Child Psychologist - would you complain??

[theladyevenstar]

I will try to get this all out in one go and reading right but i am so angry!!

DS1 has ODD, well all the traits of it, has been half diagnosed by a previous CP but this one says "I am not one to give labels"

DS1 is under this man weekly for his behaviour at home, this man is in his 60's and yes grew up in different times.

However in the time he has been coming to our home (ds1 will not go to the hospital and i cannot physically get him there) we have got nowhere fast. This man visits yesterday evening, arriving late, and sits talking to me, ds1 comes in from school.

I had been explaining about an incident on friday (which didnt actually involve him), which resulted in DS1 being in tears begging me to come to get him as he was scared. The CP asked DS1 how he felt about me going to get him (remember he asked me to) and he said "Mummy worries too much" I was then told by CP i should not have gone???? my 11yr old was sobbing so hard on friday he could barely speak.

Anyway one of the main problems is DS1's lack of listening to me, not doing what i ask, etc. So yesterday as i said CP was here and I said "DS1 its getting silly when i ask you to load the dishwasher/pick your things up off the floor and it turns into a 5 hour thing when it should take 5 minutes"

CP replies "Well after a hard day at school DS1 you shouldn't have to do anything, except what YOU decide to do, if you decide to stay at an after school club then you can, its entirely up to you"

I looked at him and said "Are you having a laugh? it has taken me months to get him to do what i ask 2 out of 10 times and you have just told him he doesn't have to do what i ask"

HE then says to me, "I don't see why he should have to do anything after school, if he doesn't want to, i need to go now as i have another appt" and with that left

of course a while later when i asked DS1 to take his school shoes out and also to unload the dishwasher he replied

"No you do it, I dont' have to do anythng i want to" and he did not do it. He then stood laughing in my face saying "haha i don't have to listen to you and so i won't, oh and i will not be letting you know if i am staying after school you will have to guess, CP didn't have to do anything as he was growing up why should I"

now yes i am furious that he has said this in front on my DS, do i have grounds to complain??

He also compares our situation/problems to other patients of his, where he tells us about "other children" he has seen, even though he doesn't mention names i find this strange.

The CP has the attitude that DS1 needs to be left to face danger to know how to cope with it, he needs to be allowed to go out when he wants with friends, he also told me that if DS1 starts tantruming and won't let up i am to put him outside in the street until he does ,

there are other things as well but yesterday is my main concern!

I would definitely put a complaint in I did with the CPN who saw me and DS years ago he had been my counseller for the child abuse I'd suffered. His first words where 'we've met before' it wasn't what he said but he implied that as it was only my DS I had problems with it was because he was a boy and my fault, he had me in pieces before I left with all the insinuations never saw him again afterwards.

BL this CP tells me i should stop worrying about DS1 and constantly refers to him being an almost teenager and very hormonal, beginning to feel sexual urges etc....FFS he is 11yrs old and has been behaving this way since he was 4 he was not hormonal then!!

sorry not shouting at you, just the stupidity of what this man has said. TBH I feel he has undone what good i have worked towards with DS1

TLE is this the same CP you have been seeing for months? Why haven't you ditched him yet? On every thread you have written, lots of posters have said "get rid". This CP is a bad thing for your son, ODD or no ODD.

Lou, i had a chat with him alone and things improved,he began to listen to what was being said etc or he seemed to.Then he didn't come for a month almost and yesterday was his second visit in 5 weeks.....when he made that comment i saw red. Am still waiting for a call back from the hospital.

He's undermined your authority, he's said your child is at an age when he gets sexual urges when he isn't and he's told you not to help him if he asks for help and worse, he's told you to punish your son by excluding him from the family home.

Now, my boys are younger and I'm only just coming to terms that the 3yr old is slightly autistic, but to me as a parent that advise is all WRONG. How would your friends react to a man coming into their home and doing this with their children? Would they say 'Oh OK, you're right!' and go along with it? Your son's behaviour doesn't sound any any different from any other boy who has had the boundaries blurred and been frightened at school and should not therefore be handled differently: your responses are those of a good parent of ANY child. In fact, I find the way he has advised you downright creepy: you were blessed with natural instincts for a reason - you draw in information from many subliminal sources without having time to process it all and it gives you a 'hunch': that hunch is probably right.

