AIBU to wish that my mum was more like his psychiatrist?

[daisy5678]

My mum's a bit crap. Not nasty, not abusive, but very very selfish and emotionally manipulative, probably neglectful in many ways, to me and my siblings (let my brother get regularly beaten up by stepdad but not me and my sister). I moved out when very young and didn't see her or speak to her for ages. My sister got stuck as the last one at home and is quite fucked up by it all - her borderline personality disorder apparently has links to maternal crapness (or whatever the scientific term is ) and she's got added anger at my mum because of that.

Through all this stuff with J, Mum's tried to be helpful but it's all about her and how scary/ hard/ challenging/ lovely she finds him. Anything I find hard is met with a 'yes, I found it hard being a single parent - at least you earn lots of money' (I'm only a teacher, btw, not exactly raking it in as a banker!) or my favourite: 'well, you've made your bed - I told you that you should have had an abortion'

So, I haven't really had the best of parenting and always swore that I wouldn't be like her - and I'm not. J always comes first and that will always be true. But it would be really nice to have that maternal support that other people that I know have. I realised this today when talking to J's psychiatrist.

She's seeing me without J every few weeks to talk about his behaviour and different ways to manage it. It's the most helpful stuff I've had to help me with J, as I realise things as I'm talking and then she makes comments and suggestions about how to do it differently if necessary. She's very supportive of what I'm doing but also challenges/ criticises if necessary, and I'm realising that J's pushing of the boundaries is largely caused by my constant creation of boundaries and being a little too controlling .

As I was sitting there today, I thought that this sort of support is the type that a lot of people get from their mums and I wish my mum could support me like that. I know this sounds a bit whingy, but I do wonder if I'd be a better mum if I'd had one myself or is everyone a mum of their own making?

at me getting all philisophical!

I did feel bad later for thinking nasty things about my mum, but the abortion comment makes me fume every time I think of it.

My mum is brilliant, but she lives in the US and I haven't seen her for three years now (none of us can afford the travel!) and so I have to muddle through on my own, too (or, not on my own, because I have a DH, but you know what I mean). However, I think it does HELP if you had a good role model. Your mum sounds, as you say, a bit crap!
However, I'm struck by what you are saying about J pushing boundaries because you create too many and I'm thinking that might be what I'm doing with DD!!
So thanks for posting, 'cause you've given me something to think about...

My mission is to teach J (whose every move is about 'winning' or 'being in charge') that he is not in control, and that adults are. But the psych says I need to find opportunities for dropping MY control so that he's not having to fight against me. It does make sense. Is dd the same?

I think it certainly helps if you have a positive relationship with a parent to influence and support your parenting style.

My parents both died before I was 30 but they were excessively strict and miserable and I had a poor relationship with both.

However, I am aware of that and had long since grown up and moved on. I didn't feel any bitterness about it or them, just sadness that circumstances made them lead miserable lives and that they took it out on us.

So, I suppose what I'm saying is that perhaps knowing that parenting can affect you for good or bad actually gives you a better insight into yourself and the nature of your impact on your kids.

I am always surprised by people who feel they have nothing to do with the way their kids develop as if they are born programmed.

So I suppose I think that having good insight into your own development is perhaps more important than having a positive relationship with a parent. If that makes sense - she says thinking out loud!

I'm adopted and had a great relationship with my Dad who died when I was 22.

I have always had a poor relationship with my Mum who wasn't a good mother to say the least. I do feel lucky to have had positive role models like my Dad and Grandma and I try every day to cherish and love my girls in a way that my Mum didn't/doesn't.

I agree with Debs that having insight is the most important thing and letting go of the past.

Sorry your mother and step-dad sound to have been such dreadful parents. I wonder though whether the mother issue is almost incidental, that it's part of a relationship with a good psychiatrist/psychologist that you feel they completely understand what's troubling you in a way you wish real life people would? Possibly a form of transference? (am basing this on my own experience with CBT guy I saw when I was struggling with OCD when PG)