Any advice for how to deal with angry/violent meltdowns as your child gets bigger?

[BitOfFun]

Because I am black and blue, and starting to get quite upset about not being able to physically deal with dd2 anymore.

She is tall for her age and freakishly strong. I am now unable to get her upstairs and to her room while she is doing this. I managed today by picking her up with the help of dd1(13) and carrying her between us.

She goes rigid and hurls herself to the floor, thrashing around and lashing out with her feet, but also bites and scratches. I can't just leave her because she pulls furniture and trashes things- she started to kisk off through tiredness I think around five today, and came into the livingroom and hurled my laptop to the floor. Recently she threw something at the tv screen and has damaged it. Obviously I'm concerned she could hurt herself too.

My arm is really sore at the moment- I think I may have damaged a ligament in my elbow, quite possibly through battling with her. I'm covered in scratches and bites, and it's getting me down a bit realising that the bigger she gets the harder this is going to be.

She is autistic, with severe learning disabilities. No speech, still in nappies- just adding this for background.

How do other parents with these issues deal with it? Any advice greatly appreciated.

Hopeful bump

I wish I knew...J goes through horribly violent periods too, and you have my sympathies.

J's psychiatrist has suggested a few things which may or may not help depending on J's mood. They've helped improve things though.

1. Identify the triggers for the rage and either eliminate them or build up tolerance to the triggers if they're things that have to happen e.g. bedtime/ mealtime

2. As far as possible, ignore the rage unless danger to self, others or property is likely (which is pretty much always here, so that got ruled out)

3. Agree/ establish a calming down routine e.g. trampoline/ calm place/ an actual Safespace if social services will fund it - it is rare but has been known.

4. If worst comes to worst here, I have to restrain him (though won't be able to for much longer) and, as nobody will teach me to do it safely, we both sit (with him right in front of me) facing away from a wall/ sofa, on the floor, with my legs loosely over his and my hands covering his wrists. It can take a while, but he does eventually calm. Need a cushion or something in between his head and my chest though, or the reverse headbutts really hurt my boobs!

5. Medication...not gone there yet apart from the ADHD meds and I know there's not a specific one for autism or he would probably be on it, but there are medications which do help with violence and are worth trying if the situation's awful.

Good luck. Tis crap, isn't it. x

How old is she bitoffun? I think some meds can definitely help calm the child down, particularly if used at the "bad" time of day. Is there any "punishment" she would hate that would work to snap her out of it, eg with my son it was a hairwash, but we started when he was a lot smaller?

Aw, thanks for replying- I was worried nobody would! She is nine now, sorry if I missed that out. I am not with her dad, but he claims to be able to manage her with his voice alone , and as he works in Child Mental Health, considers himself an expert...again, . He is very vociferouusly against the idea of medication, which is very frustrating for me, but as he also has parental responsibility I don't feel I can fight him on this. I am a bit worried he will be able to paint me as an inadequate parent to Social Services too, given his connections.

The Safe Space idea is being looked into by SS for her, it looks like it will happen, but as you know, these things take time.

WRT punishments, I don't really see that working, and am a bit reluctant to go down that route, as her meltdowns don't seem naughty as such, just an explosion of being overwhelmed IYSWIM. I am quite amused by the idea of maybe squirting her with a water pistol or something- that might stop her in her tracks Probably not ethical though...

Thanks again for replying, and again, if you have anything else to share or if anyone else wants to chip in, please feel free.

Blimey BoF. Sympathy, lots of. How is she with music? Could you maybe kick-off a change of mood with that? Or is she not open to it?

Hi my son is very similar and I have to be honest but iv'e started leaving him, that way he only hurts himself. As for damage to furniture etc they are all easily replaced.
I am also not physically capable of restraining him and he works with 2 male members of a behaviour team for that reason. Maybe you could seek help from your local behaviour team. If not try
www.thecbf.org.uk/
HTH x

Bitoffun - my ds is tall for his age, I have started to worry about the same thing
How will I cope as he gets bigger.

Ds is verbal so he can be reasoned with - but as he is verbal he can also argue back.
I get cross far too easily (bad I know)
When he rages I worry for his sisters safety

A safespace is a fantastic idea - I sincerely hope you can get that sorted

I agree with givememoresleep - being taught techniques for dealing with this would really help - ATM I do what she describes no 4

Does anyone know of links to pictures of safespaces to give ignorant me an idea of what they are like - they sound expensive!

You are describing my DS(11). He has always been violent and I remember when he was 4 and dp laughing at him hitting me saying to him 'what will you do when he is 10 and doing this?'
Most of his violence is aimed at himself or the walls so at least he isn't hurting us as much.
We try and restrain him but he is freaky strong and that gets his anxiety up.
We have considered a weighted blanket to help with sleep problems but they can be used to calm down as well.

You are not an inadequate parent so don't let your exp tell you so. He only claims to control her by voice he is probably as overwhelmed as you are.

Ignore my plea, I have now found thissafe spaces

www.safespaces.co.uk/
Hope that works

BoF

DS2 is 11 and too big for me as well. Best thing we did was look for the triggers. a lot was overload a lot was from being tired ( sleep wasn't great). andwe get a complete nightmarehappening when his routine is disturbed.

seeing as your having a safe area looked into.. the only things I can suggest really is try and see the triggers before they get too much and try and use what ever she responds to to let out a bit of steam at a time. ( much easier said than done!).

We find that DS2 happens to calm down if he can sit alone and absorb himself into an audio story. he will also go and use his tactile bag.. and find something to fidget/ pummel (sp) with in there.

I can occasionally sit on the floor with him , put my arms around him and rock and hum (I know that sounds totally mad.. and i'm practised through error in notletting my head get in the way of the back of his)..

We have a weighted lap dog which can also be used around the shoulders (he can't use a weighted blanket due to heart condition). But you have to get to him to get this to work. Stomping feet and pushing the wall are other good things and wetry to gethim to do this regularly through the day to try eliminating some of the meltdowns. A backpack with bottles of water carried in is also another good one. However when a meltdown occurs it's hard to carry out these tactics. I think the blankets, although heavy would be good to throw over the child as you won't miss!!! lol HTH x

Oh god, thankyou all so much- it really is just nice to be able to sound off about this here too. I am feeling a bit wobbly about it all tonight. I'm sure wine will help- and I'll look into the weighted blanket idea, I hadn't heard of those. DP did suggest I get myself some of that specialist clothing that police dog-handlers wear

I'm going to call the social worker tomorrow from work too I think, see if there is some restraint training I can do. I can spot the triggers- I am going to make a concerted effort to get her to her room if I feel it brewing too, rather than wait for the inevitable. Sorry for all of you going through this too- not easy, eh?

Bof firstly can I say I wanted to do not at the begining of my post.. was on Dh's pc with the dodgey keyboard.. now back on mine.

It's so easy when you see the brewing up stage to think ' oh no I know what going to happen now' .. and then it does.. sort of self prophecy (sp). It's a big effort to be on the look out all the time for them too, and sometimes you just don't know what has happened because , in our case ds2 can come out of school or back from his dad's all triggers hit and flying!

But it's the trigger bit that has really changed our lives ( can't put into words how much).. we were having 3/4 day melt downs and now it's down to 3/4 hours.. which is a huge achievement. and this morning we managed to head one off to a grumble of one for only an hour! ( ds2 was tired after a school trip yesterday.. something we couldn't do much about.)

Thanks for the wine! I can hear her stirring now...fingers crossed she will just drop back off.