my mum just e mailed me this thought it was really nice

[sneezecake]

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

Sneezecake, I take great comfort from that poem, and thankyou very much for sharing it, I am catholic and the saints thing doesn't bother me at all, and I do believe that god wouldn't give a disabled child to someone who cannot cope(says me who is broken most of the time)

But I have similar poems on Jack's bebo page and on my own, and lots of ppl have been reduced to tears by it...here's the link incase anyone wants to look, and even join his page?

www.bebo.com/c/home/index.htmlPls look

@ cyberseraphim - not seen that, like it.

I like them, proudmum.
the ting with the bin bag is very familiar, thats exactly how i felt when the paed mentioned the cp dx.
I suppose we find our own coping mechanisms just coming on here is a help.

I expect I'll probably kill off this thread now--but here goes.

One of the things I found hardest about SN world is the lack of opportunity simply to tell things the way they are for me, to other people who are ready to listen. Health professionals might ask how I am coping but they don't want to hear the answer unless it's something along the lines of the sentiments expressed in the ghastly Holland.

When I say that actually, whilst I can cope with the day to day stuff, parenting DD has exacerbated my underlying issues of depression and unworthiness and made me fatter and more anti-social, people don't want to know unless it means I can be signposted somewhere else. But I would say that these feelings are actually fairly normal for anyone suddenly plunged into a world that will always treat their child less favourably.

In the early days with DD it seemed that all the writing on SN parenting ignored my experience and was designed to take away my unacceptable feelings (ie depression/anger/guilt/rage at an unequal society) and make other people feel better.

Writing and advice either fell into the category of soppy nonsense along the lines of 'SN mums are saints who have been especially chosen for the job by God, so don't complain, get stroppy or feel crap about it' or 'yes it's pants but hey! Look at me! You will get used to it just like I did and acquire a wry sense of humour and new friends'. All of those sentiments may well be true for some people but there are a lot of parents out there feeling that they are weird for having other equally valid feelings.

So thank goodness for this board where it is acceptable to talk about everything when you feel the need.

It sounds like I'm having a go at people who like Holland and the OP's piece. I'm really not--I'm merely saying that it's equally valid to feel angered and dismissed by not fitting in with the sentiments expressed in them.

my sentiments exactly arabica, doesn't matter if your a thread killer

Arabica, agree. That's why I got so stroppy over the removal of that 'I am autism' thread (not trying to bring all that up again though!) - people's feelings are people's feelings and I don't think sanitising it all helps.

Right on. No sanitisation here. All unsanitary views very welcome. TLC without the TCP!

Actually , I didn't read that whole saint bit in the OPs piece as meaning that you are expected to be all saintly in a wishy-washy fashion if you have a disabled child.

Surely, the whole tenor was the complete opposite, that this is not what you should aim for? That being normally and healthily selfish and impatient- an ordinary human being- is part of what it's about?

Just because patron saints and angels were mentioned, doesn't mean it was about the kind of mawkish saintliness sometimes associated with saints in Protestant or non-Christian circles. How many saints have actually been like that? In fact, most saints I have ever studied have been pretty tough characters, many of them remarkablyt impatient. I imagine this would have been written from a Catholic background where the mention of saints wouldn't immediately call up the sickly mawkish image.

Thanks cory, I didn't get the bit about saints but your post inspired me to look up Gerard who is "used to profanity" and he's the patron of expectant / labouring mothers

Now, I'll be honest, I hate this type of stuff. No self respecting God could think for a second that my child is anything less than perfect
But I read a poem the other day, which just about summed eveerything up - for me at least.

So while we are sharing, I'll add mine in. Don't mind if anyone pukes , I like it and am very glad OP and plenty of others find some comfort from them

To My Anticipated Son
I anticipated complaining of a waking baby;
Not of being grateful he's able to wake at all.
I anticipated the wonder of time rushing past;
Not of reflecting on milestones so small.
I anticipated crying at immunizations and bumps while learning his way;
Not of agonizing at more tests, evaluations, and word of more delays.
I anticipated choices over preschool, clothes, and scout troops;
Not of choices between hospitals, specialists, and which support groups.
I anticipated loving him, but enjoying his independence from me soon;
Not of loving him so much I'd want to keep him sheltered in my cocoon.
I anticipated health and perfection when my baby was inside,
thinking anything less would be tragic;
But now that he is here, my special son has worked some kind of magic.
I anticipated anger and disappointment at this fate;
Not the joy and growth and knowledge that have become mine as of late.
I anticipated something different, that is certainly true;
But that's because I never could have anticipated, one I love, as much as
you

There was another poem which thankfully I can't trace now but it was written from the child's point of view saying things like ' I know you didn't want me ... I know I can't do what you want etc ' It was really sad and made me think in a way that the Saint thing did not - but I do see that in a new light with all the comments on it now.