Just acted like a fool in front of social worker

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

He came today to assess us for respite.

DH hadn't been at last meeting.

I am pretty low at the moment and finding it hard to cope some days (DD is 3 and undergoing ASD diagnosis although it's pretty certain).

He asked DH if we needed respite and he said "not really." He also said that I had said I couldn't remember when I had last slept and DH said "we got four nights right through"..I got upset and said "I wasn't lying, I wasn't lying" of course looking like i WAS, and had a go at DH saying he didn't have to deal with it all.

I'm sure he has seen it all before but I am just a bit mortified. It takes a lot for me to even post I am upset on HERE anonymously so that was pretty hard.

Hello Fanjo, Just read your posts. I think you are an incredibly strong wonderful person to be able to rise above all the crap flung in your direction and march on with life.
However, going back to the original post, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help and support. It is not viewed as weakness.
Also reckon you need to have a quiet word in DH's ear as he is being far from supportive.He perhaps needs you to tell him exactly how under pressure you are.

thank you
He knows i am under pressure, acts supportive (and criticises my mum for not being supportive) but then if i get really upset i get called useless and mad always. So i suppose he must think it at least a little. Not sure how to forgive him this time.

and the useless bit is especially cruel as i have several health issues and have had bad pnd,so probably AM more useless than some, and he knows i can't help it.

Have you spoken to anyone re PND? If you have health issues this is all the more reason for you to seek help with your physical and mental wellbeing.

It sounds to me like DH may not know how to cope and is lashing out a wee bit when he feels under pressure. Unfortunately he is being personal. If you are angry with him you need to let him know why so he can make an effort to change his attitude.

fanjo only just seen this thread but i want to say you are in no way useless it it's cruel and un supportive of the people around you to not support you at such a time

i too flet the same at one stage but realised it was not the case it was the people around me making me feel that way i stopped seeking support from people that couldn't see past there own arses mn was huge relief and support and the only place i could open up for along time made me realise it wasnt me many people feel the same doesnt make us failures makes us human

so remember your doing great job its bloody hard but we do it because we have to we have no choice so dont let the people around you make you feel you are wrong your not your being a great mum and your doing what many others simply couldnt hense the sympathetic looks from others etc

if you need to talk just come on here and do so we all understand ds was dx 2 yrs ago nearly and so much has changed in that time but the support on the outside hasn't ive learnt to not expect others to understand and to just speak to people that do

big hugs to you sorry i have not been on mn for a long time had lots of issues this end but will be back to support more now

Thanks bubbla. Your ds does seem to be doing amazingly well.

I hope the issues are sorted out now.

can't comment more on a public board, but put it this way, you are sadly far from alone with the childhood stuff. families can be a right bugger at times. and it is an enormously stressful time going through the whole asd/language delay process, coming up to age 3 the shit hits the fan when the professionals finally take it seriously. from your posts you sound like you are doing marvellously, it can feel quite wretched at times going through the pre-schooler with SN experience.

Yes the fan is very brown at the moment..still looking into why she had such a huge and late regression too, so it's been extra hard.

Thanks loads.

fanjo ds is doing good at moment but from the age of 2to 3 half was huge and scary for me very hard work it wasnt until we got dx and melatonin came our way that things improved sleep deprivation and child that wont leave the house was not good mix lol

now he is still him but able to cope better with support it does get easier but you have to ride the bumps many times before they start to become smooth your not alone if you need advise or just someone to talk too were all here

i found ds got worse the older he got with lack iof sleep i don't know how your dd sleeps but ds was terrible and i couldn't do anything with him we lived in darkness he spent most of the time in his room couldn't handle noises outside darkness was all curtains had to be kept closed wouldn't talk we got melatonin and he started sleeping and his a different boy now

Thanks..we are still waiting for referral to communication clinic where they do the formal diagnosis so am hoping they will offer us melatonin. My friend who is a hv said that they might not as she doesn't have trouble GOING to sleep but just wakes frequently, so it might not help her, though.

DH just got up and is trying to talk to me and be nice and I just can't bring myself to talk to him even.

dont have to be nice but ask him nicely to do things to help you rather than ignore him then maybe he can show some support that way and you don't have to do it all alone use it to your benefit lol thats what i do

i do know others who have been given melatonin for frequent waking it kept them sleeping longer and less waking in night fingers crossed i made sure i told them how i couldnt tolerate as much sleep deprived and how ds couldnt also he used to settle well then the older he got he wasnt settling at all

yes, he is good at helping with physical stuff and usually the emotional stuff, just every so often calls me useless and mad.

Will definitely push for the melatonin, that is very promising. I think a lot of her symptoms (restlessness and hyperactivity) would be better with better sleep.

i found that ds was so different with sleep tolerance to the world was better

dp goes through similar times of calling me names its so easy to take it out on operson closest the one thing he knows he can hurt you by is that as its an issue thats clearly been ongoing

i would personally take him to one side and say we get angry and take things out on each other which is normal but you ever call me mad or useless again then thats it i need your support not your put downs

dp used to do this to me and i did that talk and if he ever went to say it i gave him that look and he stopped some people dont think they throw it out then regret it after

do you get much quality time together? we dont really get much quality time but do try for at least once a month a meal together

Well we are supposed to be going out tonight, but DD has come down with a horrible cold so not sure if we can both go now. Otherwise we don't get much time together really, we are ships that pass in the night. he is off to work again now.

sounds the same as me and dp he works long hours sometimes away i parent and do all the rest rarely get quality time together at all i hope dd feels better ds has just got over bug and ear infection

Thanks, she has just got over bug and ear infection too, now this grr

I think the fact that you and DH disagreed in front of the Soc Worker should make him realise more than anything that you need some support. I don't know what I would do if my DH did that, I too usually brief him if he is going to be around or come to meetings, but also he needs to understand that you might be behaving "mad" because you are struggling to cope. When will you hear from the Soc Worker next? Is it possible to have another conversation with him before he makes any recommendations and say I wanted to talk to you again? I emailed mine once, straight after she'd been round, to say that what she had seen was not representative and things are much worse. I'd let both kids run amok while I spoke to her but all she saw was a calm home with a happy mother who then found chaos once she'd left, started shouting, crying etc! I wouldn't hesitate if you can contact him easily and feel comfortable about what to say, use what you have put here as a basis. And CRY on the phone if you feel like it!

Thanks.

I think the sw realised when he saw me get upset by DH, he was very sympathetic.

I think I probably behaved a bit "mad" in front of the sw. Yesterday was one of these totally exhausted end of tether days. DD was getting sick and just being a real handful.

Which makes me worry they will take DD away if I can't cope. It should just mean they give me support though.

They won't take her away! They are directed to do everything possible to keep people in their own home and to provide any and all support to do so if the alternative is a residential placement. Believe me, I know as I had to battle for a residential placement and you REALLY have to make a case. Often support isn't forthcoming as the alternative is not them forking out for residential, but letting the family (mum) do all the work for no pay, but that's another issue!

Thanks, I know that is the case really, I am just a bit paranoid

hope your feeling much better now xx

Thanks, well i am still having a rough time, had hospital appt yesterday where I was told I would need a hysterectomy, was offered one in Feb/March but had to tell them I just couldn't deal with it at the moment at all. Strangely that has been pushed to back of mind although it was a big stress before DD's issues became apparent.

Then came home to find DD had been sick everywhere, she has another bug and inlaws had arrived for the week early, so it was all a bit much, DD was up coughing in the night too.

Am super-tired but still woke at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep!!

Hope you are OK.

oh no sorry to hear that hope you are ok?

hope dd feels better soon also x

still recovering from colds this end but ok thank you