Manipulative and uncooperative

[streakybacon]

I've posted this on another forum for ASDs but thought MNers might have some advice to give:

Any tips on how to motivate an uncooperative and (potentially) manipulative pre-teen? I say 'potentially' because in reality I'm not half as thick as he'd like to think I am so he doesn't wind me round his finger as much as he'd like, but I suspect his efforts will continue.

J is 11 with AS, has in the past always responded well to reward and consequence strategies, but lately is fighting off any attempt to support him. He is desperate to be independent, acknowledges that he'll gain that independence faster if he lets someone help him achieve it but finds it hard in practice to accept that help. It's getting very frustrating, because all the things I'm trying to help him with I know he's capable of but I just can't get him to cooperate. There are aspects that are genuine problems eg distraction, focus, forgetfulness, fidgetiness and disorganisation etc, but we try to work around these things and use aids to help him. Medication has helped a lot to calm some of these things down.

I feel that part of the problem is hormonal changes, but that doesn't give him the excuse to take charge of situations as he seems to think he can. He knows I am here to support and guide him in any way necessary but that I can't wave a magic wand and make his problems go away - he has to be the one who takes that guidance and does the work himself. Without working in partnership my efforts are pointless.

I have to add that he's not always like this. Some days we have a lovely time with J going out of his way to help himself and make positive choices, with pleasing results for all concerned. This is what I find so frustrating. We both agree that it's nicer this way but on the days/times when he's acting up I can't get him to realise the mess he's making 'in the moment' and rethink his choices. We get stuck in a rut till the next time he decides to behave well again.

Any thoughts, o wise ones?

have no advise im afraid as have 4 yr old but bumping for you

When i read the thread title i though 'oh ,a thread about dd1 '.

My dd is a lot younger (6 going on 13) but is very manipulative and never cooperates.

I often end up agreeing with her to shut her up even though she's wrong. I think its a case of picking your battles, as you know they hate backing down even if they are in the wrong.

At the moment dd1 is getting upset because she can't blow her nose , she won't let anyone show her how to do it and doesn't try very hard, she just sits there shouting that she can't do it. Its the same with opening crisp packets etc, she gets in a right state before asking for help as she feels she should be able to do it.

Hi Marne

I remember those days clearly when ds was younger .

Not sure how to explain how things are now - they're just ... different. Over the years I've found 'uncooperative' to mean different things at different times. When he was younger it was largely due to lack of understanding and an inability to grasp his limitations - he's much more aware now, and calmer, but the non-cooperation seems to be rooted in defiance, which is what leads me think it's largely hormonal.

I think he may need a medication review. He changed to a different type in early Jan and hasn't really settled into it, so will have a word with his consultant. It's hard to know whether the current situation is down to hormones, medication or just being an awkward 11 year old boy, and medication is the only one of those I have any control over, so will probably go that route.

Thanks for the bump, bubblagirl