does the enormity of it all just hit you sometimes

[Fio2]

it happened on monday. i had met a mum from my dd's school, we chatting along fine and we do really get on and I just started to feel sick, as though i was going to have a panic attack or faint. I felt sick to stomach and felt really weird. It was the enormity of it all just hit me in that split second. I felt panicky for the rest of the day and still feel a little weird now.

Most the time i just feel okay and muddle along, but then other days i feel as though i cant take any more knocks iykwim

this is most probably a complete ramble. i know you all think i am a manic depressive anyhow but its as though I have nothing to moan about and my mind starts working overtime. The pressure of being in charge of all those decisions and being the interpreter and guardian of such a complex child that no-one else has a clue, except a few like minded, similar positioned people

is it just me ?

she has been great, as she has been through it, and understands a lot of what i'm getting at. and think sh eis great for coping the way she does.

gotta meet her one day

crikey and jimjams is that why you are ignoring my last e-mail woman

• no I was about to answer when the bombsw started goingnoff, so got sidetracked. Once something drops out of my inbox I am too unreliable!

Misdee, have been trying to keep up with what's going on with you, might even venture a hug!

I know what you mean Jimjams. I find that some people are totally fine about DS and his behaviours and weirdness and others just find it alarming and it freaks them out. I can smell 'em a mile off! I don't blame them, but there are definitely 2 reactions and it doesn't matter what someone tries to do to hide it, you can tell and they aren't able to cover it up.

I was thinking about this more this morning after the last few comments on the autism epidemic thread. Funny thing is that I can tell how people will be before they meet ds1. It's easy - drop in the A word- if they shuffle their feet and look down at the floor I know we may as well forget it, if the conversation carries on easily then I know they'll be fine with ds1.

Some of my oldest friends have never mentioned the A word, and avoid asking anything about ds1. (or should I say ex-friends, because frankly I don't bother with people who are uncomfortable around ds1 anymore).

I think the thing that I find stranger though is that the people who take to him REALLY take to him. He has that far-off look that I've heard described as the auti look- and I think that has something to do with it. Thinking about it Davros - it's like that photo of your ds on the website- that kind of middle distance, almost touchable, but a bit of a distance look- i think it really draws some people in.

Just had some

Before having a child with developmental problems I had only come accross a few children with that 'sort' of special needs. My Mums friends daughter has Rett syndrome and I used to play with her as a child and we always accepted her for who she was as there was never any difference iykwim. Then there was a little boy when my sister was in hospital who had autiusm and epilepsy. He used to sit on my Mums lap and she used to calm him down. His own Mother didnt used to visit him in hospital, his granny did but she didnt seem to udnerstand autism very well and used to expect him to behave and used to get completely frustrated. His father used to come in though, drunk and fallasleep on his bed. Then my Aunties friend had a son with fragile x. my aunt is a cringer. Infact i have realised she is one of those complete nightmare friends who cant accept things. My gran talks about this childs mother 'sghe drinks too much" "your aunt cant deal with her and 'her' problems' "the son is a complete nightmare" Its as though it isnt happening, its as though they seem to completely ignore the fact that the son has REAL problems and isnt just a 'problem' child because his mother drinks too much when she is down. My aunt was upset by her friend as she rang her up one evening when drunk and cried down the phone, and she 'doesnt need friends like that

gosh this a complete waffle, I am finding it therapeutic to write all these insignificant thoughts down. Was just thinking though from past tense how people either do or dont accept things, without reffering it back to my daughter!