Scene: An office in Westminster. A faceless minister is sitting at his desk. A faceless flunky is bringing the tea in.
FM: "Aah! Tea. Darjeeling, I trust."
FF: "It is possible Sir."
FM: "Possible you say? Can't say I like the sound of doubt. When a chap can't ascertain whether the tea is Darjeeling or not, well, it raises doubts. ... By Jove Carruthers, this is an abomination! What exactly is this foul mixture? Are you trying to poison me, eh?"
FF: "Sorry Sir. It's the local supermarket's value range Sir. Budget constraints, Sir, you understand. After the, er, little misunderstanding over your expenses, public opinion is a little rankled sir."
FM: "A little rankled?"
FF: "Yes, Sir, Mildly perturbed you might say Sir. So in order to maintain a diplomatic balance and soothe this mild perturbing, it was felt better to cut costs in some areas."
FM: "Aah, now you're talking Carruthers! Cost cutting! Most important to get this country back on its feet, wouldn't you say? But I draw the line at my Darjeeling. If a chap can't have his moat cleaned and can't stay at the top hotels at the tax payers expense, then he expects to at least get some decent tea. Now, given that we need to cut costs, well, not us, but this country as a whole and given that if I come up with something worthy of a few soundbites it will please the PM, what do you think we could suggest to him, eh Carruthers?
FF: "It could be suggested that if the banks are in a position to paying out top bonuses they are in a position to paying back some of the large sums of money the government handed to them."
FM: "Oh no, that won't do. Wilberforce of whatsit bank won't stand for that. He was in the First Eleven you know."
FF: "Which one Sir?"
FM: "How the blazes should I know? He was in the First Eleven and that's good enough for me. No money saved via the banks therefore. Alright then, there must be some other way?"
FF: "Well, there's the National Register and ID cards. You could suggest that is scrapped and therefore save billions of pounds."
FM: "Aah, that might work. Let me think, let me think. No, no, it just won't do at all Carruthers."
FF: "Really Sir?"
FM: "Henrikson happens to be working on the contracts for that little endeavour. Of course, he was only a reserve, but even so, even so .."
FF: "Quite Sir."
FM: "Aah, the telephone. One moment Carruthers please. Hello, hello, well, why doesn't he just come up? The lifts broken you say? Then damn it, can't the fellow just use his legs? Aah, he's in a wheelchair is he? Well tell him to walk just this once. Not possible is it? Right, well I'm rather busy at the moment, put him in the back office, ask whoever's looking after him if he takes sugar and I'll be down shortly.
Now, Carruthers, where were we?"
FF: "Cutting costs Sir."
FM: "Of course, of course. Dashed chap downstairs put me off my stride. Disabled you know. At least that's what he claims. I may tell you, Carruthers, half the time a person's simply only to have a splinter and they're claiming all the benefits they can."
FF: "Sit, the claims forms are very thorough."
FM: "Not according to the papers they aren't. Hmm, saying that though, an idea has just occurred to me. Eureka! We'll suggest they scrap disability benefits."
FF: "But won't that cause an almighty fuss, Sir. You know, if the public find out that children with disabilities for example no longer have the money, then that won't sit well with them."
FM: "You may have a point then. Best to suggest to the PM that he doesn't coincide the release of the news with Children in Need. However, there may be a better way."
FF: "Sir?"
FM: "We shall suggest that all the money available gets handed over to Social Services who pass it out in the forms of grants in the manner they see fit."
FF: "But surely, Sir, that will just mean that people will still get the money, so how can that help to reduce costs?"
FM: "But that's the sheer beauty of it Carruthers. How many people do you think are going to have the time or the morale to quantify every little aspect of where their DLA goes on? When faced with a form for explaining all the little things and all the big things they need, they'll simply give up nine times out of ten. And if they don't, if they do decide to proceed, well I know that if we suggest that there's some strict rules according to how the grants are issued, that'll whittle down the claimants."
FF: "Sir, I would advise caution."
FM: "Put a bit of spin on it you mean, eh? Good idea, Carruthers. I know, we'll get Horace to encourage the papers to print a few stories about wrongful claimants. You know the sort, world disco champion claiming for full paralysis. Also do some reports on how parents are failing to bring children up properly, you know, accounts of four year olds still shockingly in nappies when starting school, that sort of thing."
FF: "Very well, Sir."
FM: "Well, there's no time like the present. Priorities first, go and give this foul cup to that man downstairs. I daresay he won't be able to tell the differerence. You can get some Darjeeling for me as well. And then we'll get started on this disability benefits recommendation. Yes, Carruthers?"
FF: "Sir?"
FM: "Well, go on then!"
FF: "My name isn't Carruthers Sir?"
FM: By Jove? It isn't?"
FF: "No Sir. It's Murgatroyd Sir."
FM: "Well, Marplethorpe, off you go and get my Darjeeling."