Everyday there is trouble at school. I am soooo tired of it all.

[Chickpeas]

My son is 7 has AS. Academically bright but cannot cope in the 'real world'.
After nearly 2 years of fighting the LEA we got 1;1 for 15 hours in mainstream but he is still struggling.
Everyday there is trouble at school. He gets spat at, hit. etc
Yes, he miscontrues someone bumping into him as a personal attack. But it goes further than that. He never hit anyone until he went to school, he learned to hit at school. He tells me the other kids get away with it but he gets punished.

Every day the same old crying about school, the same old 'Erm excuse me Mrs XX, can I just have a word?' from the teacher.

His outreach worker asked my son to name his problems and they would try to work on them.

1. Class is too noisy, cannot concentrate. (he has auditory hyersensitivity, so a cat farting 10 miles away distracts him). OT suggested ear defenders after assessment. School refused. Outreach said nothing could be done at all.

1. 'The bullying army' , as my son calls them. Please help, he asks outreach.

She says. Make yourself a friendly army to play with! Great. She knows my sons 'obsessive subject' is historical battles and she has basically given him permission to start his own army in school to fight against the 'bullying army'. I have this 'permission' in writing.

Well...

Today he was sent to the head for hitting a child. The child was hitting his friend,who shouted 'help help she's hurting me!. My son went to the rescue and hit the girl even though she was much bigger than him.

Turns out the other kids where only pretending to fight. Mine thought his mate was getting pummelled.

Straight to the headmaster.

The other kids went unpunished.

Now, I don't condone any hitting NT, ASD whatever but why is it always mine that gets pulled up on playground trouble especially now they have told him to start his own army!

Headmaster had a go at him so my son went off and repeatedly smacked his head into a chair, causing bleeding and bruising to his forehead.(he has always banged his head when stressed)

Why Oh Why? I asked him despondently, 'I had to feel the same pain as the girl I'd hit'. He said.

He said he'd had enough and he was going to hang himself. He repeatedly tells me he wants to die, kill himself etc. Has done since he was 5. He says school makes him suicidal.

For God's sake, he is 7 years old and he want to die.

What do I do. I am so upset.

He just cannot fit in.

God, how awful for him and you. He surely needs someone with him all the time at school, like my ASD son has - could you make a health and safety case, with his headbanging and hitting as evidence, that he needs 1-to-1 with him at all times? Or can you consider part time home ed, like my son has? Sorry if neither suggestion is possible. Think you may have to make a complete pain of yourself and threaten legal action to get LEA to take note - I know a good SEN lawyer if you need one. Good luck!

It sounds like the school are failing your child.

1. ear defenders - on what grounds have they refused? I taught a little boy last year who was hypersensitive to noise and the hall caused him particular difficulties. He always wore ear defenders during lunch.

1. Do 5 of his 15 hours need to be chanelled into lunch and playtimes to support his social interactions (and I don't just mean monitoring him, I mean, helping him to develop relationships appropriately).

1. Have the asd team been in to speak to the headteacher directly, or only the SENCO?

The school are failing your son .

Could you take him out?

I know how you feel, my son has outbursts but they are always at home at aimed at me and his brother.

Has your son got a statement?

They know he headbangs and threatens self harm. They don't worry about it though. He has anger management issues, but is it any wonder.
He sees a psychiatrist monthly, so its 'being dealt with' as far a school is concerned.

They wouldn't let him have fiddle toys, a wobble seat or ear defenders but would rather punish him for stimming in assembly ( something to play with was suggested by OT, fiddle toys. Tell him off for wiggling or getting out of seat: again OT suggested weighted lap pad or wiggle cushion. 'work faster, get on with it boy' in class even though he can't concentrate because of his perception of noise.

