should we tell elder daughter about this?

[steph007]

Hi all,
as I start down this path I still have so many questions - but one of the ones which keeps popping back up is whether and when and what to tell my DD1 about this. She's 4 and a half, my DD2 is 2 and a half. It just strikes me that DD1 is very aware of lots of things at this age, and whilst we don't let DD2 get away with unacceptable behaviour, there are times when I guess I bend the rules to keep the peace, such as not being so strict at mealtimes, or letting DD2 choose the DVD as otherwise there is pandemonium.... the last thing we want is for DD1 to start pushing the boundaries and for her to be questioning what she can do - she's generally very well behaved so would like to keep it that way!
any advice?!
thanks

Yes I think. It's like adoption, the earlier the news is broken the better and you can add more sophisticated explanations as the child ages. It's much more acceptable than suddenly 'discovering' at a later age that your sibling has the condition.

I am in the opposite situation, as it is DD1 (4.2) with SN & DD2 is 2.5.

If it helps, my friend told her 4 & 6 year olds that my DD is a little bit poorly, and that her brain doesn't work quite as it should sometimes. They understood perfectly, and now have a reason why DD seems so young and behaves accordingly.

Hi ds is 6 and dd 4.When dd first got dx with neurologicakl issues I told him that his sister was 'disabled" because her brain didn't work properly.He has accepted it wella nd that initial convo when he was about 4 has led to lots of discussion which I have answered as honestly as I could.

He absolutely adores his little sister (despite the occasional spats and the times she gets into his bedroom and turns off his WII lol)He is very caring and protective of her.

The other day he asked "Will xx always be disabled?" I said yes but we don't know how much she WILL be able to do,as she can do more stuff as she gets older,but she will probably always need to live with Mummy and daddy.

He looked at me and went "When x is bigger if she wants she can come and liver wityh me and I will look after her!"

I ahve to admit I had to go away and have a little cry at that one!

Ah that is so sweet, brought tears to my eyes too! Children are amazing really, aren't they?!

My older two children know their little brothers and little sister are special and have problems and will always need help from them and us...

All 4 older children know that Kayleigh-May the baby has lots of problems which make her quite poorly and means she has to go into hospital a lot and they have to be gentle with her--school helped us with explaining about k-m to the twins.

My eldest knows he has adhd and he understands he needs extra support in school to help with his learning.

I think the other siblings need to know about their siblings disabilities as it helps them understand why sometimes their siblings get treated bit differently to themselves now and then we used problems as word to describe my childrens disabilities as i found my children understand that better than disability x

My younger 2 have always known. When he was 2 ds3 would tell my mum 'don't tell ds1 off granny he's autistic and doesn't understand' (and we'd then explain, yep but still certain behaviours were unacceptable autistic or not!).

I always used 'finds it difficult to...' and 'doesn't understand like you do'. Both younger boys have been completely fine with that.

We waited until we had the formal dx and then told them. Our older ones were 5 and 7 and tbh it hadn't occurred to them that DS3 should be doing more as they just carried on thinking of him as a baby. They are now pretty knowledgeable about autism. I tried to present it in a positive way eg DS3 struggles with some things but in others he is way ahead eg he could read some words at 2 etc. So explained his brain worked in different ways. We just answer questions as and when they come up. At school they both have children with SN in their class and the teacher deals with it by explaining that X finds it harder to follow the rules than you, otherwise the kids do think its unfair or worse that the child is really naughty. Our DS3 doesn't have a lot of behaviour issues, he's quite passive but he does get to eat away from the table / play on computer while he eats etc because just to get him to eat is a big deal. DS2 in particular is a really thoughtful boy and always wants to help out with ABA (which isn't always helpful!) and made DS3 a certificate for doing so well at his "special lessons". I think my view is there will be points where it will be hard and they will miss out and I am just pretty honest with them and say you're right it isn't fair but thats the way it has to be. There are some childrens books you can get about autism - the library often have them. They do come out with some odd things eg DS1 asked if DS3 was disabled (months after we told him) as though he had to change his perception of disabled from someone in a wheelchair to someone who could walk. And DS2 said "Mummy can you catch autism?" So I said no and he said "I wish you could and then DS3 could get rid of it" . We are lucky because DS1 and DS2 have each other so don't look for DS3 to be a playmate. We also have lots of parents who will take DS1 and DS2 for us if we have appointments etc. So especially when your oldest starts school I would get to know the other parents and build a good social network for her and you will find thats a really good source of support for you both.

My eldest has special needs and we explained to the second one when he started asking questions. He thought she had special 'knees' though The youngest still has not realised

We found that we keep having to explain things again to the other kids (ours and their friends) as they grow and their understanding changes.

I went to a talk by sibs who were very good at explaining things from a siblings point of view.

Once when ds aged about 4 was asked why dd2 sdidn't walk - he replied "because she's only got slippers!"

Ah, so I just need to buy her some proper shoes and she'll learn to walk by magic!

If only life was that simple.

Another one for telling them.

Though be aware that this may not guarantee that they will never push boundaries or get angry. Siblings of children with SN sometimes do grow angry about the situation. As do the children with SN themselves. And (hand on heart) their parents. That is a perfectly normal and understandable reaction.

Despite the sweet stories on here, don't expect that your dcs have to go through life being sweet and understanding every single day of their life, as that could lay quite a burden on them.

The closest ds ever came to getting murdered was when we told his sister that he had been diagnosed with the same joint disorder that has put her in a wheelchair from time to time. Doesn't mean they don't love each other. Just that everybody feels from time to time that SN can be frustrating.

Thanks guys, finding all this advice really helpful, and some of the replies are really making me laugh - special knees!!! love it