Roz, I hate people getting overly suspicious about underlying motivations, but I agree with what I think you are saying.

TLE, I also think it is odd. Why was he telling you about your DS getting sexual urges? I think the CP is off-beam in so many ways that I'd worry about my DS being under his influence.

Well i have spoken to his "boss" and i have voiced my concerns to her including the creepiness i felt yesterday when he was telling me about my sons "sexual feelings at this age" I asked her if she would put her child out in the street if they had a tantrum and she said noway.

She is going to discuss it with her team and also with the CP and come back to me.

Roz, i guess the difference is his destructiveness, for instance in the last 2 weeks he has taken a carving knife and carved the wall, then took another knife a few days later and carved a wooden spatula. there are other things but tbh there is so much and TLES is knackered!

I'm not one of those people who gets overly-suspicious: however let's say I have first-hand experience and in this particular instance I'm concerned. Take it to a different context - if this guy sat down on a park bench next to you and said all this you'd think him way off the mark, wouldn't you? You'd back away, wouldn't you?

He's trying to make Mummy look bad and him look cool and break the natural ties of mutual trust, respect and affection whilst making you all doubt your natural intuition: that's not right whatever his motivation is.

Soz - crossed posts! He's a little boy - they all do dumb things that need something special done, they all get it wrong, they are all destructive: carving things may be his particular speciality for some extra help, but in the wider context of a child needing to understand self-discipline, respect for others and respect for themselves irrespective of any special needs it sounds to me that you are on the right track and this guy is way off the mark: well done for acting on it - nothing ventured, nothing gained.

PS, whilst I'm on my hobby-horse ;-) I have no idea whether it's appropriate for you, but I get my 7 year old to do things for points - win one for something good, lose one for something bad. Got to 27 points before he asked why were doing it, but you'd be amazed at the effect of saying 'you'll lose a point if you do that again!'. Every 50 points he gets a prize which he has chosen and knows he is working towards, in about the £10 mark. He frequently does extra stuff to help for the last few points and it helps him to examine himself and say 'I did xyz well, I deserve 3 points for that, don't I?' which is good for morale.

Roz, ohh i haven't tried the point system and now he has a ps2 he would like to get more games for it....hmm food for thought there!!!!

so how do i introduce it ??? bearing in mind that he is 11 going on 65 in some ways

You sit down at dinner, have a general chat and then say "RIGHT. Today we are going to introduce a points system. Every time you do something well, you win a point - be sure to tell me if you think you've done something well - and when you have 50 points you will win a prize costing about £x, which you can choose yourself in advance. HOWEVER: every time you do something that you know you shouldn't, you lose a point, gettit? Sooo what do you think you'd like for your first 50 points present?'

I have to say, my child is very materialistic, but the big thing was getting the kind of thing I might not necessarily have said he could have, like a pointless computer game download. If he's got a PC introduce him to miniclips.com because downloading the full version of most games is about £10 ;-)

The first few days you might have to let them off a couple of neg points because they get upset because they 'forgot about that', so maybe have a test run for 48hrs before going 'live'. Tell him this in as many words. Be sure to remind exactly of the specifically-named prize to keep focussed.

Be generous in what you award for: saying thank you, opening a door, being smiley most of the day: sit and discuss it at dinner each evening.

;-) R

Roz...I LOVE YOU because ds1 has become materialistic lately (secondary school and all that) so this might just work!!!!

Atta-girl! ;-)

Roz - hope you didn't think I was saying you were being overly suspicious, quite the opposite.

That is very bad! I would be fuming in front of such comments and ideas!
I second the complaint! You are absolutely right.

Not at all - I'm glad you smelled a rat too!

Incidentally all: I'd recommend reading 2 books 'A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing - How to Spot and Deal With Manipulative People' and 'Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway' (both on Amazon) to boost self-confidence and assertiveness when around some kinds of people: that's all this is about ;-) xx