This is their reason, and I quote the headmaster.. ' we cannot possibly remove him from assembly, any child that attends this school must attend assembly. Another child that attended this school once had AS and he could sit through it so there is no reason why your son can't'
(yes I know, I know what you are going to say)
and...' we cannot possibly let him use aids such as wobble cushions or lap pads as it will make him seem different to the other children. We want him to integrate and not appear as different, and the teachers have enough to think about.'
(yes I know, I know)

The headmaster talks out of his arse and frankly I cannot be bothered to speak to him anymore about anything. Unfortunately he is pally with highup bods in the LEA and they all go on these back slapping and self congratulatory courses together. It looks SO good on their CV's. (I am not bitter. I am not bitter.. this is my mantra)

He was the senco at the time he pushed my son to go for diagnosis because they couldn't cope with his behaviour and my son couldn't cope with them. Once we got diagnosis he then went on to ignore nearly everything that the professionals suggested to make life easier for everyone concerned.

1;1 was recommended by the world renowned specialist who diagnosed my son yet it took 2 years to get it, even then she is crap. I have watched her trailing after my son in a dejected way as he had had a meltdown rampage through the school because there was no spare coatpeg. She is as useless as tits on fish at dealing with AS.
My son says she does little for him and describes her as a female version of his dad.
His dad (Darling Hubby)has Aspergers and suffers from chronic depression, anxiety and obsessional behaviours. (yes I cope with both of them and it's like dealing with 2 kids. Hubby cannot get dressed properly, cook, wash, clean, either unless a 'pecs' type instruction is left.)
I have Menieres Disease and have hearing loss and frequent bouts of vertigo, leaving me incapable of much some days, no driving, cooking nothing.
If I didn't have a strong spirit (not the alcoholic kind)and a sense of humour I would be a gibbering wreck by now.

So, sometimes I feel like getting in the car and just driving away. Maybe I could start a new life somewhere warm. Lol

I did take son out of school for a while last year because they wouldn't give him support due to lack of funding but after a couple of weeks they suddenly found they had money in their budget after all. What a coincidence!

Hubby has lost 2 jobs in the last 2 years due to his disability despite all this alleged help available and has been moping round the house since May last year with no job in sight.

So you can see why I am running out of steam to cope with the whole scenario.

I want to take him out of school but it will be so hard to educate him as we are stony broke, can't even afford coal for the heating some weeks.

All part of life's threadbare tapestry.

There is an awful lot the school could and should be doing for him but if I were you, I'd remove him before further damage is done. They clearly are not going to meet his needs, not now or ever and you owe it to him to remove him to either somewhere that will or home educate him.

Oh a statement how I would love one. But round here the LEA will not under any circumstances even entertain the idea because they cannot legally fulfil their obligation to support.

My son has been on SChool Action Plus for 2-3 years and has rarely, if never, met any of the stupid bloody targets they set him. So they just rehash the same crap every term, rewording the ILP to make it look like somethings happening.
When my son first started school the head said to me ' your son will never fit in at school and school will never fit in with your son'
Not doing much to try to help though , is he.

The road I have travelled have been long and winding. The guys up at behaviour support know me well and feel sorry for me. Some speak to me off the record of what goes on but they won't say anything for fear of losing their jobs. Its appalling really.

I know my rights but actually getting anywhere is a struggle. I have even had SNAP Cymru ans the NAS ed line involved ( I live in Wales) and they couldn't get anywhere either.

Now I know why my son bangs his head against walls.Lol

Sons DLA is up for review this year and I lie awake at night worrying about that now. I know what Bstards they can be.

Sorry but I'd be taking my child out. WHy are you keeping him there?

Really I don't know.

I suppose the lack of support scares me. I don't have any family and neither does hubby, so we are on our own.

Son was assessed when he was 6 as having comprehension of 13.7 years and reading age of 10 years. He is 8 next month and frankly he has the mental aptitude/ intelligence of a teenager with the emotional control of a 2 year old. So I wouldn't know where to start. He also has no application to knuckle down and do schoolwork and it all ends in meldowns. Mine and his. Lol.

Really I don't think I have the strength to do it.
I tried to get part time schooling 2 years ago. But no school I approached would consider it.

I don't want him to miss out but I feel it's like the chinese water torture and day by day he is being driven mad by school. I worry he is going to have a major blowout or worse carry out his threat to kill himself.

And the worse thing is the playground mums 'ooh you shuld just give him a good smack' He is just naughty. Blah blah flaming blah.

Of course, I have never thought of telling him off for bad behaviour or explaining why to him. Obviously I am just a bad parent.

