private school for ds1, but not for ds2 ;(

[anonandlikeit]

This has been on the cards for some time (we actually put it offf for a yr) but as it gets nearer I feel more & more guilty.

ds1 has the opportunity to go to a lovely private day school where I think he will thrive & be so happy. He will be going on part scholarship & the remainder of the fees paid by a bursary. He wants to go, the school are please to ahve him, so why do i feel so guilty.

But I feel like we won't be able to give ds2 the same opportunity & for all their differences we always try to treat them equally.
There is no way we could ever afford any form of private ed & there is no way ds2 would qualify for any sort of funding.

SO we will have ds1 at a very good private school while ds2 will be at either the local school or the sn school.
It feels like we are treating ds2 like a second class citizen, but the alternative would be to refuse ds1 a great opportunity.

In the grand scheme of things I know this is not a big problem compared to many we have so why was I in tears last night.

If you are anything like me then you will be feeling bad that you can't give your non SN child the time they deserve, you can't spend time with them doing homework (my kids bookbags rarely get opened) and your DS1 will be missing out on many things that his mates get to do because your DS2 always has to come first. A good school will give your DS1 an education where you can take a back seat; you hopefully won't have to "supplement" the schoolwork at home to fill gaps of not so good teaching; he might be able to do homework at school; he will have a space to himself away from the stresses at home. Private schools tend to offer lots of after school activities on site so again that takes pressure off you. No doubt there will be lots of sports and clubs etc. I'd see it as a pay off for what you can't give your DS1. Your DS2 will gain too because he will be able to have more of your time and energy as he won't have to share you so much with DS1. I think feeling guilty goes with the territory. It gets you one way or another.

I agree Grumpy, we can only just afford to send DS1 to fee-paying school (one that specialises in dyslexia), but I feel that it is a price worth paying as the school can help take some of the strain.

I always maintained that I'd rather spend the money and have a happy home life (for him and his younger sister), rather than send DS1 to local state school and have to battle with an angry teenage dyslexic boy to do his homework (we see tasters of it already in year 6). I have neither the skills nor patience and nor does his (also dyslexic) Dad.

DD will be going to local state school, but I feel better able to support her.

Agree -ds2 and ds3 go to a small, non-selective lively private school. The before and after care is great as is the pastoral care - it makes family life easy and us a lovely warm caring place.

Ds1 goes to a state sld school. I adore his school. It is a fabulous place -absolutely wonderful. The other boys like his school too (and are jealous of the hydro/ soft play etc that he has).

We are so lucky to have our boys at two schools that we reallly value. One is private, one is state but they both provide an environment that we value. And they suit the kids. Ds2's school
would not suit ds1 and vice versa.

You may end up feeling the same!

Lovely not lively -although it is that as well!

if it makes life easier and ds wants to go do it.

Think we all the guilty feeling that sometimes we don`t have enough for our nt dc.But then feel bad that we cant help our other children do same things as their nt siblings

can I ask how you got him a soclarship? DD1 has HFA but she is very bright and on G&T in 3 subjects already, and we have a good private school nearby, but could never afford it.

As for your boys, you have to do what is best for each of them, and you can only do your best. You cant hold DS1 back because of his brother its unfair on him, and im sure DS2 will understand one day

We have dd1 in private sector, she has been since 3 and is now nearly 14. dd2 with physical disability and statement is in state comprehensive having been through local primary too. I offered her the private school at 11 and no way did she want it! she wanted to stick with her friends. so we have experience of both and I do know how you feel. but now DD1 is a teenager she does not really like having a sister like DD2 and at school she can be herself and not just "x's big sister". So it is definitely right for us and our two. Life is not easy for siblings of SN children, sometimes, and if school is fun and fulfilling then at least she has that.

DS1 and DD are at private schools and I don't ever ever regret it.

they get to do sports and trips within the school day that would be impossible with DS2 is attendance.

You have to do the best you can for each child and what each child needs will be different in ANY family.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, you have made me feel so much better.
I know we couldn't deny ds1 this opportunity but was just feeling a little guilty for ds2.
Honestly, even if we could pay I don't think he would ever be comfortable at this school.

It is about finding the best place for each child whatever that may be & TBH i don't know that ds2 will ever realise anyway.

Lisa - a friend (my x boss)whose children went to the school kept nagging to go & ahve a look & take ds1 for a chat with the head.
I was honest & open with the head - told him that I am penniless
He gave me the bursary & scholarship forms, ds1 is very Academic, particularly English but he is actually going on a Drama Scholarship, it covers 20% of the fees & the bursary picks up the remainder.
We still have to find all the extras & transport, TBH that in itself is a small fortune.
They did go through our finances with afine tooth comb & they came to the same conclusion as me... we don't ahve any money so his fees will be paid!

Thank you again