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SN children

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Original poster

do kids with autism have friends?

31 replies

iloveprimark · 14/02/2010 22:26

according to the senco at my sons school children with autism are very lonely and prefer to play alone, i think its a crap generalisation, what do you think?

OP posts:

daisy5678 · 14/02/2010 22:31

I think children with autism are often lonely but not because they prefer to play alone in all cases, but because they get left out/ can't join in/ don't understand the way other play/ get ostracised/ wound up/ bullied...totally varies, I'd say, but the commonality is probably that it is more difficult for ASD children to socialise than for other children.

Yes, crap generalisation and sounds like an excuse for not helping ASD kids to socialise!

mrspoppins · 14/02/2010 22:33

It's a generalisation I think as, of course, all children's abiities vary but I think it is a true generalisation as they tend not to have much interest in being introduced and playing with others.

Does your little one have autism?

How do you feel about playing etc...Is it causing him some problems?

sphil · 14/02/2010 22:38

Yes, it's a crap generalisation. I know some children on the spectrum who tend to play alone, but if they prefer to do this, then surely they can't be described as lonely? On the other hand, my son is severely autistic, only minimally verbal and has friends - children who play with him, teach him, mother him, and whom he hugs, responds to and initiates games with. He becomes overloaded quite easily and then will go off on his own for a while - but in no way would I describe him as lonely either.
DS1's best friend has AS, is on the completely opposite end of the spectrum to DS2, and is one of the most popular boys in the class, mainly because he makes up the most amazing games.

sugarcandymountain · 14/02/2010 22:42

DS is a loner, but also desperately wants friends. When he was younger, his main problem was being too 'boistrous' as his teacher put it. Now he's either scared off a lot of children due to meltdowns in class, is too anxious to approach them, or gets bullied or goaded by other kids who know his trigger points.

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 14/02/2010 22:47

DD1 has friends, just 2 but both very sweet girls. BUT she gets times where its all too much and she'll play alone, because she has taken herself off places.
Strangely enough, loads of kids know her and say hi, she doesnt know who half of them are

borderslass · 14/02/2010 23:08

ds has a friend but only because they both like computers, however ds plays on one console and his friend on another at 15 he still does the play alongside rather than with others.

Veritythebrave · 14/02/2010 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cranreuch · 14/02/2010 23:37

It seems like a sweeping generalisation to me.

Ds (aged 5) hasn't made friends, yet. with his peers at school, but he has a warm and friendly nature. He plays well with children he knows well, i.e dd, close family like my two nieces.. he does interact with other children but it isn't always good.

I think atm it is easier for him to be "friends" with adults who can understand him and know how to negotiate with him - so he gets on great with the ASN and other support workers who he sees at school.

My ds isn't lonely but is quite happy to play alone, if he doesn't have someone around who can understand his ways. He does try and parallel play a lot, he tries to interact a lot more now too - it just doesn't come easily to him.

Getting good support, and feeling safe, is helping ds, he is constantly changing and I feel quietly optimistic he will have friends, just not loads of friends!

ThatVikRinA22 · 14/02/2010 23:56

shitty generalisation.

ds is 18. all he ever wanted through school were friends. now he is at college he has them. lots of them. not all autistic people shun company. aspies often want to fit in. my DS has aspergers and loves the friends he has now. he is never home!!

genieinabottle · 15/02/2010 00:54

I think that's another generalisation that isn't always true. Again like the children with autism don't give eye contact or are not affectionate, it can varie a lot.

Up to about age 3 my ds very rarely played with other kids. In the last year he has come out of his shell a little, and there are a couple of kids at pre-school that he likes and he tells me their names and says they are his friends.
My ds has difficulties joining in games with his peers as he struggles in his approach initialy. He needs someone to introduce him to the play. He can do simple easy games, he loves running and laughting with other kids.
He does tends to play alone a lot still but he observes the others and does parralel play as a mean of interaction that he can understand.

bundle · 15/02/2010 01:13

i know a lovely teenage boy who has a few friends but his mum told me he's had problems at (SN) school, with bullying and teasing. because he has to travel quite a way for school he doesn't see many of his classmates and instead spends a lot of time on hobbies he loves at home.

mrspoppins · 15/02/2010 06:28

I think the problem here is that the SENCO seems to have associated the word lonely with playing on one's own and the two just don't go.
If this was my child and they were his/her senco, I would have a friendly chat about the remark saying it had given me cause for concern and I wanted to be reassured that they would be encourage not to be lonely but to be allowed to play alone if that is what was wanted and to keep me informed if they thought loneliness was an issue.

