I feel powerless...

[emsylou]

Im upset so apologies now for how this comes out. My ds is 12 in year 7 at a mainstream secondary with a specialist package of care. He has asd, high functioning. Today he did not want to go to school and refused to get out of bed and when I tried the removal of priviledges which was after the bribery by the way...I resorted to the pulling off of covers which resulted in violence and abuse (on his part I might add)! I have a 9 year old daughter here as well who was quietly getting herself ready to school. My son is tall almost 6ft...I am unable to make him do anything. He is now in bed STILL and a specialist teacher from the local communications team is coming over to see him within the next hour. I have taken away from his his tv/xbox/laptop time and withdrawn friends visiting due to his outrageous behaviour this morning. All this will do now is make my life this week a living hell. I dont know what to do for the best and feel so alone with it. Feeling powerless in my own home is not a nice feeling. I know people go through far worse...how do you cope? And to top it all I have PMT. Not that that is relevant apart from I am crying more today than I usually would. Are my punishments over the top?? I am doing such a rubbish job I dont know how much longer I can keep under achieving as a parent. Would appreciate sone advice. Sorry to rant

Hi emsylou,

I was literally just about to write a similar thread when I read yours. I have had exactly the same issue today (my DS is 6 with AS). He refused to go to school this morning. I can't force him as he just explodes and becomes incredibly aggressive. I have made the day as boring as I possibly can - No TV, computer, DS. I am not playing with him and am purposefully staying out of the same room as him, otherwise he would just talk to me constantly.

I don't really have any advice as I am struggling as you are and feeling completely powerless. But remember you are not doing a rubbish job as a parent. Children with ASD can be hugely challenging and stubborn.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone with your problems. Take care x

Emsylou, is he having any problems in school?

My 5.5 year old (i know not quite as big) dreaded going to school and would do anything to get out of it, when he was being bullied.

Had quite a job getting to the bottom of it, as he wasnt able to recognise that he was being bullied or why he was feeling the way he was.

you are not alone,ds1 is in school but there have been times when getting him to do anything has descended horribly, and a friends child (similar age / size to yours) is bieng seen by EWO for alteness (at eklast he gets there) and wasescorted by police a few weeks back (IMO ridiculous with a dx'd child)

Have a cup of tea and biscuit and know that you are doing your best. bribery and sanctions often don'twork with ASDkidsas they dowith others,and attimes you can be literally powerless.

Has there been much disruption over the snow? Could it be that?

I just typed a big message that has now disappeared...ahhhhh. thanx for replies. The one about sanctions is hard I think as if he punches someone as a grownup there will be consequences, whether he connects with them or not I need him to know that is it unacceptable behaviour. I probably get it wrong on that one though.

He has friends at school, a couple of them with their own quirky little ways. He is ok at school...really hates some lessons and loves others. He is tired that is the problem as he dosent sleep well. The snow did disrupt everything last week. Well I will muddle on today and no doubt get up tomorrow and muddle on again. The sen teacher has been and chatted with him and he did the full on woe is me thing. My problem is because now he has gone back to bed he will not sleep tonight so i will be in for the same tomorrow!! I cant physically keep him up he is way too big. And we are out of food due to being stranded last week so I have to go to the supermarket now. Deep breath. cuppa sounds like a plan. Thanks guys.

Emsylou, I have a 13 year old (without sn's) and he can be a right stroppy so and so, i dread to think what he would be like with sn!

Have you tried speaking to anyone about helping him sleep?

I certainly understand about feeling powerless! Getting an autistic child to do something they do not want to do is still a skill I lack especially first thing in the morning.
Going to school is important/mandatory - except when the school is closed - no wonder our children are confused!! Add in the cold outside and the warm inside and I sympathise at least with the desire for a duvet day. Ds attends a sn/asd school and is still at the getting up at dawn stage (and pulls the covers off me to get me up too something I loath) but was only the prospect of taking wellies (for the playground) to school that got him dressed today. I also listed the chores I would espect help with
I have no advise (ds 10 is not high functioning so needs a different approach) but I wondered also if all is well at school? School is such hard work for some children especially if socialising is hard not relaxing. I do not know from your post if this is a full blown school refusal or a difficult day/ one off. I wonder if there is any mileage in letting your son 'earn back' some limited privaledges if he apologises, does some chores and gets up properly tomorrow.
I hope the specialist teacher/worker is able to help. Sending a hug!

emsylou I feel your pain! As soon as I woke dd1 (9, with AS) she started to cry and shout.
I think the snow disruption definitely hasn't helped, but this is a problem we face most mornings.

The stress of worrying about poor attendence etc just compounds the feeling of having no control.

Sending you a virtual cuppa and nice bar of choc -you aren't alone.