I am convinced my DB (34) has Asperger. How can I help him help himself? LONG

[PincoPallino]

I have name changed only to protect his identity but I am a regular poster.

Since reading an article on a national newspaper years ago I have become convinced that my brother suffers from Asperger. I have since bought and read a few books and he fits the description. I also suspects that there might be other issues, as often are, but I would not dare make any more diagnosis myself.
I have spoken with my mum about it at length and she kind of agrees (she is the one dealing with him an a regular basis and it is a bit of a strain) although it pains her so because of the reality of it and what the future holds and because she could have helped him in the past had she known.
My father on the other hand got very angry when I mentioned it to him and I think it is because he himself might suffer too albeit in a much more functioning form (apologies for incorrect terminology). He seems to suffer for some kind of Paranoic disorder so not the best person to talk about such issue.

I was very happy that we could 'put him in a box' mainly because his 'strange' behaviour could be explained and because we could find tools to help him and learn ourseves how to deal with him in a more positive way.

The country in which my DB lives is not so geared up for Asperger as the UK and in small towns there's virtually nothing.

He has been to a psychologist before and was a disaster.

I have given a book to him because he is the first one to realise he is different, thinks and processes things differently and the one that always tries to come up with solutions on how to cope in 'our' world. This on a good day.
He has not commented on them and I suspect he might not have even read them.

It is abvious to all of us now that he is incapable of taking care of himself long term. I do not live close to them and feel guilty when I hear how isolated he is, how dependant on and what a burden/worry for my mother he is.

Any thoughts from any of you who have experiences of Aspergers in adults in general and especially those that have never been professinally disgnosed is very welcomed.

Anything to help us all out.

TIA

I am sorry for typos and grammar and everything else but it's always a rush.

Bumping it for you, as I guess Fridays are slowly.

Hi,
I think you've made the first important steps. You've recognised your brother's difficulties and discussed it with your mum. Your brother obviously knows he is different and hopefully he will read the book and begin to understand his difficulties. A diagnosis isn't necessary and may not be particularly helpful, especially if the community/country isn't geared up for autism.
There are lots of websites now which offer support and your brother might benefit from this. Try the NAS (www.nas.org.uk) for a start.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome 6 years ago (at the age of 39). The diagnosis helped me to understand my own difficulties. I now run my own autism consultancy so please feel free to PM me if you want to ask any questions.

Your father and your brother sound just like my father who is now 80. He was the oddball, the eccentric, commited every kind of social faux pas, lost his career and family and struggled all his life. He never understood people and they certainly never understood him. He lives as an elderly recluse because he can't socialise - he finds small-talk impossible ("trite and irrelevant yet the hardest thing to do without offending someone") and is only comfortable talking about the work of Hawkings or concepts of christianity. He admits he gets days he can't cope, his bad days, and every time he thinks he's beaten "it" the "it" comes back (his words, "it" being terrible anxiety). It wasn't that long ago he researched aspergers after I suggested he read up about it, and when he did he had a eureka moment. It's given him answers and has really helped him. It's helped me too as I have a better understanding of him. I have to say that I am immensely proud of him. He has a fantastic intellect, an original perspective, and is utterly unique.
My dad may not have been ready to recognise himself as apergers years ago, and probably never had the chance because no-one tried to help him or tried to look beneath the surface and ask "why?".
Your brother is a very lucky man to have you and your mum to care and stand by him. x

Hi, I know a bit about AS and dx- as wella s having a ds1 with it, a ds3with ASD and many members of family with traits (inc. grandad ,mum and myself) I have just completed the DX module of an MA in ASD.

First of all, hugs- it'sscary when you are worried about someone you love and struggling to help them.

Even in the UK, it can be ahrd for adults to get a dx of AS; it depends on where you live- some counties have nothing, others quite a good service. However, themost poignant and perhaps relevant thing I can think to tell you,from someone who runs the adult dx clinic at the local hospital (a cons. Psych) out of interest as opposed topaid contract, is that people have to be at the bottom before they start to seek the answers. it's only when a realdifficulty with something they want presnts itself that they can open their mind to consider AS.

And when they do- the results are not guaranteed. For some it is a real watershed, the answers they need and the moment they can truly say this is me; othes- not so. When I relaised I coulod be dx'd should I choose, I went through a really rough time and was very low. I am nto sure you can predict which way someone will go tbh.

Estelle McCabe has a good rep as a writer,as does Tony Attwood , Lorna Wing and Donna Williams but this is the book that 'spoke' to me.

You have three options really:

accept his As and make it a fait accomplit-start sentences with 'well someone with AS would...' etc; come to the realisation that he isn't ready or able to take it on board and leave it; as previous but handle him as you would someone with AS at every stage and learn about how to talk without causing problems with literal speech, understanding and ddealing with quirks (and worse- the idea that someone with AS only has quirks is sadly oftenmisguided); or persuade him to locate and seek a dx. That might be ahrd, of course.

if there'sanything I can helpwith pleasefeelfreeto CAT me- it might take timetoask people at Uni but I can try and help. If not, good luck.