Dh and I struggling to cope with ds1, don't know where to turn - long

[moosemama]

Sorry this is really long, I don't really expect anyone to plough all the way through it, but I really need to let it out.

I have had to keep ds1 off school since Tuesday as he is like a wound up spring, lashing out at everyone, particularly at school. He has had a cold as well and initially we told the school that was why he was off. Physically he was well enough to go in by Wednesday but was nowhere near in a fit state psychologically/emotionally. I have since been to see his teacher and explained the situation and she agreed it was probably best to keep him off till after half term and confirmed that he has been getting steadily worse socially at school as the term has gone on.

We found out on Monday evening that he had punched a girl at school in retaliation for her pushing him over and had been told he would miss playtime the following day as a result. At first he lied and said he hadn't done anything and she got him into trouble for nothing, then he said he only pushed her back lightly, then he said he just hit her gently and eventually he admitted he punched her, but only after I said that I knew he was lying so he might as well tell the whole truth.

On talking it through with him it became apparent that this sort of thing has been happening more and more at school, but the school/teacher hasn't told us.

We have spent a lot of time this week going through what's been happening with him and his perceptions of why he is choosing to react physically when he never has before.

He can tell us that hitting/hurting is always wrong and that you should fetch an adult to help sort out any problems, but then at the end of the conversations he says "yes but, she/he deserved it as they did x, y, z to me". Its like he can talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

Its being made worse by his inability to perceive the difference between, bullying, teasing and just lighthearted joking etc. He takes everything as a personal insult or affront.

We have just finished getting the school to deal with the bullies that have made his life hell since he was in reception year (I know, I know, he is classic 'bullied becomes the bully') and now he is going round, in his teacher's words "lashing out at everyone over the slightest thing". Although she then said that he hasn't been identified as being a problem behaviourally (which is confusing and worrying) although there has been only one 'punching' incident, the others have been more in the form of finger poking or melt downs.

It took two and a half days of him being at home with me and his baby sister for him to finally relax and calm down. Prior to that he was lurching from pitiful sobbing to hysterical crying to angry screaming and shouting.

He is furious that we have banned him playing computer games for a week as a consequence of him punching the girl at school and to be honest I'm not even sure if that was the right thing to do, because I want home to be a safe space for him. We have talked about consequences and he says he understands that we needed him to think every time he couldn't play a game that it was because of him hurting another child and that we hoped this would make him think twice before doing it again. We have come up with some new 'cool down' techniques as the old count to ten, breathe and walk away wasn't working. Yet tonight he has had a disagreement with his younger brother over some silly teasing and punched him in the face! I was horrified with him and am at a loss to know what to do now. He knows right from wrong and good choices from bad, but seems unable to apply them to his own behaviour. Comments on previous school reports have stated that he has an incredible sense of justice when it comes to others, but unfortunately struggles to apply this to himself.

He was seen by a Paediatrician in January, who gave him a verbal diagnosis of Aspergers, although to be honest the Paed didn't really seem to know all that much about ASD/Aspergers himself. At the time of the appointment we had no serious worries about his behaviour and he had never been physical that we were aware of, other than the odd spat with his younger brother akin to normal sibling rivalry.

We have this week just been sent the forms for referral to the CAMHS ASD Assessment Team and in the meantime we feel like there is nowhere to turn and no-one to ask how to handle things. How do we know if we are helping or making things worse?

It feels like things have been escalating ever since he started Year 3 in September. He is struggling to cope, mainly in the areas of social/peer relations and he is so anxious that he tells me almost every day that he feels physically sick (although he doesn't associate it with anxiety himself). Its like he has just been getting a little bit more full every week and now he is so full up he can't take anymore so has lost the ability to control his reactions, if that makes sense?

I don't recognise this angry, vindictive, physical little boy that is here at the moment, yet have seen glimpses of my lovely peaceful, calm boy while he has been home with me this week. How can I help him to cope with his anxiety and anger when I don't have a clue what I am doing?