Good lord, it sounds like a nightmare. I don't know what to advise as we are just embarking on the realms of education and SA, but I would query whether your school are trying to use a 'blanket policy' approach to ASD, as that in itself could be seen as preventing your DS from accessing education. As well as IPSEA, tehre's ACE and network81 who can advise on problems in m/s. Hope you get something sorted out. The head sounds like a complete arse.

THe trouble is he's not actually benefitting from being at school - quite the reverse.

You are not a bad parent.

BUT

You know the answer to this already, dont you? He is 7 and talking about suicide!

Take him out. Home ed him. You can do it. You know him better than any of the so called experts...google the SEN home ed contact pages...there is alot of support out there for SEN home ed children from other parents who know what you are going through. Start a thread on the home ed board.

Good luck.

Chickpeas, the school you are at sounds like something out of the Dark Ages! Has the whole of the new disablity legislation just passed them by??? I think you need to get IPSEA on the phone and start kicking some legal butt! You sound like you have it very hard, wonder if you are anywhere near our other (fabulous) Welsh SEN board regular? You sound like you could use a friend?

The school is not allowed to say no to ear defenders, as this constitutes in legal terms a "reasonable adjustment" which the school ought to make in order for your DS to succeed in mainstream school. Wiggle cushions etc would come under the same regulation, as would letting him not go to assembly at all.

They are taking the piss. Please ring IPSEA and get someone to help - your son has rights, the mainstream inclusion bill is such that the school needs precisely to adjust to his needs, in law, as far as is reasonably possible. It is not reasonable to say "no" to ear defenders, when they have been recommended. We are not in Charles Dickens times!

Chickpeas I can't offer any solution but just wanted to say that I really feel for you.Your DS sounds very like mine as his problems are very similar including the head-banging. However his school are great and doing everything they can to help even though there's very little funding available. I just hope someone can help you and feel very about your situation.

Chickpeas, un-MN hugs for you. It is so so hard and I really feel for you.

First things first: you must apply yourself for a Statement www.ipsea.org.uk will help. No LA can refuse to issue Statements. They can make it hard and make you go to Tribunal but they can't legally 'not do' Statements and I can't imagine your son not qualifying for one.

I don't normally think it's a good idea to Home Ed if you're going for a Statement but would suggest GP or psychiatrist/ consultant at hospital signing him off sick with stress/ MH issues for a while and start to go and look at other schools which would be more ASD friendly, while applying for a Statement.

However, I can see why having him at home would be hard so the other other option is to go the Disability Discrimination Act route, as mentioned by sickofsocalledexperts. They need to make reasonable adjustments etc.

I know how hard it is to see your child so unhappy. J often threatens to kill himself and it breaks your heart. All I can say is that the school don't and never will like me because I have made it as hard as possible for them to make it hard for J. Their easiest option was to make life easier for J. However, I can live with the school not liking me because J is happier.

I know of a similar story except that boy wasn't dx until 10, until then he was just naughty and his mum told she was crap. he had a breakdown at 10 and ended up home ed by a tutor provided by LA for a year and then went into EBD school where he thrived.

Is the psych any good? I think that you need to put it in writing to the psych that you feel the school placement is breaking down, family can't cope, suicide threats etc and feel need urgent intervention - eg home ed with tutor until find suitable school place. If they say no just ask for a second opinion. Put it in writing so they know if he does try anything it will be recorded that you expressed concern and they did nothing to intervene. Keep a diary of self injury etc

I think above posters are right you have to treat this as mental health issue because the school are making him so unhappy. You aren't going to get anyone in LA to agree as they will have to pick up the bill so put pressure on NHS bods. You could always copy your letter to psych to the social worker for good measure. NHS and SS at least have a duty to look at whole family situation whereas LA only interested in child (allegedly).

Chickpeas - I am in wales with an very similar child and a very similar head in primary school , which took a lot of overcomming but my ds is now 11 in an aspergers unit in main stream HS doing incredibly well. Please just Pm me if you would like a chat. Do not take the chumminess at the LEA at face value - a correctly worded letter and complaints can work wonders - they protect thier own arses in the end

Dear Nonailsrules, I don't know how to send a PM. I tried to click on your name but it said you have 'chosen not to receive individual messages' or words to that effect.

