View points of DS' relationship with his daddy please

[Barmymummy]

DS (4, undx'd ASD) has always been less comfortable around DH. DH is lovely, has a fantastic relationship with DD and is so proud to have a son.

DS has and always has a very strong attachment to me. Too much at times tbh. If we are both around he will ALWAYS choose me to help him over DH. DS will always launch himself at DH or play fight. Rarely does he ever sit with DH. When DH tells him off for something DS shouts really loudly at him and says the same old things of either

"DADDY YOU ARE NOT MY BEST FRIEND" or "DADDY STOP SAYING THAT, YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!" or other things he has picked up from us or heard from somewhere off tv. He doesnt do this with me very often ans eems to take alot more notice of me.

A trip into town today highlighted this as it was so embarressing hearing DS shouting in the shops at DH, it was all I could hear and in the end I was so stressed we left. The only way I can sum up DS reaction to DH is that he is very shy or embarressed around DH and just doesn't know how to act properly/appropriately. In the morning he will say to me, very normally, hello mummy etc but with DH its a muttered hello and a run in the opposite direction to bury his head in my dressing gown.

DH is a lovely man and he hasnt done anything to bring this on himself, am just at a loss how to help it tbh and its so depressing

Is is common in ASD to be less attached to one parent?

My son who's 6 with an ASD used to be very against his dad.He used to always say ,"I'm not your friend dad I'm only mums" It was almost as if he thought he couldn't like both of us at the same time.

He doesn't say things like that anymore but he has a much stronger attachment to me too much so sometimes because he'll kiss me many times over and won't stop and he often asks me to sleep in his bed with him.

No I think it's just a "child" thing.

But I reckon that the more spectrummy a child is, the more "child" things she or he has going on IYSWIM.

I'm constantly amazed to hear friends comment on how their child "is very particular" "is a bit3/4/5 year old OCD" "doesn't like crowds" "has never made it through a film yet" "prefers his sister to his father" etc,etc. "Wow!" I think. "You said that with no apparent sense of fear or shame!".

thanks linglette , you are quite right! Another example of me reading into things too much

Linglette put it quite well.
I think a lot of children can have different relationships with parents hence 'mummy's boy or daddy's girl' stereotype names.
But that said, my ds can appear sort of 'weary' of his dad, i put that down to the fact that DH is more strict and less tolerant of DS's quirky ways and challenging behaviours and ds knows that!

I have a friend with a very bright not at all ASD child and she would not go near her Dad for the first 3 years and then would not leave him alone. He used to walk through the door and she would attach herself to his leg and he had to walk around the house with her still attached! These things come and go. However having some Daddy only time when Mum is not around to run to can only help.

Use it as an excuse to get Dad to do bathtimes, bedtimes, trips out to soft play etc without you. DH has always worked from home and we only had this favouritism with our first child when I went out to work 4 days; but with the other 2 we have both always been around alot and its not been an issue. If you can even up the time he spends on his own with each of you it might help even if it is just a special hour for the two of them to the pool or soft play at the weekend.

Is he good at eye contact? We've been working on this eg DS (ASD) has to look in our direction when he requests something and it has made a big difference - before we did this he never used our names (he is only just 3 and speech delay) but now he will say Mummy + item or Daddy + item. My DH also waits for eye contact in wrestling eg stops and waits for DS to ask for more + look at him - which also helps I think develop more of a relationship between them.

Whilst I agree that dc go through phases wrt to which parent/people they prefer, I took part in an NAS course earlier this year, and indeed it is common for dc on the spectrum to be closer to one parent. My ds with AS "prefers" his father, my other ds with HFA "prefers" me. No idea why! Hope this helps.

bloody NAS. (sorry to those of you who have found it helpful). My goodness, thank heavens DH and I are not on their courses - we would be expelled!

There is all the difference in the world between (i) a child who is appropriately attached only to one parent and (ii) a child who is appropriately and lovingly attached to both parents but shows a marked preference for the primary carer, who will also be the parent who knows him best.

I'll be jiggered before I treat any more normal enjoyable aspects of our family life as aberrant.

My son used to treat dh more as a sibling than a parent in the early years. Now he is older he wants his dad. Actually I think ds (10)still sees me as part of him - there for his every need, whilst he saw dh ( who is away a lot) as a separate person from much earlier on.

I would think it would be very hard for the NAS or anyone to know whether children ASD or not are likely to be closer to one parent than the other - it sounds like one of these 'the piece of string was the length of a piece of string the last time i measured it' comments. I agree with linglette that there is a danger of projecting behaviours onto children because well meaning experts/busybodies tell us that our children are likely to have them.

our ds seems to often have issues with dad -'you are rubbish' (a fav quote for everything at the moment), or 'not talking to dad' and increasingly does not want dad to read, get him ready for bed. like mysonben i think dad is less tolerant of quirks and stricter. but then v. occasionally ds will turn round and ask him to do things with him. i put it down to me spending more time with him and i probably do more treats. it's something we have to work on. indeed, does not sound like wise comments by the NAS.

I'm with Linglette (am getting Greenspan tattoo I think) ... the number of times I have had to get professionals to concede that my son is a child not only autistic. We turned down the kind offer of NAS training about how to parent my child.

all my children (in fact every child I know) has gone through phases of preferring one of us over the other. ATM my ds adores me (last week he was Daddy's shadow) I am enjoying every moment of it.

totally agree with phlebas, my nt 3yr old is very attached to me and shouts at his dad a lot, i just put that down to age and cheekyness . my asd dd plays me and my hubby against eachother and she knows exactly what shes doing

Thanks everyone

Should have said really that DH tries really hard to spend 1:1 time with DS, he takes him to Socatots on a Saturday morning, snuggles up with him to watch SoccerAM as DS loves to watch the crossbar challange and the penalty shoot out game (dont ask lol!), takes him to the park and beach, out on his bike etc etc so does spend lots of 1:1 with him. DS is fine with him doing stuff like this but he seems to freak out when DH has to discipline him.

So for example DS will be running around a shop causing havoc and DH will say to him DS please come and sit in the buggy/stand still or whatever and DS would react by shouting full pelt back at DH whereas with me he would probably do as he is told. Guess its easier to say DS is fine with DH when things are hunky dorey but as soon as he needs a ticking off etc he loses the plot. In fact its not even solely when needing disciplining either!! DH told DS to nip upstairs and brush his teeth last night as I had already asked him to and DS just has a right old pop at DH

Its hard to explain really am not doing a very good job!!