Sometimes I want to just keep him at home and home ed, but then I know he needs the social interaction with other children and adults if he's ever going to learn how to function in the wider world. Then I think about those horrible little bullies that introduced him to hitting, hurting and humiliation and think that he would be better off not learning social skills from the likes of them anyway. It feels like a viscious circle.

I am so low at the moment, as is dh. I feel completely wrung out and ground into the dirt. We have spent the week going round in circles with him feeling like we've made progress only for him to say something that indicates that he hasn't actually taken in anything either from the consequence of his behaviour or all the talking and reading we've done together.

I don't know what to do to help him, me, dh or our whole family to get through this, yet I feel like its me that has to try and hold us all together.

To cap it all, now his younger brother is starting to act up and get angry as well, probably due to all the upset and tension flying around. I also hate that dd (who has just turned one) is seeing all this anger and tension around her when neither of my boys ever had to experience anything like that when they were babies.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this, I suppose I just needed to let it all out and vent.

Venting is good. Solutions are different to support. You sound all on top of the solutions. This board is very good at support as well and it really makes a difference having it.

I'm a bit of a newbie here myself but I know this to be true. It really is a very welcoming place.

Couldnt let you go unanswered, but dont really have much to add really. We have had the same this school year (yr2) and things have gone down hill a lot for our DD1 since sept its horrible to watch and even worse when you cant do anything about it.

School are starting some 1-1 "talk time" with DD after half term. She tends to bottle all these confusing feelings and then just blow. We get worse behaviour at home as she spends all day at school trying to manage herself iyswim.

Does he have any support at school? Is there a local autistic advisory service that can advise you and school? Does the school have links with the behavioural support team?
Also you can request a CAMHS referral for help with his anger and feelings too.

Have you spoken to him about ASD? Have you asked him about what he expereinces when angery,sad, upset ect?? DD has just started this with the SALT and describes that she has lots of words sounding in her head when worried.

Weird question but does he understand you fully when you talk about bad behaviour? we try to be really spasfic (sp??) with DD, so please do not hit, kick or use words in anger. Sometimes the words we use can be too general for ASD kids to understand what it is you want eg: tidy up, behaviour yourself, and dont be rude. does that make sense??

I hope you get some support soon

Thank you for replying Milady. I thought everybody would be in bed except me. Dh has gone up, but I can't relax enough to sleep.

I have had good support here in the past, when we were deciding whether or not to go for assessment/diagnosis. At the moment though I feel sort of locked into this micro world of our family and ds1 and it feels like no-one can help.

I just don't know whether I am expecting too much of ds in trying to change his behaviour. I know having Aspergers he struggles with social rules etc but find myself stupidly thinking "why can't he just trust me that that's not the right way to do things and do things the way I advise him to instead". I know I'm taking it too personally, but it feels like he doesn't trust me. Its something that I worry about as its taken four long years for me to be able to get the school to sort out the gang of boys that were bullying him, all the while his perception being that he was being left to deal with it on his own.

Lisad, At the moment he doesn't have any support at all at school and I don't think he will get any to be honest. The Paed was keen to tell us how 'high functioning' ds is and he is and I think he is going to fall just short of getting any help with almost everything.

He doesn't have any language problems, other than some semantic pragmatic type issues (although only in a minor way iyswim) and his sensory stuff is mainly around smell and some minor tactile issues that we manage and don't really impact on him at school very much. He is going to be assessed for dyspraxia as well and some of the other children have picked up on him being clumsy and not very sporty and he's been teased about that just recently.

We received the connor/conner's scale yesterday to forward for adhd assessment, but neither the paed or ourselves think he is likely to be diagnosed adhd.

He really struggled at the beginning of the year with the new timetable, having 6 teachers rather than the one he had in infants and having to organise himself rather than being organised by the teacher, but we have worked out a system with his current teacher to deal with most of those problem and it seems (touchwood) to be working, for now. At the start of the year his achievement slid right back from getting 3's across the board in his SATs last year to bumping along the bottom. Since we informed the school we were going for assessment and that he had a verbal dx things have improved and for the most part his teachers (with one or two notable exceptions) have been more understanding and patient. Unfortunately his class teacher (who is great) is a supply teacher and she herself doesn't know how long she will be there for. In fact despite teaching the class since week 2 this year, she still doesn't know if she will be there after 2nd March.

