Don't know what to think?

[ihearttc]

Apologies if Im posting this in totally the wrong place but don't quite know who else to ask for any advice.

Basically my DS started reception in september and we had the first parents evening last night and I thought that DS was doing really well and it'd just be having a look at his work etc and having a chat with the teacher...and it turned into her basically saying that she thinks DS has got issues which are affecting him at school.

Ive known for ages that he is a bit of a stress head (as we call it!) and he does worry about things probably more than most other children do but thats just him but it has got worse since he has been at school.

Nobody has mentioned anything about this to me before now so its all come as a bit of a shock. What they are saying is that he spends a lot of his time worrying about things in the classroom rather than playing and working.

For example the other morning there was a toy car in the middle of the playground before school so DS picked it up and took it to the teacher cause he knew it shouldn't be there but according to the school most children would have just left it there. They had to take money in last friday for Children in Need and he dropped his on the floor so he got really upset and was moving the drawers to try and find it...once again to me that doesn't seem especially "odd"-he had collected the money from us and grandparents and was upset that he'd lost it. They also had to take a teddy to school for children in need as well so DS picked which one he wanted to take and was perfectly happy but his teacher said he didn't want to put it down and when asked why he said he didn't want anyone to take it which also doesn't seem particularly unusual either.

They have said he likes helping and can often be tidying stuff up but when Ive said to him why are you doing that he just said it was all messy and we get told to make sure things are tidy at school.

I honestly don't know what to make of it. Part of the reason they are concerned is that they have this sheets of key words to learn and while most of the children are on sheet 1 or 2 (9 words on each) DS is on sheet 7 and its like he looks at the words can just memorise them which according to them isn't right. He can read a bit but nothing spectacular and comes across as quite bright I suppose but nothing that out of the ordinary.

He is a very sociable little boy who is tactile and loving and has friends...although apparently having 2 or 3 friends at 4 isn't good enough he has to apparently engage with all the children.

They are apparently doing an IEP for him and the headteacher has said that after christmas she wants the ED Phyc to come and have a look at him but won't or can't tell me exactly what for...he is happy at school and loves going,he has friends and is doing well at his work so apart from the fact that he worries about stuff because in his words he is scared of getting told off and picks things up that he knows are in the wrong place I don't actually get what the issue is and I feel that they are making a huge thing about something really small. Don't get me wrong if there is a problem then I would rather it got addressed now rather than later but I honestly don't think there is?

He left nursery in August and started school in september and he never had any problems there at all (which I know doesn't mean there isn't a problem) but it has just come completely out of the blue.

I asked the HT if he had have been kicking and breaking the toys rather than picking them up would she have said there was a problem then and she said no...so what does that mean?

Just wondered if anyone had any experience of this and if his behaviour rings any bells with anyone? Just feel like they are almost trying to label him when there is no need to.

I can't really see what the HT is worrying about from what you have said neither. My dt2 is very similar in the worrying about things. He is jsut anal over things, and likes everything to be jsut so! I don't personally think it is something to be concerned about.

However, an IEP isn't a bad thing. You can look at it with them and say if you are unhappy with any of the targets on it. If he is progressing quicker than others it may incorporate targets to support him in that. It also isn't going to hurt for the Ed PSych to have a look. No-one is going to rush into labelling him, and an Ed PSych isn't even qualified to do so anyway.

I'd go along with things for now, jsut in case they are onto something but try not to let it all worry you too much. He sounds a lovely little boy.

Aww thank you...am sitting here in floods of tears now because he is such a lovely little boy but because he doesn't behave in exactly the way they think he should be its like he doing something wrong.

Anal describes him to a tee as well...DH is very similar!

Didn't realise Id get to look at the IEP so am pleased about that and Im glad they are picking up on problems but it just seems like they are making a problem with there isn't one.

Thanks once again.

ihearttc,

I am actually glad to read that the school have noticed something (many schools would let such anxiety based issues slip to the child's detriment) and has decided to call the EP in.

Is he consistently more anxious at school than at home?. Do you think he is acting as the class "policeman"?. Is he very literal with regards to right and wrong?. How long have you noticed his "stresshead" issues?. Is he very "particular" at home, does he like things being done in a certain way, how does he manage with a change in routines?.

