On another slightly separate but related note, my friend's son has Aspergers. At his first school he had a dreadful time. I mean really, really bad. There was no understanding of him or his condition. He is now at another school, one which, like my son't school, is noted for understanding special needs. If you feel the school isn't giving the support needed, have a look around at the other schools in your area.

I have put together the below for the teacher to look at. Can you think of anything else I can say?

I have tried to list my concerns regarding dd as per our parent/teacher consultations.

Obessions. As you know currently, is obsessed at the moment with Littlest Pet Shop. Wants to be called Littlest Pet Shop cat and everything has to be about that subject. Obviously as you know before Christmas it was Lava Cat!

She gets very upset by surprises, last year as a surprise we took the children to EuroDisney. We didn't tell them until we got to the park. We had also gone the year before and she loved it. She reacted really badly to the surprise, refused to go on anything and cried constantly. She was also like this when we went on holiday and hated being somewhere ?new?.

She relates better to boys than girls. I am not sure if this because she has an older brother but she just does not want to play 'girl games'. I know that all she wants to do is play Littlest Pet Shop which obviously other girls don't want to do constantly. When she has been invited to other people?s houses she has not had a return invitation.

She hates the dark and loud noises, although we did take her to the cinema last week, she was fine initially but fidgeted through majority of the film.
She is very clumsy and falls over constantly. It does not seem to bother her if her shoes are on the wrong feet. Have to remind her what feet to put them on daily.
She is very aggressive both before and after school. We have major tantrums in the car on the way to and from school. I noticed that over the half term her behaviour was a lot calmer. Since returning to the school, the tantrums and aggressiveness have returned. She refuses to go to bed at night because she does not want to get up to go to school in the morning and every morning there is a battle to get her uniform on and her out the door without a fight.
When we are at home, she does not want to practice her reading or her writing. I have not seen her write anything except her name. She won?t try and do her homework as she just says she does not want to do boring stuff.

Problem as well is that not all teachers by any means have any real idea of special educational needs as this subject is not taught in any great detail at teacher training college. Therefore this person may be nonplussed by your very real concerns.

I'd also now be asking the school for the Ed Pysch to observe your DD in class. This person cannot make any sort of formal diagnosis but can help with the educational needs (and may even suggest statementing).

When is the special needs teacher coming into see your DD, is she aware?.

Has your man now come around to the idea that she ought to see asap the developmental paed via the GP?. I would say to him that yes denial is a powerful force but you cannot ignore such issues as you as her Mum are getting the backwash daily from her difficulties with school. These concerns too will not go away, if anything the differences between herself and her peers will be more marked in years to come. You must act and to your credit you are trying.

I wanted to broach the subject again today, so it is not brushed under the carpet after the half term.

My partner still does not believe there is an issue, so I thought if I prsented 'evidence' to the school and the SEN teacher then she maybe able to advise that we need a referral. rather than me pushing him for a gp appointment.

i really don't want to sound like a doormat but i do not want to go behind his back. i would not want the same done to me. iyswim.

At least you are doing something; doing nothing here is frankly not an option or even a luxury he can afford.

Your man needs to get his head out of the sand, hopefully he will come around in time. However, time is ticking and these issues and concerns do not go away.

Men can often go into denial in these circumstances but you still have to deal with the day to day realities. This is why I am bloody annoyed with him as his apparant denials are actually helping no-one and you could become increasingly resentful of him.

I hope in your case the school do say to you "referral" because that then may make him sit up and take notice. I am annoyed frankly at his attitude because this really does not help your DD or even your own self because you feel you cannot go "behind his back" and seek outside help from the GP.

Good luck with the school, keep us posted.

I have spoken to the teacher today outside the school and raised my concerns about her aggressiveness when she comes home.

The teacher has asked me to have a 'meeting' with her and my dd so we can speak to her about anything that is worrying her at school.

Noticeably, when the teacher spoke to her very gently today and asked if anything was upsetting her she looked like she was really holding back tears (i.e. bottom lip going etc.).

The teacher has been spending some time with her and is going to pass on her findings to the sen teacher.

I am preparing my list of things to discuss and will tell my partner that the teacher has called the meeting.

Well done you catchmonkey for taking the initiative here. I hope your man responds well to this, he needs to get his head out of the sand now.

My guess for what it is worth is that your DD is finding school generally very hard to cope with both on educational and social levels. It may be that she cannot "read" the other childrens' unspoken reactions very well.

I would seriously now consider applying for a Statement from the LEA.

Well done Catchymonkey. I echo what Attila says. It's heartening that the teacher spoke to her softly - it implies an understanding, but I emphasise my previous post - if she has Aspergers, find a school that understands it if it is not the one she is at. There are several Autistic children at my sons school and they are all included as class members. Their needs are met within that environment, whatever they are and howsoever they are achieved.

Just to update you on the situation.

We had class assembly yesterday and I had arranged afterwards to go and speak with her teacher.

I watched v. closely during the assembly and nothing in particular 'stood out' to me. She did say her part very quietly but then so did other children, she is 4 and in a room full of other people.

At the end of the assembly when everybody clapped she put her hands over her ears.

When I went into the meeting with the teacher. The teacher sat her down and started asking her very gently about what is making her sad at school.

She wouldn't really answer the question and said nothing makes her sad.

I then said, what about when you get home and you get really, really cross. the teacher then asked her what makes her feel like that and again she said that she doesn't know.

Then I told the teacher about how she doesn't want to do homework when she gets back and dd opened up a little bit and said I get upset because I can't write.

It then turned out that she is getting upset because she can't read or write as quickly as she would like too. So doesn't want to do it at home as she is getting frustrated.

I then without using the word asked the teacher what her observations were.

She did say that she has found that she has some traits of ASD for example the obsessional side of her personality. Then she also said that this could be her age. I then put the point across that she sat with her hands over her ears during the applause and asked dd why she did this and she said she didn't like the noise.

The SEN teacher is coming into observe her shortly but did tell the teacher we need a medical diagnosis.

The teacher said she is going to work very closely with her to get her confidence up.

When I came back I spoke with my partner about this. I said again about how angry she gets when she gets home from school. His reply was well when I have picked her up she hasn't been like this. I said to this well was she by herself with you. Yes she was.

Part of me wonders whether her behaviour is just extreme siblng rivalry because she does behave when its just the two of us. She can be lovely.

I am so confused. DP still does not want to go down the GP route. He started giving examples of the other children's behaviour and I just oculdn't argue back my point strongly enough.

When I pick the points apart it all seems to me like its just her age, but I am putting them together and he does not seem to be able to or want to do that.

I am not sure what to do next.

catchy

My daughter used to come home from school and be very angry, I used to have terrible problems getting her to school. It turns out she was severly Dyslexic and couldnt understand a lot of what the teacher was explaining. It took 3 years of back wards and forwards with the school them saying I was complairing her with the other children,for the school to admnit that she was Dyslexic (I took her to the Dyslexia association for a private DX after 1 yr). Keep on with the class teacher and proffesionals a mothers instinct is nearly always right.