do you think your child having sn has taken away your choice of whether

[2snowshoes]

you are work or stay at home?
reading the debate about one verses the other made me wonder if we loose all choice.
I know I would never be able to hold down a job and get the time of I need to care for dd. or tbh handle the strain of working in a job.

I am still debating this, tbh.

But then mine are still young - dd2 is coming up to 3, so i would most likely have been at home for this length of time anyway.

I am struggling to see howI will manage to study/re-train (would need to, as no actual qualification in anythign, despite multiple degrees and a fair amount of experience in weird jobs pre-children) and do all the child related stuff though, as dh works very long hours too.

hmm, well will wait a bit longer and see what happens (other than it becoming less likely that I can get back to work)

Yes, I do think dd having AS has taken away my choice about whether or not to work. I don't resent this, but I do sometimes wish I could pick up my career again.

I would never be able to find a CM willing or able to cope with her fluxtuating moods and her mountain of fears and phobias -and I don't think I would be happy leaving her either. I would need to be certain that her needs were being met and that's a big ask.
I know her triggers etc like the back of my hand and, as such, can try to pre-empt a lot of meltdowns from escalating.

MIL looked after her when she was younger, but she has health problems now and, even though she adores the dc, I would feel that I was asking too much of her. DD can be extremely challenging and demanding.

I think it's very much down the the individual family, though. My former boss has a ds with CP and she worked full time because he attended an amazing school and she had a huge amount of family support.

So as far as dh and I are concerned, it's a non-starter and I remain a SAHM. Most of the time I am happy with this, but there are times when I miss going out to work.

Well I guess it depends, I do work but am wanting to give up as its very difficult to care for DDs and work but unless DLA award us anything, then I have no choice but to pay

I work at home, around everyone else, in the evenings at weekends and when DS2 goes to nursery.

With the number of appointments I have (3 this week alone), I don't know how I could get a 'proper' job at the moment.

I work from home: I desperately want to get out more and do something a bit more worthwhile, but because of DD's SN, the best nursery for her is over 2 miles away and I have to take her there after dropping of DS. There is no space in his breakfast club or after-school club, thus severely limiting the hours I can work.

Recently went for job as keyworking coordinator at child development centre and they basically said my experience would have been great to have, but they really needed someone who could make meetings with an 8.30am start.

Job - no, career -yes. Ds1 has as and is a t school now, but over the years we've tried having other people (even dh) doing pick ups and it doesn't work.

So at the moment I do a bit of unofficial childminding for a friend and a bit of one-to-one tuition in a school as I could specify the hours I was available. I have marked exams and done private tuition in the evenings.

That's fine by me-I could have been a head of department or something by now, but I have 3 kids and the thought of that when my head's full of the kids seems a bit unrealistic. I do wonder how I'll feel in 15 years time.

The only secret fear I have is dh will get sick of us and leave- then I'd be buggered all round.

I know I have it far far easier than some. Being constricted to school times/term times and evenings isn't so bad.

it didnt for me. ive always worked part time and it wasnt an option really, needs must financially. now he is an adult i have embarked on a career.

it probably depends a lot on two things - the severity and complexity of the sn and the availability of good childcare that can cope with those sn

i do work 3 days a week- and i suppose i have a career tho nothing fancy. it's worked because tho he has marked sn and sensory issues he is easy to handle in a small group and his childminder has sn experience and is a very lovely person.

The tough stuff is needing time for appointments. trying to fight for the best resources is hard to fit in.

It also means i feel guilty for not having energy to stimulate my ds more myself (i do lots but not as much as sahms do). otoh i can pay for a private ot for him.

constantly fantasise about winning the lottery which is v pathetic

Some of it depends on what sort of job you get. I used to be a nurse (p/t) and felt utterly stressed out as DS doesn't sleep well. I also felt like I was clearing up human waste all day at work then coming home and doing the same. I felt very unhappy but had to work to survive. I then re-trained and do very p/t hours in a job entirely unrelated to health or disabilitiy and I love it. However, it doesn't pay the rent, and if DH wasn't around, I think I'd leave work and go on benefits as I wouldn't be able to work in the hols or when DS has appointments or afford the mortgage.

This last week (being off work while J was at school) has made me realise how bored I would be if I didn't work! My hours (in a school) are only 15 minutes-1 hour a day longer than his (and that gets covered by me paying someone to come and pick him up and bring him to our house or by his playworker taking him to after-school activities) so there's no reason for me not to work at the moment as most OT/ SALT/ autism service appointments take place at school and CAMHS/ paed appointments can usually be made at the end of the day when I can take him.

But it's totally down to the individual. I guess I would miss the house (which we couldn't afford if I didn't work - am single parent) and the ability to pay for things that J needs without totally being at the mercy of 'stretchy' DLA and mean SS. I like work and like the contact with other adults. I've got some close friends and I like speaking to people who don't whine/ hit me! It takes my mind off home when times are tough and J is difficult. Plus, at work I get free time, something I never get at home e.g. lunch breaks!

