Just want to cry. Actually will cry. DS2 doing residential two nights per week

[pagwatch]

The programme is to help with personal care and social skills.
It is a great oppertunity.
The preperation has been 'patchy' - I think that best describes it. They are very wafty in a 'don't worry, we can deal with his special diet' , 'he will settle in fine' , we will give you a call if there is a problem' type way

He went last week and it was fine. I was a bit that I don't get any contact at all while he is away but I liked the place and it is attached to his school so I knew the teachers ( who I trust) would be keeping an eye.

He came home tonight very upset and very angry. He is pinching and scratching at his hands ( sure sign of anxiety) and wouldn't let me touch him or talk to him. I let him vent and shout at me but it is hard that he processes missing methis way.

I have sat down and read the contact exchanges between the House and the school. They sent him in with an empty lunch box on Thurs. They are using his saying 'pagboy is happy' as confirmation that he is fine when he uses that phrase as a sign of anxiety ( a request for reassurance). The contact book says he was asking for me and wouldn't go to sleep Thurs night - but no one let me know.

I didn't get a call or a heads up that he was distressed so I could at least be prepared for the anxious angry boy that they have sent home to me.

I am just venting really. But it is horrible to have him so upset and so angry that (as he sees it) I sent him away , that he won't let me comfort him.

fucking sobbing fuck

no advice but that sounds heartbeaking

Thanks Moffat.

what have you put in place for his next visit ? can you speak to whos in charge and tell them - sounds like communciation is crap and needs to be sorted out fast. He shouldn't be allowed to get upset with people that can't communicate with him and know is needs - can you set up a clear communication book to go with him if you want to send him back, that clearly states when you want to be called ? or am i teaching a granny to suck eggs ? sorry if i am ..

Your not at all MissMarples

I think I am angry at myself that I wasn't more assertive. Beacuse I had to give them a lot of information about his diet, I think I became concerned that i would be percieved as over sensitive and angsty.
I had stated that I wanted to be called inthe first instance - I assured them that I would not over react but would prefer to know, in case I had some experience or just so I could help him when he got home. I don'tthink that was unreasonable.

I obviously though need to repeat it.

I think I might draft a very polite but business like email to the school and to the house describing the state he came home with and the fact that I had no notice that he was upset. Plus the missed lunch thing ( which is shitty for a 13 year old boy who can not eat their school lunches) and the "pagboy is happy" misconception.

But I think I will do that on Sunday when I am cooler. And tonight I think I shall just drink a lot

Thanks so much Missmarple and moffat for listening to me

Sounds horrible.

Could you call them next week to make sure that he is getting the care he deserves? Get them to email you the report on Thursday evening so that you can point out any fuckups misunderstandings.

good idea MMe

Perhaps I should ask for a kind of status report wed & thurs night until I am sure that they are on top of it?

I was also wondering about asking if he can email me before he goes to bed if he is feeling sad? I just wonder if he has no 'voice' for his feeling sad/alone/abandoned whatever it is.

Thanks pipin

He is actually no sitting behind me , wrapped around me for a big hug - so I think he is feeling a bit better.

I think you raise some good thought there. I am not going to over react , but will take the weekend to figure out how to appraoch improving communication etc/

Thanks ladies. I love this site . I was feeling so sad but much more positive now. I shall go and attend to him now. But thanks everyone

[slightly self concious hugs to all]

(( hugs))) dont really know what to say!

Aw. He sounds lovely, Pag. I like the thought of him behind you, giving you a massive bearhug.

I am glad he is feeling a bit better now.

I have no experience of this (dd1 only 5), so no real help or advice I can give.

One thing I have found with dd1 is that she is completely unable to tell "strangers" (and this would include teachers she's had for over a year, and likes and gets on well with) when she is unhappy with something, particularly if it is something that the other person is doing (ie part of a routine "wrong", or in one well-intentioned but oh-so-very-wrong move, putting ear muffs on dd1 to help her with her noise sensitivity). she bottles it all up even more, and then comes home and gives me hell for something which a)I haven't done and b) I don't even know about until she calms down enough to tell me at least part of the rpoblem.

Interestingly, if i "voice" her concerns to dd1, then she calms a LOT - I think sometimes the recognition that I have understood she is upset is very helpful to her.

With the ear-muffs incident, where dd1 was becoming increasingly fearful of them, but unable to tell school she hated them, I ended up telling her (in front of teachers, and I think this was crucial) that she didn't have to wear them if she didn't want to, and she only had to say "no". she calmed down instantly, and the problem was solved.

So all a very long winded way of saying I think there may be something in you saying that maybe your ds2 feels he has no voice.

Does Pagboy have a Communication Passport, Pagwatch? Maybe now is a time to make one/update it/make them use it.

No advice to offer but I'm glad your ds2 is feeling a little better.

Good luck with getting things sorted out for the next stay. xx

agwatch, when DS1 first went on respite, we found it very difficult not hearing how he was getting on all weekend. We have persuaded them to text us daily with a couple of lines about what he's done that day. It is reassuring for us and it's not rocket science.

I guess you are going to have to distinguish between your son's understandable anxiety about going somewhere different overnight, and whether the respite facility isn't up to scratch. Not fully listening to your initial concerns isn't good enough IMO and you probably do need to be proactive and make them listen which is so uncomfortable for you to have to do.

DS settled over time in his respite home and seems a lot happier, though given the choice I think he'd stay at home. It's difficult isn't it.