My dear friend's dd been diagnosed ASD - how can I help/support her?

[whelk]

My friend's lovely dd has ben diagnosed with ASD. She is 4. Whilst its not a surprise to them she is finding it difficult.

I wondered if any of you have children who also have this condition would be able to give me some suggestions about how I can help them both.

I hope you don't mind me posting here but I would really appreciate any advice or experience you have.

Thank you

By being there for her.. She may need to talk and talk, or she may just need someone to pass the tissues and turn up with the bottle of wine.
She also needs to know that it doesn't change how you feel about her and her daughter..that her daughter is as absolutely gorgeous as she was prior to her diagnosis.
I know when my child was first diagnosed with a disability (he was a baby) I found it hard to face the world because ever 'normal' child reminded me that mine wasn't, and it took a while before I could see that while the future might be different..it would also be ok, even if it was a different sort of ok.

help her take baby steps, one day at a time. If she would like to seek support or groups for children with ASD offer to go with her, offer to learn with her.Offer to babysit if you can

One thing I would have liked when my son was tiny, would have been to meet others in a similar position, but also to find that everyone's story is different. My son is autistic and I was terrified of the stereotypes. Turns out I did indeed have 'Rainman' but that its ok.

You sound a very caring friend to be posting here to ask and that's exactly what she is going to need

Be there, listen and maybe bring her some books. Its a hard time but there will now always be hard times
Its great she has a wonderful friend like you. I know of 2 RL support groups for girls with ASD, one in Herts and one in London, and they are a great support but only when she is ready. We have just started a girls ASD forum online as well, if she'd like to join that too.
I think the hardest thing is everyones else's reactions that scare us most (well it does me).

There is alot of info out there, but she needs to find the stuff thats helpful to her which is difficult because there is LOads!

hth

Can I just add, you are a lovely friend.{smile]

i would agree listen and let her just get this out her system reassure she is great and this is not her fault we all go through element of was it me

also if your with dd dont treat her differently and if she is having a bad day ask friend what you could do to help

i was always concerned others wouldnt see my ds as the wonderful child he is any more so reassure her her dd is still the great little girl you already know

and offer to look after dd and to get to know her needs etc as it can be so tiring at times and the offers to baby sit seem to vanish for the fear of the unknown so ask her progress and how things are going and be there with her every step so you yourself are clued up

you seem like a great person wish half my friends were as caring as you i wouldn't have felt so alone in the early days

just keep doing as you are and im sure she will be just fine x

I remember when my DS was diagnosed, and my friends were particularly unhelpful - "after all" they said, "he's still the same as he was before the dx".

Then someone told them I was essentially grieving for the child that would not be what I would expect him to grow up to be, and that made total sense. In many ways, it IS like a bereavement, so give her time and support and provide an ear for her, and it will help. Just don't say stupid things like MY friends did (as above)!

Thank you so much for your suggestions. They are really helpful. Its particularly difficult as we don't live very close so see each other infrequently so much of our conversation is on the phone and sometimes words just don't match turning up with wine, tissues and a listening ear.

Its also not really feasible to look after her dd (although I would be more than happy to- she is lovely - and my god daughter!! ).

Much of what you have said echoes what she has already said particularly grieving for what dd might have been. She isn't ready to meet others in a similar situation yet.

Thank you again- any other ideas most welcome!

A lot of the books out there relate to boys with ASDs. There ARE gender differences, for example (and I apologise for generalising) girls learn the social cues necessary for getting on in the world, to the extent that we pass for normal (yes, I have Asperger Syndrome, and so do a number of other women on here). Most people don't even know I have it unless I tell them - I was only diagnosed less than 18 months ago!

If there is anything I can do to help, if and when she wants to talk about it - let me know.

(and I apologise for using the word 'normal', I didn't mean it in a negative way). I was trying to say that we "fit in" with the rest of the population!