When you have no direct experience of SN

[hobbgoblin10]

Just how does one be 'normal' around children/families that are affected by disability?

We have just one family in our small school who are affected by an obvious disability. The child uses a wheelchair and has physical and learning disabilities. I'm sure there are plenty of other children with additional needs - my son is one of them to some extent (behaviour and sight stuff).

What I am unsure of is how to stop myself making a special effort with the boy I am talking about. I feel like to make a point of chatting to him and being kind to him is pitying but to not do so would be like overlooking him because of his disabilities.

I can't win and trying to not make an issue and overthink this is like trying not to think of anything you are trying to avoid thinking about.

What is the right way please? I should know this as I work with a SEN school in my consortium but even there I feel weird because I am in awe/sad/amazed and generally affected by seeing others cope with stuff I wouldn't know how to.

Um- meant nicely - but stop the being in awe stuff. People cope because they have to. They have to because they love their child. And anyway life just goes on. What's the choice?

I think you are in danger of over analysing the child at your school situation. Ultimately he's just a child. If others avoid him then it's nice that you make an effort.

Okay. I just don't know how to not react though.

I mean, I don't go to pieces or anything or overdo the praise or act insincerely but inside I feel kind of stunned sometimes. I know the parent of the child in our school has a hard time and I know that she does all she does because she is a mother like the rest of us but I am still in awe of her because regardless of whatever duty there may be upon her, she works harder than I do and faces more hurdles than I do and though she will feel the same joys as any parent as her child achieves, some of those achievements are denied her and him. I can't help but feel sad and I can't help but feel impressed and it is wrong to have such an overreaction to just a family living its life isn't it?

I think the only way disability becomes normal is when you live with it to the extent that it is your normal. But what do you do when it isn't and you are so unfamiliar that you begin to look uncomfortable, i.e. the last thing you want to look as though you are feeling?

Maybe help out? Honestly that's more use than anything else. For example I am very grateful to the mum who takes ds2 to an after school activity (that I couldn't get him to with ds1) and brings him back.

I think help is more appreciated than awe iykwim.

I have had a number of 'I don't know how you do it' comments over the years, but really I'd rather they said 'does ds2/ds3 want to do X? I'll collect him and drop him off' or something like that. It's much more use to me.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things and there is not a magic answer that thinking about it more will bring forth. None of knows what might happen to us or our families tomorrow, and you would cope just as well if you had to- even if was a different issue to SN. SN is normal so you should not think she is in some special situation that would not happen to a 'normal' person.

Thanks. The 'build a relationship' comment is spot on and so true.

I have asked my DS's friend to come and play and checked the width of the doorways and asked about our step and whether it was too high without a ramp and mother has promised to give a date but she never has. We've been there, but I heard through a mutual friend that knows the family from before her DS was born that she finds it very hard to accept play dates because of her DS's disability.

maybe she finds it hard knowing that her dc wont be able do same thing as yours or worrys that you might nott understand , simple things like toilet issues might be worrying her.

Mayb suggest meeting somewhere with dc where you can both go along to and get to know her so she can feel more relaxed

but have say nice to meet someone wo wants to learn that we and our dc don`t have 2 heads.Though atm 2 pairs of eyes be usefull

Are your children the same age? Maybe it's too soon/ too painful. I don't particularly shy away from NT gatherings of kids now (which is fortunate as I have 2 of them) but there were times when I did. I still find rooms of year 6's rather wistful.

Does she have friends who have children with disabilities? I sort if think that's essential to stop you going insane. You could tell her about here! I'm sure mn would delete this thread if you ask.