When I spoke to her yesterday she said he is coping much better with the organisational stuff and she has been able to help him focus in class a bit better but that as those things have improved so his social/peer relationships have worsened.

As I said, his class teacher has been great and the head seems very supportive in theory, but we haven't seen hide nor hair of the SENCO, despite directly asking the head to arrange an appointment (after asking the teacher twice and not getting anywhere). The joke is that ds2, who is NT is on the SEN Register after falling behind with basic skills when he contracted pneumonia and being seriously ill over a year ago. The teachers and the SENCO all agree that he doesn't need to be on it, as he is ahead of others in his class, yet they keep doing a new IEP every term with ridiculous targets on that he has already achieved. We are going to parent's evening the week after next and are going to put our foot down and insist he is taken off the register and ds1 is put on! Its a farce!

We have talked to him about Aspergers and what it means and tried to do it in a way that he understands. He knows that he finds it difficult to understand how other people are feeling and why they do what they do sometimes and that we are going to see some doctors and other people who hopefully will be able to help him learn how to understand these things a bit better.

We have also talked about how he feels when he is upset or sad or confused and he tends to explain it as a physical feeling rather than an emotional one. We are trying to get him to associate what the physical feelings mean with the relevant emotion so that he can tell us a bit more about how he is/isn't coping day to day.

We do try to be very specific when speaking to him, eg 'don't hit, punch, push' etc and also try to give him a good reason why people don't do these things. It used to help to give an example of how he felt when someone did a similar thing to him, but that doesn't seem to be working at the moment.

I'm afraid I don't know anything about autistic advisory teams or behavioural support teams. Having gone via the gp route to dx, we feel very outside the loop of what is available and who to ask for help.

Also, according to his teacher, he isn't considered to be a problem behaviourally. I don't understand that personally as he has been in trouble 3 times in just one week for outbursts and retaliating to perceived insults/wrongs and she herself said he has been increasingly lashing out.

I am really upset that he has started to be physical, as this is new behaviour for him and has come as a shock to us. I can't believe that the school thinks its not a problem that he punched a girl, even if she had just pushed him over for no apparent reason (he and she have a history of not liking each other that goes back to nursery when she and her friends used to gang up on him and tease him and she is much bigger than him as he is unfortunately the smallest boy in the Juniors). It was him that told us what happened, the teacher didn't mention it until I raised it with her.

Hi Moosemama,

Am very sorry to read what has happened to your son. These situations too go onto affect all the family.

These types of situations often arise also when the child's additional needs at school do not get met. He is being failed here by school and could well become school phobic as a result.

If too your son has been seen by professional people like a paed then he should have been put on School Action plus or such a plan in any event.

Junior school as well can be a very tough place for any child on the autistic spectrum because of all the unwritten social cues that arise whilst there. Your son can barely cope, poor soul.

Statements are not just for educational needs, they are for social needs too.
My counsel here would be to apply personally to the LEA for a Statement for him and subsequently for him to move schools. You would have far more power than school ever would have when it comes to applying for a Statement.

Another option here would be to home educate him.

www.ipsea.org.uk have an informative website and have model letters you can use.

Lisa - I would advise the same to you re applying for a Statement for your DD if you do not already have one in place.

Hi Moosemama,
I have read your post and felt very upset. Have you tried pictures, photos or symbols to explain social situations to him, because children with social impairments find it hard to understand language. I am sure more people in here can explain better than me but it will help. You can show him if you behave like this you will get this, using tokens might help too.

Moose - sorry wasn't around last night. I agree with Attila that you need to make your own application for a statement, ime it is important this is in place before transition to KS3 and before any other problems occur. There are advantages to applying yourself similar to those of going down the gp dx route, you will have greater control and right to appeal. If his ass dx is now confirmed it should be more straightforward - on theory. I know we've talked about changing schools before and the options were limited but at this stage I think it might be worth exploring again. Whilst the social issues he is experencing might not be improved by changing schools it sounds like the peer support he had previously has deteriorated and the support you are getting from the school sounds poor at best.

