Thanks Lou and TC . That is the thing, it doesn't have to be a disaster or the end, rather it is a new beginning. Of course it is very dependent on getting a place at somewhere that works and is the right placement. I describe our situation as a success, not a failure.
I remember several years ago, just the thought of DS going somewhere residential would make me cry and I clearly remember vowing that we would never do it. I wonder if I felt so strongly because underneath it all I knew it was actually something of a strong possibility for us? I felt the same about medication until it became clear that it might be the only way he could stay at home and I do believe that it delayed him going to residential. That would have meant him going away at about 9 years old instead of 12.5 years.
Of course it isn't all plain sailing. Contact with the school needs more planning and is less spontaneous. At the moment we get 2 phone calls home each week, one a webcam, photocopies of school/residential book, photocopies of eating diary, toilet diary, sleep diary. I can phone or email staff any time and I always try to go to parents' meetings and have become Secretary of the PSA as I thought it would help me with contact and familiarity.
When DS comes home we have to adjust a lot in practical terms - locking doors, buying lots of his favourite food and snacks, getting on top of the bedding washing cycle etc - it makes day-to-day life harder work but most of it is hardly a big ask and we have got quite good at all of that now. It is also a big adjustment for us and DD when he comes home as far as what we can do, where we can go, DD not having friends round etc but, as I said before, we enjoy having him here and I can manage the exhaustion as I know it isn't forever. I have also lost a bit of the "power" I used to have over him but I'm not sure if this is because he is away from me or because he is 14! In fact, he is home this week for Half Term and my "power" seems to have returned (for now!). I have a long term illness myself and I dread to think how years and years into the future of having him at home would have affected me although, like most people, I've always managed and it hasn't killed me and as far as I'm concerned its my job iyswim. But I am MUCH better in myself healthwise and psychologically and I have nothing but love and patience for DS whereas in the past I regularly lost it badly with him, got upset, felt helpless etc. I won't go into the details of the total disasterous phase we had that led to the serious seeking of a residential place but I'm sure most of you can imagine. Well meaning but tactless people (we all know the sort!) sometimes say how great it must be for me to be able to do what I want, have a break etc etc. GRRRR, no-one wants their child, especially with SN, not to be able to live at home happily and places aren't funded because "mum's a bit tired". Its a tough decision, hard to find somewhere you are happy with and get a place, tedious to sort out the funding and sometimes heartbreaking to think how things could have been. But if it is the best option, then no-one should let you think you're doing it for YOUR benefit, or because you can't be bothered anymore or because you want an easy life.
The other side benefit is that DS is now in the system good and proper. Soc Svs have LEGAL responsibilities towards him, they must visit him every 2 months and hold Reviews every 6 months (?I think) which I find very useful. DS is classified as LAC (looked after child) which is modern PC speak for "in care". Horrifying when you first hear it but I feel it gives us a lot of protection while we retain Parental Responsibility. And when it comes to him leaving school I feel we will be better placed for his adulthood. Not that this is a reason for seeking a residential placement, but it something no-one tells you about until you find out for yourself.