arrggh arrragh arrgh

[sadminster]

raining, no car, no money, don't want my life

DD1 (home educated from birth) is going off to school in September, only because ds needs so much time. I don't want her to go, schools here are crap apart from anything else & it certainly wasn't what we planned. But she'll be okay, he won't, I'll miss her

DD2 has cried more in her 3 month life than the other two did combined in a year - I have never left my babies to cry but she gets dumped in the cot, the pram, the bouncy chair & left ... because I'm trying to engage ds. She has awful reflux & needs gaviscon but it takes 45 minutes for me to get it into her on my own (& I'm always on my own) - I can't leave ds for that long so she doesn't get her medicine & is in pain.

DS is divine ... he's funny & beautiful & when he engages with you it is just fabulous. He is such fucking hard work ... he's irritable, controlling, non compliant, gives the appearance of understanding nothing (or at least not giving a toss about anything we say). If everything is done on his terms it's great ... if he's challenged in anyway he'll do anything to avoid us/the situation/co-operating. He has made progress over the last two months but it's small & the amount of extra it has required (at the expense of everyone & everything else in our lives) means that it is totally depressing.

I want to spend some time with my dds & dh but if I'm not doing stuff with ds the guilt/fear in huge. Today I've just had enough - they've watched 2 hours of TV & now are messing around - ds is being his usual silent self. I don't feel angry or resentful but I'm bloody tired & it is hard to be the one who does everything all the time

I was about to say dont be so hard on yourself! But it seems to be part of sn parenting. I only have one child ( he sounds like your ds!) so feel inadiquate to answer but wonder if there is some support you could get depending on your childrens needs. Can you get support from HOmeStart or could children school and families give direct payments to help pay another to interact with ds while you enjoy the dds?
Serious illness has made me take stock and realise I cannot do it all ( and yes I know what you mean about feeling like I am the one to do it all - and I only have 1). Tv / DVDS helps ds relax so OK. It helps him learn to sit listen and concentrate ( very unnatural for him) and gives him a window into worlds I cannot show him ( meercats and Ray Mears!) and stimulates interests and conversations - though I realise yours are younger. I considered HE too but knew I could not survive.

Anyway have a hug!(())

Thanks Magso, we get an hour portage a week, that's it. DS isn't diagnosed, except language delay & we won't see anyone else until the end of October. The only advice we've had is to put him in nursery - with no extra help at all, obviously that wouldn't be good for him.

I put videos on because it makes life seem a bit more normal - ds gets excited, points things out to me & talks a bit - makes a change from the silence & blank looks. I'm a soggy mess today hump

I really do feel for you! Those early years without a helpful diagnosis, conflicting advise,worrying and trying to be everything ( you know -therapist advocate researcher teacher doctor claivoyant!) were very hard ( and thats just ds).
Do you have a Homestart in your area. It might be worth making enquiries.
Actually I found little by little tv and dvds ( that I was so against in the early years ) did help - I think he trully is a visual learner. The repetition helped too as he could slowly make sense of it. A lot of his early sentances came straight out of disney or land before time! But whatever is good for you is good for the dcs.
In theory nurserys are supposed to pick up on additional needs and apply for funding to give suitable support. Some are very good at this - others well not and they seem to vary in their approach. Ds coped well with a regular routine - so I chose one with experience in sn and a regular routine - although it took a while.
Anyway bumping for others Take care!