This is really long, but if anyone can take the time to read and reply I would be ever so grateful. Just after some advice, really. Feeling so confused and weary
DS is 4.10 yrs old. He had problems in his first nursery (when aged rising 3 yrs) and then in his school nursery, where he was put on Early Years Action, and then EYA Plus (after we approached a GP and got a referral to the Child Development Service). His problems then were: hitting/biting/pushing other children; 'not listening'; not doing as asked/told by teachers; throwing himself on the floor and 'acting silly'; having epic tantrums over small things.
At this stage we tried lots of things. Obviously he had an IEP, which we met regularly with the nursery to discuss. He also started seeing a learning mentor once a week in nursery. I attended a parenting course and we had several sessions with a Family Support Worker from the LEA. We really have exhausted every avenue we could think of over the past year in terms of trying to improve his behaviour. It got to the stage where I felt unwilling to blame it on being 'just a phase' any longer - he stuck out like a sore thumb in any group of children - and I instinctively felt there was more going on than just 'bad behaviour'. Although the nursery were reluctant to say anything concrete, it was obvious they thought so, too.
Since the summer, we have got the ball rolling with referrals outside of school. He was seen by the Comm Paed initially in June. She referred to CAMHS, who we saw in Sept. DS started reception in Sept, and CAMHS came in and did an observation in Oct. CAMHS referred him to a SALT for problems with social communication (he is highly verbal and a fluent reader, so he doesn't have traditional SAL issues). I already feel like we are being pushed from pillar to post, and the reports from these appointments always seem so very vague and so very short, I am left feeling disappointed and desperate for some sort of actual, real help.
Meanwhile, only a term into reception, his behaviour is causing real problems at school, and I am terribly worried about my DS. He doesn't seem to go more than a few days without a major incident - pushing a child from a climbing frame, cutting another child's hair, throwing a brick at a child's head. I know my DS and I know what leads up to these behaviours, although I don't know what causes it. He cannot seem to cope with group settings, or with communicating / listening when the interaction involves more than a one-to-one. So he is fine if he is sitting down with an adult. He is better (although not great) when the interaction is him and one other child. Any more people than that, and he cannot cope and becomes 'silly' and eventually aggressive. He finds lots of situations very stressful, but because he is a bright, verbal, handsome boy, people can't always tell. However, I can. He starts clearing his throat obssessively and has almost Tourette's like tics - flapping his arms, burying his face in something nearby (a sofa, my legs etc) and making a sort of shrill screeching sound.
The situation has reached breaking point for me on Friday, whe he was excluded from the school theatre trip for persistently pushing, hitting, throwing things around etc - and spent the afternoon with the nursery children. The really sad thing was that when I picked him up, he didn't seem to care. Or rather, he was unable to express his emotions. He put a fake sad voice on and said 'It was really sad, I wasn't allowed to go', but he didn't seem sad.
I am just despairing. Honestly. Am i just a really shit parent, or is there something wrong with my boy?
I am so confused. The school are supportive and seem proactive, but I am just not convinced that a simple 'praise the good, punish the bad' approach is going to work. Things like the naughty step have had zero effect on DS - I have learned this the hard way. He has been internally excluded several times already and is taken up to see the Headmistress at least once or twice a week. It doesn't seem to be having any effect at all. I am not happy about this and have let the SENCo know, but I can see his point, which is that they want to be totally inclusive of my DS but when he puts other children's wellbeing at risk they have no choice but to remove him from the setting to 'cool off'.
So what do I do?
The SENCo is talking about statutory assessment, and Asperger's / high functioning ASD has been tentatively mentioned.He is now seeing a learning mentor in one-to-one and group settings three times a week. On the plus side, the school are good communicators and we are in daily contact with his reception teacher (she gives us a report on how he's been each day) and weekly contact with the SENCo. We also have monthly review meetings with both. At the last meeting the SENCo outlined all the measures they were taking to help our DS. They are being really proactive. They have had a teacher from a local special school (ASD) in to observe him and they are in regular contact with her for advice. The High Incident Support Team has been in from the LEA, and a teacher from another year who's son has Asperger's has been in to observe DS and advise his teacher on strategies. They have also paired up my son with a buddy - a Year 6 boy, a real friendly giant - who shadows him at lunchtime (as this is one of the times when his behaviour really falls apart).
The fact remains that he doesn't have a diagnosis.
I mentioned Asperger's to the Comm Paed at our review appt a few weeks ago and she went through the criteria for diagnosis and said that we may have difficulty getting a DX as he doesn't meet enough of the criteria. However, she said she felt that the referral to a SALT was an indirect way of CAMHS saying that they also had suspicions along the lines of an autistic spectrum disorder and wanted it confirmed, so we should wait and see.
I fed this back to the school and they said we should wait to see what the SALT says, as they may provide ammunition to a request for a stat assessment (Our LEA are notorious for turning down first requests, and for rejecting requests which don't provide enough references to professional opinion). The school are definitely angling for a statement, is my feeling.
I am meeting the SENCo next week to discuss all of this and how we proceed. I want to know what the school 6want^ out of a statement - what additional hours / support etc do they feel they need to be able to cope with my DS, so that he is not spending half the day 'sitting out' or being sent up the Head's office.
I am rambling now. Sorry. What would you do? Should I be pushing for a DX? We could afford a private one if that would help? Should I apply for a stat assessment myself (the school will support it, as will CAMHS)...should I wait for the SALT appt? What the hell am I supposed to do? I am so sick of my little boy being the naughty kid in the corner.