How do you deal with siblings & friendships?

[lou031205]

DD1 is 4.2. She has 2 cousins on my husband's side - DNephew aged 5.1, and DNiece aged 2.7.

DNephew is developmentally in a different world to DD now, and also has quite an 'ordered' personality, so DD is a whirlwind of destruction to him.

DD2 is 10 weeks younger than DNiece. They get on very well, and DSIL has started asking if DD2 can go and play.

Last week DD2 went to play while DD1 was at preschool. Had a lovely time. DD1 got back before DD2, and was saying "I wish my Jazzy get here" alot.

Today, DSIL has asked if DD2 can go and play next week one afternoon. DD1 will be at home in the afternoon, so will know that DD2 has gone to play (she will be picked up before I pick DD1 up from preschool).

I feel conflicted. On one hand, it is natural for DD2 & DNiece to play together. Also, DD1 is a real handful. It isn't the same as just a younger child. She needs constant supervision. Whereas DD2 & DNiece can play together upstairs in DNiece's bedroom, if DD1 were there this would be impossible. Seriously short attention span, no sense of danger, impulsive.

I think that it highlights that DD1 has lost her friends, as they have grown up & she is still a toddler.

But I can't stop DD2 developing either, can I? It sucks

What did you/do you do?

There's not much you can do - but I know what you mean that seeing the second child develop typically highlights how severe the first child's problems really are. It makes me feel even more annoyed when I think of all the people who kept saying 'Oh it's normal for children not to talk or understand or play with an attention span of more than 2 nanoseconds' . It's so obvious to me now that it is not normal - and that all these 'well wishers' would agree if it was their child !

Thanks cyber, anyone else got advice?

I tend to spend 'special time' with DD (11yo) when I get this situation with DS1 (7yo). She finds it hard because there's a 4 year gap (DD is older by 4 yrs). When she can SEE herself that DS1 is 'ahead' of her in so many ways, it gets harder, once the older one realises about it. I tend to do 'girly things' with DD when she's the one 'left behind', or watch a dvd of her choice, or we just cuddle, or play games together that she likes, or do some crafts/colouring etc. then because she is getting me 'to herself' she doesn't notice so much about whatever DS1 is doing. How large is the gap between your DD's?

I think I got to the stage where DS1 noticeably overtook DD quite early, as he was an early walker/talker. By the time DD was 5yo and DS1 was 1yo, his speech was clearer and more advanced than hers. I think that you can't 'hold back' your NT DC to 'spare the feelings of' your SN DC ('s), you just have to be very sensitive to your SN DC's feelings, and basically 'distract' them by being there for them.

The gap is only 20 months, but physically DD2 (2.5) is already more able than DD1. And behaviourally. Don't get me wrong, DD2 is 2.5, so very young, but she gets consequences, gets 'no', knows her limits, appreciates danger, etc.

Please?