You need to make sure you get a break from the kids if you can this week, even if it is just a couple of hours away from the boys. You sound like you are struggling and remember your mantra that you need to put yourself first sometimes to keep the family going. Lots of hugs. Things will get easier again soon, it is a such a rollercoaster, you are doing an amazing job.

Moosemama, My nephew had real issues with anger at school and they brought in a card system where if he felt in trouble he had a red card to hold up and show, both in and out of the classroom, it might work.

Good advice from above, but will just say - we never punish for what happens in school - it should be delt with by the school/ in school -
You will soon start to feel '' responsible'' for what happens in school and as you say home should be a safe haven. We do discuss it but its easy to disempower school and also blow things out of proportion

Moosemama - your experiences sound exactly like mine!. DS (only child) had lots of problems socially/behaviourally at Infants but hated it there and the staff were terrible. Things have greatly improved in the last couple of years since Juniors as the staff have been fantastic but now the social difficulties are starting to come back. We are seeing EP after half - term and waiting for appointment with paed but expect an Aspergers/ADHD diagnosis at some point. We also plan to go for a statement before diagnosis because we are very concerned that he will not cope at secondary school.I sympathise with you and know it's not easy to have a calm family life. Try to keep positive,there are lots of us in your situation and MN is a great support network.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I have only just managed to get online as ds2 is really poorly and ds1 seems to have decided its blame Mummy for everything day so I have been on the receiving end of lots of verbal abuse this morning.

He just had a total meltdown because I wouldn't let him build a huge bicarb/vinegar volcano in the kitchen, even though we discussed it and I explained why we couldn't do it today, but promised we can plan a day to make a huge one for his brother's birthday party and take our time to make sure its really fantastic. Not good enough apparently, I am a horrible Mummy, I have really upset and disappointed him and I shouldn't ever get to do anything I like because I am so mean. In fact he thinks he doesn't want to be with me today at all!

Attila, thanks for your input and advice. I get so confused trying to find out what help we could/should be able to access. I thought we would stand no chance of getting a statement as ds is so high functioning and the Paed dx Aspergers rather than HFA. I have tried reading the NAS and IPSEA sites several times and have found it useful, but get confused and bogged down. Not helped by the fact that I'm getting little or no sleep for various reasons at the moment. I'm finding I read the same paragraph about ten times and then admit defeat. I will definitely persevere though.

I don't really think moving schools is an option for him either, the other schools around here are all very formal/strict and are over subscribed as it is. We live in a good area and his is considered to be a good school. Confusingly, ds also loves going there and enjoys his work. He also has a best friend that always sticks by him and he would be lost without. He sobbed when I wouldn't let him go back to school yesterday and again when we went to fetch his brother.

This week I got him to draw me pictures of how he feels at home with me and the family, at school in his class, at school in the playground and in the queue before school. All the home pictures were flowers, rainbows and smiley faces (except his brother who was represented by a face with a straight line for a mouth as he said that he does loves him, but they do fight a lot). His class picture was ok, but was coloured in black and he said it showed confusion because he gets confused by the work (although his teacher says his work is fine) and his playground picture was of him crying with lots of black around the outside and he said that's because he is sad in the playground and wants to be with Mummy and his baby sister. His queuing for school picture was benign though and he said he doesn't worry about going, is happy to go to school and actually does want to go. The whole exercise left me as confused as him in the end.

Zakmum, we do use a lot of books with pictures about feelings and emotions. I have also just downloaded the 30 day free trial of FaceSay for him to try as he loves being on the computer. Again though, its like he understands the theory and can give the right answers when he's calm, but can't put it into practice. (That's with the books, we have yet to try the FaceSay programme.)

Hi Lenni, I might see if Mum will have the boys for a few hours one day this week, but I know she's working on and off. I feel like I could do with a break from him today, but can't really leave ds2 as he has become very ill very quickly and I'm quite worried about him. In fact we may well be at the out of hours gp before the day is out. Dh is going to take ds1 outside to help start getting the wasteland garden sorted, with the lure of having it ready for their birthday parties.

