the hardest decision on of my life......

[rjoules]

Hi,

We had James results on thursday, they said he has autistic disorder they are 99% sure but they want to do blood tests to rule anything else out and the dr says after they have those they WILL make a dx. so i wasnt feeling too bad about that, James is becommming incresingly frustrated and hopefully the help i will get soon will help no end, he even told me to claim dla and says he will support any claim/appeal i make.

So then i go home and there is a message from my gp asking me to call him as he has the results of a blood test i have last week aand so i call him and he says he needs to see me right away, so i go to the dr's surgery and he informs me the results show i am pregnant! around 6-7 weeks, i am absolutly devastated and i have no idea how i will cope with 4 kids and james who is autistic, non verbal, we have severe behavoral problems with him, i have like no sleep as it is... So i have a huge decision to make, I have allways been agaisnt abortion unless a life threatening condition is present, but,,, i feel james and the whole family will suffer if i have this baby, i feel so guilty thinking about it im not sure i could forgive myself but im exhasted allready i dont feel able to give james all the care and attention he needs (and of course the other 2 but james more so) Spoke to my partner about adoption but he says he couldnt bear that and he wouldnt let me go thrhough with it but he is ok with abortion, he also agrees we couldnt cope.
but im not sure i can cope either way, Ive spent since thursday in tears!
Sorry, im so sad i dont know what to do... and to top it all off ive got to make this decision quickly

I have no advice to offer but wanted you to know that I'll be thinking of you.

You poor thing What an awful decision to have to make. Please don't feel you need to rush into your decision, get counselling first.

I was in a situation very similar to yours the year before last. DS2 had just been dx with autism and me and DH decided no more children as we needed to focus on ds2, and ds1 got very little attention as it was. I became pregnant that very weekend (according to dates). The same things were discussed, abortion/adoption/foster care. In the end I knew that I couldn't do any of those and I went on to have DS3. I was scared all the way through my pregnancy that DS3 would also have ASD, as yet he seems fine. We manage fine most days although the first 6 months were particullary hard.

How old is James? DS2 is 4, and I find it easier no that he is in school full time.

James is 2, turns 3 in april, has severe problem development at 12 months, Then i have a daughter who is 4 and a son who has just turned 6, im exhausted as it is

It is exhausting having three children. DS2 was very difficult up until a few weeks ago. Not sure what has made the difference but he has been slightly more calmer.

Is there anyone else you can speak to apart from your DP? DId the GP off counselling before you decide, or have you not spoke to your GP about it yet?

I have a 3 hr appointment next week with bpas, they include full medical and counselling, and counselling after if u choose to go through with the abortion, the reason i say i have to decidee quicly is i feel much more able if its just a tablet which can only be done under 9 weeks so the cut off for that is 2 weeks or so.

i really dont know what to ive litrally spent 3 days crying thats not good for the children, i cant really tell anyone else. i have no family and dp's family is agaist abortion due to their faith so i wopuldnt get any support off them, and if i kept the baby they would be mad both ways they know how much we are struggling and theyve been helping a lot with james lately, Giving us money, (quite a lot of money) t

nothing atm

if i only had 2 allready with james there would be no decsion to make, butim 25yrs old, my own health isnt particulary good, I ave severe asthma and actually nearly died in labour because of my asthma, i have x-rays and tons of medication, so another baby would be so hard with my health and James extra needs, we get no respite currently, but they have said he is going to a assesment nursery called the bridge, it looks really good, that will be 15hrs a week i think

yeah riven it does, i just thinking long and hard about whats best for the whole family.
I have no help from social services, but he has been reffered to the disabled childrens team ages ago

thank you riven

Hi there-thinking of you at this tough time. I wouldn't make any rash decisions just yet. Also, put in your DLA claim asap. A lot of the time this will allow you to claim carers allowance as well so this may help you financially.
Hope you are ok.

thank you all of u

It will get much easier once your children move into school and James gets picked up by the system. That I can promise (I have 3 children, eldest severely autistic - when I had three with 2 preschoolers it was hard). Now ds2 and ds 3 ( 8 and 5 ) are at school and getting more independent it's an awful lot easier.

Just something to bear in mind- but do get the counselling. I always say go with your gut rather than your head for this sort of decision - that's the one that will be easiest to live with - whatever that gut decision is.

I too will be thinking of you rjoules, but my view is that if you feel you can't cope with another child, then a termination is a perfectly legitimate decision. Your health issues sound pretty bad too, so the pregnancy might not be good for you, nor for your DC as you are their main carer. I've had two terminations in my time, and I think it is not something you should feel in any way bad about, as you have it pretty hard already. If you decide to keep the pregnanancy, or not, I'm sending you hugs!.

It might be sensible to change your nickname on here so that it is not your actual name,

Hi rjoules, so sorry to hear that you are in turmoil. I found out that DD1 had SN when DD2 was 10 months old. I had 2 under 2.6. That was hard, because it was becoming clear that DD1 wasn't going to suddenly catch up and DD2 was obviously going to be a baby for quite some time, too. Harder, I was 9 weeks pregnant with DC3.

I remember going to the hospital, 4 weeks later & being told that DD1 would need a CT scan, which would be OK for me to go in as long as I wasn't pregnant, which of course I wasn't. I had to say "But I am, I'm 13 weeks pregnant!".

Now, DD1 is 4.2, DD2 is 2.6 and DD3 is 10 months old, crawling around the floor. It is hard work. I do feel that I am failing all of them at times. DD1 isn't so much further on that I wonder what I was worried about. Or any other trite comment you hear from people who have forgotten what it is like to be there in the middle of it.

But I wouldn't change it for the world. DD3 is a ray of sunshine. She makes the family whole. DD1 is just starting to recognise that DD3 is a separate person, that she can interact with her, that she can influence her. Until recently, she would just ignore her, or speak dispassionately about her 'the baby' or 'Baby x'. Now, she realises that she is crying & I hear her say "Oh darling, what a matter?"

Whatever you do, life is going to be hard. Whatever you do, you will have a decision to live with forever. The real question, I suppose, is which decision will be easier to live with in the long run for you?

I hope you get some really good rl support.

rjoules, dx is such an emotional time anyway, without all the added emotion of pregnancy hormones.

Please take your time about this decision, it isfar better to take yourr time & be comfortabe with your decision than rush & feel under pressure & the have "what ifs"

Whatever you decide it will be right for your family.
Please seek counselling & if you can find a counsellor with experience of disability or ASD that would be even better.

I'm sorry I don't know what to say, but it must to so stressful for you.

One thing does come to mind - my friend has 2 boys, and always wanted a third child. Just after she found out she was pg with DC3 the boys were diagnosed with autism and aspergers (they are not very severe, but nontheless it is not easy). If she had known about this, I doubt she would have had DC3, however her little girl is now 2, and while a right little madam, seems to be 100%, and they wouldn't have it any other way.

Good luck.