How do I do it? Am I clicking on the wrong thing?

B;imey are you me?DS1'shistory is welldocusmented on ehre but armies,AS, hitting....

have to pop out to get him,but willtry and get back later. Sat in 3 hour meeting with LEA about this today so see if I can think of anything decent toadvise otherwise we can sob together

Nonails-another one?Also in Walesmyself.

How did you find snap cymru?We have ahd them invovled, they'regood but the LEA seem to rile as soon as we mention the name.

DS1 has a statement,sometimes I think we are very lucky to have that then i remember we have 2 asd kids, one with what school is calleing 'dyspraxic rendencies' (AKA sorry yes he does have it but LEA won'e fund the assessment(, and i think er- no maybe not PMSL.

Where in Wales I wonder?We're close to Newport.

DS1 is 10 now,but has been thesame since he started school, he loses it and is best descriobed as a berserker. It'sacombination of sensory overload,holding it together in class and a complete inability to understand social trasnasactions- someone brushes them,he hits,he is asked why, he exoplains allabout this kid who 'attacked' him, sounds plausible if you don't know him........

This very day I have been beging for somene to be with him at lunchtime but as school hasn't kept any recordsof the 6 a day attacks (!) we have to go through a 6 week assessment review for panel. In theemantime weare gicing the redcard and time out another shot,and the SENCO is going to ask if he can be pulled from the thrice weekly formalworship for social skills but she thinks Head will refuse.

If he has big sensory issues I can let you have a powerpoint from Uni that we were given last week,don't know if that will help? I found a fewanswers to issues with ds3 therein so who knows?

And yes- another AS child could do it....and?do they not understand the nature of asd?

Have you spoken to the children's legal centre? I don't know if the one in England also deals with Wales, I know there's a separate one for Scotland. I've found a well-worded letter or two from them can work wonders. They means test, so you may not have to pay if you are on a low income? I'm technologically inept, so can link their website, but if you google Children's Legal Centre, it should come up. They deal with all sorts of educational bolleaux like this.

Hi. Sorry you and your ds are having such an awful time.
My ds is now almost 14,has AS and severe challenging behaviour along with other difficulties. Towards the end of primary school he was miserable and we were constantly being told to bring him home. One day, I decided enough was enough and told the Head he would not be back. He was given a home tutor a few hours a week. This was also his transition year to Secondary school.
My dh and I dug our heels in and said we wanted him to attend an Independant Specialist school. My ds is very academically able, but like yours, still has the emotional capabilities of a toddler and struggles socially.
The Educ. Dept. fought us all the way and were b--s and at times I felt I would crack with all the stress. But, he got his place at our chosen school.
Reading your posts, I really feel this is what your ds needs. Small class sizes-6pupils and sometimes 2 teachers. The standard curriculm is followed but there is time and space for social skills and emotions to develop. The pupils go on outings and can earn points and rewards for work and behaviour. Our ds is soooo much happier at this school and would never have coped at a huge secondary school.
We repeatedly tell the Educ Dept. and this is what you need to hang onto-there is absolutely NO point in having lots of qualifications if you cannot get on with your peers and manage somehow with the norms of society.
We used the Law centre that specialises in Education Law to suport us, and as someone else suggested, find the nearest one to you and use them . They are not too expensive and really know their stuff.
Sorry this post is sooo long, but felt so sad and frustrated reading your posts.
The school IS failing your ds BIGTIME and breaking the LAW as well. They CANNOT refuse your ds aids that will help him.
Please remove him asap and start threating legal action and talk in terms of disability discrimination.
The LEA rely on parental ignorance and will try and intimidate you. Stand firm and demand a home tutor until a suitable place can be found for your ds. Get your psychiatrist to write a report detailing your ds difficulties and needs. If the school operates a daily diary for your ds photocopy this and use it as evidence. If he doesnot have one-say you want one-we found out an awful lot more went on, than was verbally passed on. It is hard to argue if something is in black and white.
Keep a note of EVERY time the teacher asks to speak to you or your ds is sent to the Head or punished for his disability.
You only want the best for your ds. Good Luck.