Borderslass, the red card idea sounds good, but he just seems to snap from perfectly happy to raging so I'm not sure if its right for him as there's no build up of anger beforehand it tends to be a sudden reaction.

Nonails, that's what I was worried about. I don't want him to associate home with punishment. I want him to see it as a safe and comforting place he can retreat to. I already feel responsible for anything bad that happens at school and feel the need to try and deal with it myself, which obviously is impossible as I'm not even there and don't get a clear picture of what happened.

As I said, I'd love to home ed, all his teachers over the years have pointed out that he produces much better work for me when we do his homework together than he does in class. But I don't know if I could spend all day every day with him and still retain my sanity. (That sounds terrible doesn't it. ) Also, how can he learn and practice social skills if I keep him in relative isolation?

Oops, sorry that was another huge post.

Just thought of a couple of questions as well. Firstly, how much, if any social/emotional related stuff can be put on an IEP? and Am I right in thinking that all a SENCO can do is set up an IEP for him?

I think I have just found the answer the the first question on the Autism Education Trust website. Apparently the IEP should cover, communication, literacy, mathematics, behaviour and social skills so the SENCO should be able to offer at least some sort of support while we are sorting out what will happen long-term.

He isn't under-achieving academically, according to his teachers its only the social/communication area that he has problems with and this has only recently become a problem (as in it wasn't a problem at the beginning of year 3, but has become one in the first half of the second term).

I can't help thinking there is something else behind why he is struggling so much more socially/emotionally at the moment. Despite his 'challenges' he has never been aggressive or physical in the past, right up until the beginning of this term.

In a way his routine at school has changed though, as he was so used to dodging or defending himself against the bullies that now this has stopped he still has all the associated adrenaline but its not focussed anywhere in particular. He was used to psyching himself up before going outside as they were waiting by the doors for him, so his usual biological response to going out to play was preceded by an adrenalin rush and lots of stress. I am wondering if he still gets that rush and all the stress hormones flying around his body, but then gets outside and there is no outlet for them so they just build up and up throughout the day.

He did used to try and go in the quiet area at playtime and has on occasion gone and cried to the teacher that the other children have been running around yelling in there and he can't find any peace. There response was to ban all the children from the quiet area, including him! I was wondering if they would agree to a safe/quiet space being made available to him at playtimes so that if he is feeling stressed and unable to cope he has somewhere 'safe' to retreat to. I would imagine their response to that would be that they couldn't do it as they wouldn't have anyone available to supervise him and he couldn't be left alone.

Am I just clutching at straws here? Probably.

The law is such that a mainstream school is required to make "reasonable adjustments" to make a kid with special needs more able to succeed in mainstream education, especially when problems have arisen. In other words, they are not allowed to just give up on the child, if there are reasonable adjustments which can be made and which would help the child cope. The need for a quiet area at break, because his aspergers means he can't cope with the noise/social side of playtime would deffo constitute a "reasonable adjustment" and I think you should ask for that. He could just have a desk in corridor to draw or something like that, or be allowed to stay in class. Or is there a school library where he could read. I know a secondary school near me has a "safe space" where a few ASD and AS kids gather at breaktime. Worth a try, as I should think breaktime is the hardest time - it's pretty hard for nf kids to negotiate, let alone those with social communications issues! good luck!

Thanks, sickofsocalledexperts.

I think its a reasonable adjustment, but am sure they are going to come back at me with the supervision/insurance cover angle. They have just had the library refitted and its across the corridor from his classroom, but I think they are going to say he can't stay in there on his own.

I actually asked him if he would like the idea of somewhere quiet to sit and read at breaktimes, especially on days where his best friend attends clubs during lunch etc and he said he would really like that. He's an avid reader, in fact its difficult to get his nose out of a book once he's planted it in one, so he wouldn't be any bother to anyone. We often redirect him into reading when he is rampaging at home and we find it helps to keep him calm and destresses him when he is in 'meltdown mode'.

