Argh well meaning relatives.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Just been extremely upset by an email from a relative.

Am struggling with DD (3, almost definite ASD and not mild either) and she has sent me an email saying "if she was me she'd make a "firm commitment" to making DD developmentally normal so she fits in at nursery.

She basically said I shouldn't keep "putting this off"

She has worked in childcare but with NT children.

To make things worse my mum and auntie think she is an expert on childcare and so take everything she says as gospel.

Am upset and at a loss by this.

DD also has developmental delay and hypotonia too.

oh that's really awful, I am sorry. You will get lots of support here.

I'm itching to draft some crushing replies for you.

I would be at a lost too - It's like something from Kafka.

Option 1 - Send her the dx list for autism and point out the areas that fit DD

Option 2 - Pretend to take her seriously and say you know she is trying to help but comparisons with the NT children she works with are too distressing at the moment and that you don't need to reminded about your daughter's problems all the time. Ask her to tell your other family members that the best way to help is to face up to reality.

It's very hard when it is family - Mine were similar but not as bad - I think they just find the idea of a disabled child so upsetting that they will go to any lengths to invent other explanations.

Thanks,

At least I know now why my auntie has been saying the things she has...she said I was "trying to keep DD like a baby" at one point.

I did send an email but it was probably a bit defensive saying I have made a firm commitment but its not as easy as she thinks!

DHs family are just as bad,...his dad was here last week and said to me "I don't think she has autism, she is too affectionate."

DH just turned down a great job as it would have meant moving away from my family, starting to regret this now!!!

yes I was thinking that - at least you know what's being said behind your back now.

My mum and auntie help me out with childcare but I am seriously considering leaving work if we get DLA.

The worst thing is i now KNOW i will be blamed WHEN she doesnt fully fit in at mainstream nursery, because of course she won't.

(although she goes to M/S playgroup and loves it, which i thought was an achievement!)

Did she also make any suggestions as to how you achieve 'making DD developmentally normal'?

well one was "dont let her nap during the day for more than 15 mins and transfer her to a bed and she will sleep through"

DD doesnt sleep well at all, even if she doesnt nap.

she is also hyperactive and would literally run around the house all night, and wouldnt learn at all from us putting her back repeatedly in bed either.

also I must "work on getting her to dress herself".

So, I should maybe operate on DDs brain to give her the coordination and skills to do that then?

I get that kind of advice too, if thats any consolation, from family members and even professionals!

I would be tempted to reply 'wow, thank you, why didnt i think of that'!

It's hard isn't it. My relatives are also SPECTACULARLY pushy and controlling which makes it even worse.

DH has just been contacted about another job which involves relocation..could do without the hassle but am SERIOUSLY tempted.

Must be tempting!

Welcome to the world of invisible disabilities . They look "normal" so therefore they should just act "normal" .
Doesn't help when you are dealing with an ASD (or similar) child, it really doesn't.
Anyway, a few unmumsnetty {{hugs}}

Brio.

thanks! hugs much appreciated and needed!!

Why didnt you say you needed one, jumps on the hugging band wagon, {group hug}

Thanks! The more the merrier! Why can't the relatives offer hugs, chocolate/wine and babysitting instead of offering us kicks up the backside we don't need!

Fanjo would the job(s) DH is looking at move you out the the LA your in?

Maybe other SN Mum's on here can tell you what provision/services are like in the possible new LA's??

It would. He already said no to them though, thinking it would be too much to relocate (we had already made that decision and I hadnt told him yet I was tempted).

Provision couldn't be worse than here...1 visit a week by a SALT who is unable to interact with DD and a visit once a week by a nursery nurse/autism development worker who just shows DD new toys and tickles her basically.

Bummer tho if you could bear the relocation hassle?!

Would it be worth dropping the companies a line saying due to a change he is available, it might mean nothing but if he was their #1 candidate and they have yet to find someone else he might have a chance?

The one he turned down was quite near (although he'd have to relocate) and are still advertising offering £10k more than they offered him...will seriously have to consider it!

Sounds positive.

Off topic but am in Geneva at the moment and one of the supermarkets has a shower gel make called "Fanjo" !!!

that is so cool!