You will know this anyhow but it means that it gives the senco the impression/reassurance that you are still valuing her input and haven't snubbed her now for what may have been an ill thought out comment that she hasn't given a second thought.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/02/2010 08:49

Ds1 (severely autistic - 10) is wary of other kids but has quite a few children at school that he seems keen on. He finds photos of them to show me and has definite favourites. There are a lot of adults he likes a lot. I wouldn't describe him as lonely as he's always seeking out company - at least being around other people.

cornsilk · 15/02/2010 08:51

I asked this queston on anoter thread. A paed once told me that children with AS shouldn't have any friends. Teachers tend to take generalisations like this as set in stone IME.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/02/2010 08:56

That rather suggests that paed didn't have the faintest idea. Everyone I know with AS has friends, although friendships don't always run smoothly. ds1 would have more friends if he had a way of interacting back and forth with people and if he could play, but he definitely has friends in the way he is able to.

Mind you I was once told by a GP that girls don't get autism.

cornsilk · 15/02/2010 08:58

Do we have the same GP? Mine thinks that dyslexia doesn't exist.

ArthurPewty · 15/02/2010 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cornsilk · 15/02/2010 09:00

Leonie did you know that your dh had HFA when you met him? How did you meet?

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/02/2010 09:11

Oh that wasn't my GP (I would have changed surgeries if I had been ), it was an ancient locum.... I did correct him!

Original poster

iloveprimark · 15/02/2010 09:46

my sons school are saying that because they have seen him playing outside with a few friends and he is never on his own, although he is very anxious when talking to teachers and other adults, that he doesnt fit the criteria for autism and they believe he has selective mutism. He has all his other problems,has a diagnosis from his consultant paed, yet they are putting barriers in the way of his statement.Unbelievable!

OP posts:

anonandlikeit · 15/02/2010 09:48

ds2 actually couldn't care less if he has "friends" or not.
He plays with other children at school, because he knows that is what is expected of him.
He has no desire to see them outside of school, when I have invited them home to play ds2 ahs gone to his room & hid & I have ended up playing with them.

In fact If ds2 moved schools tomorrow the one thing that wouldn't bother him is leaving the children behind

DS2 hasn't yet learnt that these relationships are transferable, or maybe he doesn't need to?
I don't think he's lonely, he is at his most relaxed at home - I guess at his happiest.

It is a huge generalisation for the Senco to make, I'm not sure I would agree that children with ASD are lonely but difficulty with friendships is common.

cornsilk · 15/02/2010 11:13

iloveprimark - that's so typical. Teachers are not qualified to decode whether a child does or does not have autism. I've never come across one with a psychology doctorate anyway.

Marne · 15/02/2010 11:37

Dd1 has loads of friends, one best friend (but this changes every so often) and a lot of the older children at school seen to get on well with her. I think sometimes her friends get fed up with her as she does moan and cry a lot and sometimes doesn't want to play by other peoples rules but she still seems to be popular.

cornsilk · 15/02/2010 11:39

decode ??? decide

CardyMow · 15/02/2010 12:05

My DP is asd, I didn't know when I met him, in fact I didn't find out until DS2 was dxd and DP's mum told me that DP had attended the local SN school in the asd unit, and that she wasn't surprised by DS2's dx. . I knew he was...different...but not why IYSWIM. And I met my DP through mutual friends. DP doesn't have many any friends. And fails to see why I have. DD had no friends through primary, despite wanting them. Now she's at Secondary, she has had 3 friends, But none seem to last more than half a term. DS2 seemed to have loads of friends in reception, but now halfway through Y1, they all seem to be noticing that he's a bit 'different' and melting away. Except one, and I'm hoping this one sticks.

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