Oh moose, sending you lots of hugs. have read through and don't really have much to add. The SENCO should be able to set up a support system for your DS in school that supports him emotionally as well as on an educational level, this should be detailed in his IEP. As sickof was saying, reasonable adjustments can be made, such as a quiet place to spend break etc. Do the school have anything in place such as 'Social Communications Groups' for the children to look at and work through social skills/ way of communicating appropriately with peers/ expressing/reading feelings?
It does sound like the school are letting you down big time and that the SENCO should be on the case putting help and support in place for DS. Moose you sound like you are doing a great job and that the school needs to do more. Definitely make an application for a statement as the sooner it is in place the more support DS should get.
Hope you can get a break over the next few days....if I lived nearer I'd come and drag you out for a pint.

Great to see you're getting help here Moose, I have no idea why I posted that you sound on top of the solutions (late / wine ) I must have meant something else entirely, sorry!

Hiya! I have a 10 year old with Aspergers and lots of experience of what you have been experiencing. DS is very high functioning - is top of his year academically, his language skills (spoken and written) are those of a child at leat 6-7 years older although he is very literal and can take time to process things that are not clear and have more than one instruction in them. But socially is rubbish bless him. We have a statement for him for his social and communication issues as well as behaviour. He is prone to violent outbursts when anxious and when he loses/is shown to be wrong/ is retaliating etc. He has 19 hours per week 1 to 1 which is high but he does need it, but this has only been in place for about a year as we had to fight for it. However I am so glad we did as it has made a world of difference to him.

He is very much the class 'policeman' of rules yet struggles to apply them to himself and this is something that we are working on with CAMHS and within his statement time at school. He is very black and white about retaliation, if someone does something to him they deserve punishment, regardless of rules. This point of view, coupled with impulsiveness can lead to people being punched if they have hurt him (even if it it the tiniest of nudges.

I think that as children move up the school the social demands and demands on independence get more and there are more adults to relate to every day. This means that children who have impairments in their ability to cope socially fall further behind as they don't see what to do. Often the higher functioning children will see that their peers are getting it right in adjusting to the changes but not understand how to change it themselves and become very frustrated. Schools often have a social skills programme that children can tap into as part of their IEP - you often need to push for this though.

A card system for when he is getting frustrated is useful but needs to be worked up to slowly. AS children tend not to be very well aware of their own emotions, as in they can't see that they are building up to an explosion until it happens. They need to be taught first what the signs are to recognise when they are getting to a point of explosion before they can be taught to avoid it sucessfully IYSWIM. DS has a safe space to go to when he is getting too upset but it has taken a long time to get him to that point - months and months of hard work by his TA. He is nowhere near being able to produce a red card to tell people he is about to blow as he cannot spot it that quickly, although he does carry one in his pocket.

I see DS's anxieties as being a bit like a bottle of fizzy pop. The little things that NT children release nomally (toothbrush in the wrong place, having a different breakfast bowl, having to wait longer than usual to go into school) build up and add to to sensory issues (wrong smell, wrong feel, wrong taste) or distractions (someone breathing heavily, a bird outside the window, someone fiddling) and the normal social argy bargy (a bit of a push, someone cutting you up etc) and instead of being able to get rid of this he will be like a shaken bottle of pop - big explosion that gets everyone! Perhaps your DS is feeling like this? Greater social demands can all add in to the mix.

Now I've gone on a bit too! Sorry, hope you get through it all! LOL! If you want to know more then please let me know. I can go of for DAYS! HTH WMx

ps. I agree with not punishing at home for things at school - this is punishing twice for something and really seems very unfair to AS children I feel.

Oops and should have added my support to the apply for a statement recommendation. It has made DS a different child! I had loads of support on here when going through the process and from comments from posters was able to do all the right things and make all the right noises.

Hi HKZ, thanks for the hugs. Yes he attends the additional SEAL/PHSE group once a week and is one of a few children that have attended every week for a couple of years now. Its a good idea in principle, my only concern is that as its a group that solely consists of children who have similar difficulties, I'm not sure how helpful it is, bearing in mind he seems to 'know' the theory, its just applying it in 'real' situations he has trouble with.