It has been really hard at times and I have considered giving up work or going part-time, especially when I have been being called into J's school 3 or 4 times a week or when he has a million appointments that can't be made after school hours. Luckily, I have a very understanding boss who appreciates that it can't be helped and that I do more than enough in my own time to make up for the times that I am off. But not many people have bosses like I do or hours that I do or the ability to get ideal childcare like I have...without any one of those things, I would be screwed and so would not have the choice to work even if I wanted to.

I agree, 2shoes, that SN does definitely = less choice.

SN does equal less choice, I'm in a position (due to my own health probs) where I can't work, but TBH even if I could work, I couldn't IYSWIM. There is NO childcare local to me for anyone over the age of 11, and If I was in work, I would finish at around 5pm, then have to go the the after-school club by bus to pick up DS's, by the time I would get home, it would be around 6.30pm. DD is just NOT able to be alone in the house for that length of time. IF I could work, I would earn a minimum of around £650-£700 pcm for a part time, somehow I don't quite think my £260 a month DLA makes up for that...I was always about £120 a week better off when I was in work than I am now. And TBH I don't think the after school club could cope with DS2 either, and I don't think DS2 could cope without his afternoon nap (he still has an hours nap a day when he gets in from school, at 6yo/Y1).

No, I've worked full time since he was 7 months, had a SAHH for a while, and then my mother did childcare. Wasn't an option, I was the breadwinner. But it's not a career or a vocation, it's a job. I'll happily be at the bottom of the promotion heap forever because otherwise I can't parent to my satisfaction.
What it has done is remove my choices about sleeping though, and having a regular hobby or activity that is time specific.

for mw it has meant not been able to work due to ds various hospital appoinments , mind dd clocks up a fair few to. Add in none at home to share childcare means have not even got of the blocks

childcare is not available for him cm are like erm no and after school/holiday care feel that withoutv 1-1 they could not look after him to and yet again no communication so would leave him lonely and isolated.

Though have given serious thought to becoming a childminder but aiming at children with sn , though this will need to wait till things lot more settled

i work, although only 2 afternoons a week, and I have to say I find it a bit too much. Am going to see how it goes when DD is at nursery (she starts tomorrow, every morning) and finish a course I am doing for work and then have a rethink.

with me I've tried working and it didn't work out there was times when the taxi couldn't take him to school due to bad weather or not getting a replacement escort if the usual one was ill also hubby is self-employed so cant turn work down, if he worked a 9-5 job it would be easier even now at the age of 15 I couldn't leave him if I need to go out when he's home he either comes with me or my 14 or 18 year old daughter looks after him whichever one can I can't see it changing in the near future either.

For me the answer is definitely yes. I loved going to work and was lucky to have a great job with lots of challenges. My choice would have been to carry on working but I had to give up work in the summer as DS was being excluded from school on a regular basis and the stress of my work and home life was just too much. I was constantly on edge waiting for the phone call to come from school that I had to go and get him. I ended up on disciplinary as I had to leave so often at short notice and came in late so often as I struggled to get DS to school.

I now do a bit of work from home but even that has been impacted over Xmas and the new year by me being called into school so much so not sure if I will be able to continue with that either.

My DS has AS and gets anxious and stressed. He is sat here this morning saying he has a really bad stomach ache which I know is an avoidance tactic to try and get out of school. Last week (before snow closed the school) he pretended he had a broken leg to try and avoid going to school. I stuck at it and he went but I called in at 11.30am as he was getting so upset.

2 years ago i had to give up work as could not be available and care for DS when he got excluded from school etc BUT for the last 6 months he has settled nicely at his special school and my sister has moved around the corner from us so have been able to get a job for 3 hours a day. It helps that DS is out of the house 8-4 now so i only need him looked after for a max of 2 hours a day!

I went back to work after ds was born but left when he was about 15 months due to my health situation (I have ME/CFS).

His SN became evident before he started school and more obvious as time went on. Arguing for support/diagnosis etc took up a lot of time but I think I'd have continued working had I been able to.

The crunch came when we took him out to HE and now work is no longer an option, regardless of my own health. I've kind of accepted that as a reality now and don't have any regrets. You deal with what you're given, I reckon.

I'm beginning to seriously think about whether I can hold down my teaching job with DS's illness. It helps on one hand that DH is self employed so can step in in an emergency, but on the other hand if he doesn't work, he doesn't earn any cash!

DS has been off school for a week now and we managed to juggle childcare (in hospital) for the week. The snow helped as my school was closed so only had to have one day off.

Am actually off to Drs for myself as for first time don't feel I can cope Four hours sleep plus the stress of his seizures day and night is beginning to take it's toll on my sanity!

I work from home - but it is a pain being a single mother and trying to juggle all the appointments for DS with meetings I need for work etc.

Also means somedays when DS has a meltdown and doesn't go to school I get nothing done so lose money.

I think with all the DIY therapy parents are expected to do it makes it almost impossible.

With ds i have 20 minutes of SALT therapy per day. 20 minutes OT therapy. 30 minutes sensory awareness therapy. I cant see an after school club or child minder being prepared to do it.

just having a childcare crisis this morning so definitely even more tempted to leave work!!

I don't think it takes away your choice, it just makes you more tired