The EP can usually advise the school re your DS's educational needs. What they CANNOT do as they are not qualified to do so is make any sort of diagnosis. That has to be left to a developmental paediatrician whose services you can access via the GP. That may well be a route you need to consider now as well.

You seem scared as to what they may find or say to you which is understandable really.

Would like to make one thing loud and clear to you now - this is in NO WAY due to your parenting to date, it is nothing you have or have not done. So please do not feel guilty if you do. A label should solely be seen as a singpost to getting more help and support, it is not a stigma and certainly should not be perceived as one.

Tricky one.

Have you been into school to observe? Being as the behaviour isn't causing them any problems, I don't think they'd be raising it this early unless his behaviour was really noticeable. If they allow you to observe I think it would make your conversations with school more meaningful: in the SN space the dividing line between "typical" and "SN" is often not the behaviour but how often it happens and whether it is appropriate. So they can describe something to you and you think "all kids do that" - but then you watch him with other kids and it's obvious he's doing it when they would not.

The school are VERY unlikely to "label" him unnecessarily ime. The Ed Psych is not motivated to look for things that aren't there - quite the opposite as if they find something they will have to stump up extra money to support it so it's in their interests to turn a blind eye. If he sees a doctor (CAMHS or developmental paed) again it's unusual to diagnose and then it turn out there's nothing wrong. OK, they do sometimes diagnose the wrong thing and change their minds later, but they don't make stuff up, the diagnostic criteria are quite firm.

Also be aware that if he did have something going on, particularly if it is subtle, parents are often in denial about it and all the professionals know it. So the more you protest, the more likely they are to write off your opinion as having your head in the sand. Make a big point of going in with an open mind, while still asking the questions you are asking. I think from your pov the big question is to keep them on track as to how this is affecting his education, and what practical strategies can be put in to help?

Another point - he may be G&T. If he's storming ahead with his school work and trying to comply with the most trivial rules; perhaps some of this is boredom? They have G&T funds these days.

In summary: can't say from the description whether they are making a mountain out of a molehill. However, Ed psych and their ilk won't label if there's nothing wrong. So I don't think you have anything to lose by letting them look more closely.

I am certain as well your DS is a bonny little chap.

My best wishes to you, keep us posted as to developments.

Try not to worry unduly, just try and see this as actually a positive development.

An IEP should be drawn up each term and also with you present at the informal meeting beforehand. It should not be given to you without any previous consultation with yourself; this is bad practice on the school's part if they did this.

Attila-love your name btw!!

He has only been stressing about things since he started school...don't know how else to explain it but its almost like he has realised that school has rules to follow and he is almost scared to do things in case he gets them wrong and gets told off. A good example is there is a museum near where we live which is full of old buses,cars,fire engines etc which all little boys love. We took him last winter and he loved it and was clambouring over things and ringing bells etc whereas we took him in half term and he was scared to go on anything cause he thought he'd be told off. Its like he has become a completely different child since he started school.

I haven't noticed him being particularly anxious at school at all...he is happy to go and loves being there but according to his teacher he is worrying all day. There are things that have happened which have bothered him which he tells me about such as he was upset because he left something in the toilet (they have cardboard things to take with them at lunchtime if they need the toilet so the dinner ladies know who has gone) and he thought he'd get into trouble but no major issues.

He isn't particular at home at all and isn't bothered about things being done a certain way...doesn't go around tidying or anything and plays with his toys as they should be played. Isn't obsessed with a specific thing or anything like that...he is just a normal little boy.

He copes fine with change in routine...they had another teacher last week cause his teacher was ill and he just walked in and said hello to her while some of the children were crying cause they wanted their own teacher. He also swapped from packed lunches to hot dinners and apart from worrying a bit about what he had to do at lunchtime (which is completely understandable) he was absolutely fine.

Hmm he does act a bit like the class policeman I suppose and certainly doesn't like if another child is breaking something for example but he certainly doesn't spend all his time telling them what to do or anything.

I didn't realise the EP wouldn't be able to diagnose anything...the way the HT was explaining it was that was what she wanted him to do. I might take him to the GP and see what they say and then they can refer him to the peadiatrician is need be.

I think Im more shocked then scared tbh. Its just come so out of the blue and I had no idea there was anything wrong. I know deep down that a label doesn't mean anything and that it will just enable him to get any help he needs but its just knocked me for six a bit.