Its a quandry really, as he obviously needs to be involved in 'normal' day to day peer group interaction to see/experience it in action so-to-speak, but at the same time, can't be allowed to have a negative impact on his peer group or become stressed and overloaded himself.

I know we need to do it, but I'm terrified of applying for a Statement if I'm honest. I worry about going through all that stress for them to just turn us down on the basis that his actual 'education' isn't suffering (in terms of academic achievement that is).

Milady, don't worry about it. I took it to mean that I didn't sound completely useless/hopeless, which I needed to hear last night and felt comforted by nontheless.

Thanks WedgiesMum.

I love that bottle of pop analogy. That's it exactly with ds, every little thing is another shake of the bottle until 'whoosh' the top pops off and whoever is unfortunate enough to be in the firing line gets it.

I have been working with him on recognising the physical symptoms that indicate that he is having an emotional response. Its taken us years to realise that when he says he feels sick he is actually anxious and now we are trying to teach him to recognise this sign himself and do something about it before it gets too much.

Its just hit me, that I have held it together and tried to stay positive about the assessment and dx all the way along, but now its starting to sink in that I was right, he is different and will always struggle to some extent, particularly through his school years, of which there are a horrifying 10 years left. I can't bear seeing him struggle and get hurt, confused or upset on a daily basis, but feel like to a certain extent I have to accept that when he is at school I can't protect him. All I can do is try my best to get the school/LEA to do that.

I just couldn't put my finger on why I kept feeling like crying and I think its because I've suddenly realised that helping and supporting my beautiful boy is something I just can't manage on my own. Somehow that makes me feel like a failure as a mother, even though logically, I know his problems have nothing to do with my parenting skills.

moose, i think that's why an iep is important, so his teachers/tas can put in place strategies to help him socially/emotionally during school and help him apply the things he learns in his group to rl. The statement should not be turned down because of his good academic achievement, social and emotional development are important factors too. Sorry thats a scatty response one handed typing whilst being usedas a human climbing frame

HKZ, I am so lucky to have you and Lenni around. We are seeing his teacher for Parent's evening the Thursday after half term and will be pushing to get an IEP in place asap.

If nothing moves, we are seeing the SENCO re ds2 coming off the SEN register the following week and we will press her for a comittment then.

After reading what I have on here, I realise I am going to have to push hard to get what ds1 needs from the school. I don't think they are going to be obstructive, in fact they seem to positively encourage SN Inclusion, having accepted a number of new students into many different years this year all of whom have different types of special needs.

We saw the Headmaster just before Christmas and he was very helpful and keen. He said he would arrange a meeting with the SENCO in January straight after the paed appointment and although I reminded him once when speaking to him about something unrelated, I now realise I should have been on his back about it. I don't know what it is, I just don't seem to be able to be pushy with teachers and headteachers etc. Maybe its a hangup from my own schooldays!

I think I'd better toughen up and stop being such a woos - sharpish.

Definitely be pushy with them and insist on a meeting with the SENCO. I am the same, whenever I have to go and see the head about something I feel really nervous, like I am a naughty school girl again! The school has a legal obligation to support DS and they need to get thier arses into gear and start doing it.
If they are being shifty, they should have a SEN and Inclusion policy that states thier obligation to thier students, if thye fail to meet these obligations thier should be a governor who deals directly with SEN who might be able to help.
I would write a letter to take with me stating all my concerns, send it in advance of the meeting (to Headteacher, SENCO and formteacher) and take a copy and hand it over as a starting point for discussion as then you have everything you want to say clearly stated and it can't be pushed to one side. That way you can also ask for written confirmation of how they intend to support DS too.
When you see the form teacher about the IEP maybe go along with some strategies that you think might help. e.g. When DS is agitated due to noise/ playtime allow him time out in a quiet area.
Use a social stroy to explain to DS what emotions people may be feeling when he has had a row with another peer. etc.
Sorry I am rambling on now. But be tough with them and stick to your guns as they are defo being a bit rubbish.