Don't know what action to take regarding ds's problems

[Manyofhorror]

Sorry this may be long!

Ds is 3. I had been a sahm up until sspt when I started uni, which is full time. Ds goes to nursery a few days a week (he started part time from age 2) and now goes to a childminder when he isn't there.

Developmentally ds has always achieved milestones at the expected rates e.g sat up at 6 months, walked at 1; speech development completely normal - has very good vocab and communication skills. No eye contact issues

However...

Socially we are struggling. He has always been and continues to be extremely anxious being seperated from us and settling him into the nursery and childminder's environment has been very traumatic tbh. It is like he is 2 different children - ds at home and ds in social settings.

I guess things have really come to our attention because the c/minder was initally understandably concerned, and thinks he may have an asd disorder.

In social settings he is often - unresponsive, displays nervous physical behaviour e.g hair twiddling, will not join in or play with peers (this is in nursery where there are lots of children). He needs adult support throughout the day as he isn't confident enough to move from activity to activity alone.

At home or with people he trusts and knows - plays well independently and with his big sister, takes part in role play etc, is always responsive (although has fiery temper and cannot be calmed once he's 'blown'). He has a one or two friends of a similar age and he is very happy to chat to and play with them when he is feeling comfortable/safe with me or his big sister there.

We do realise that he has a problem socially; he just seems terrified of groups of kids and unfamiliar or unpredictable situations. He does seem to worry a lot about routine and what is coming next. On the plus side he is very good at communicating his worries to me and telling me how he feels if he's scared or upset and why.

He is a very observent, kind, loving and emotional little boy and seems wise beyond his 3 years sometimes! But it's as if he becomes paralysed when around others and never wants to do things in front of people. He's very particular about using the toilet and won't even allow me in the room!

We have had nursery do formal observations and had an initial senco report. I'm just worried about him starting reception in Sept at only just turned 4!We hope to meet with the senco next month when she returns to observe him again, but should I be seeking a referral through the G.P? Any thoughts/advice would be very welcome.

Thank you Pipin .

The senco's report didn't really say anything we didn't already know from nursery's obs - noted lack of interaction with peers, reluctance to participate etc. She said that she was concerned about lack of toileting. Ds has had excellent bowel/bladder control for months now and is fully toilet trained at home; it again goes back to social fear, he was/still is frightened of using the toilet there.

Only suggestions were picture timetable and coming back again and meeting with us.

Thanks Starlight. I am grateful for any opinions or advice.

It might be worth seeking a referral to Paed through GP - or can his nursery get Early Years to do an observation (Early Years did this in my DD case which then led to a referral to Paedeatrician).

"In social settings he is often - unresponsive, displays nervous physical behaviour e.g hair twiddling, will not join in or play with peers (this is in nursery where there are lots of children). He needs adult support throughout the day as he isn't confident enough to move from activity to activity alone."

I could have your above paragraph about my own DD it describes her to a T. My DD is 3.7 and was diagnosed with ASD last month. I am in NO WAY saying your DS has ASD.
DD's nursery are applying for 1:1 help for her since we got diagnosis. Even before then they had concerns about her not moving between activities - she just stands there looking around for adult help. She attends a large nursery and there is only a limited amount of 1:1 they can give her as they do have the other children to consider as well but with her diagnosis she will hopefully get the help she needs.

My point I guess is that your son will probably struggle to function and learn especially when it comes to doing a full day in September without guidance in the school setting.

Your son sounds lovely and it is great he can explain his feeling to you. My DD is nowhere near that stage at the moment

It could just be that your chap is a highly sensitive boy. There is a book called the Highly Sensitive Child that I read a few months back which you may find interesting to read.

Special Educational Needs do not have to be forever. It may be that your DS just needs a bit of help in the early stages at school.

I have a son with ASD and don't want to downplay your concerns but some of it (the social stuff) sounds alot like me as a child. I didn't have SN but was painfully shy. Not at home with my parents or sisters but terrible with others. My Parents used to laugh at parents evening when they described this quiet girl who rarely spoke. I had good friends but a small circle and made them by getting to know them on 1:1 basis. I went to nursery with my sister so didn't really have to strike out on my own so didn't need the help with accessing activities I just followed her around. I did used to chew holes in my cardigan sleeves though. I never put my hand up in class, although I usually knew the answer. I still struggle with work social things and get my husband to ring up for the takeaway so I don't have to talk on the phone. It hasn't affected my life, I have good friends but a small circle. I did well academically and had a good job before kids came along. If he plays typically at home then it might just be shyness / sensitivity. What I would say is people who referred to my shyness only made me more self conscious so be positive, he knows he finds it hard so its not going help for others to point that out. If he does better 1:1 can the nursery set up activities eg buddy him up with a child who they know will co-operate and do activities where he needs to pass things to another child or say their name; get him to say hello to say 2 children each morning - small steps. If he has to line up always put him with the same child for a while, or sitting with the same small group to eat. Also do hokey cokey / ring a roses with 2 or 3 children rather than a big group activity. You might find if he gets to know the children 1 by 1 it is easier. It may be the group situation which is overwhelming. Its only been a term since the new regime and he's still young. Many children at reception age still have struggles - some schools run social skills groups with speech therapists and lunchtime lego clubs etc to help with those who struggle with the social side. My children played under my eye until they were nearer 4 or 5 and only then ventured upstairs with their friends away from me. Could you gradually withdraw to another room for longer and longer times when his friends come to play? Also would he be better in one setting where he has more time with the same children? We had some problems with my son being on the edge of things because his time was split between two settings and things really improved when it was just the one. I appreciate it might be more than this given his reluctance to join in, toileting etc. My son's class has a little girl who was selectively mute at school but not at all at home and she really benefitted from a weekly social conversation group run by a speech therapist at school and made huge leaps by Year One. The fact he can make friends 1:1 is good and it sounds like its the group / setting situation he struggles with rather than the concept of social interaction. I would speak to the school in advance about what they might be able to offer and alert them to the problem so they know they may need to allocate some 1:1 time to help him socially eg at breaks. They might provide this without a statement. You might find he struggles with nursery / reception free play but once you move onto the more formal sit at a desk schooling it suits him better. I used to love exams because I got to sit by myself didn't have to talk to anyone or answer out loud. It was bliss! I am still shy but did get a lot better as I got older. I hope it resolves itself one way or another. Does he have to ask to use the toilet? I used to hate having to approach a teacher and ask something. That seemed overwhelming at 4 when you are really shy. If he does show interest in another child ask the staff to let you know and then try and see that child out of nursery 1:1 at the park or at home etc. You might find if he makes one friend that will open the door to him being more confident. My ASD son has no social interest at home (even with his brothers) or at nursery which is why it makes me wonder whether ASD is the right path for you.

Eviebaby - thank you so much for your post. Yes I do have the HSC book and the description fits my ds perfectly. We always just had him pegged as highly sensitive, and it is since we have realised that he needs this 1-1 at nursery and his experiences at the c/minder that we have thought about ASD etc.

grumpoldeeyore - I really appreciate you taking the time to write that. Dh was always and still can be painfully shy, and sees a lot of himself in ds; I was to a lesser extent, but always covered up with bravado.

Those are some great suggestion re nursery; I have to say though that they are pretty good with him and are more than willing and able to give him 1-1. As I have said, he is fully toilet trained at home, plays normally and is very chatty etc. He has always been hard work - but not physically, more like emotionally. He can be quite volatile with his moods and we have always had a sense of 'tiptoeing' around him in many ways.

When you said "sounds like its the group / setting situation he struggles with rather than the concept of social interaction." that is exactly how we feel. Not that he doesn't know how to do it, but that he is overwhelmed and scared stiff! I feel like it is some osrt of social anxiety personally.

I guess the point is though, that he is/will struggle and we need to help him with this whatever he problem is.