I did a terrible thing - need help reprogramming DS

[hereidrawtheline]

I am just so beyond gutted right now. This morning was typically bad getting DS ready for school, having to comb his hair etc. I got him to let me make the comb super wet and this in the end worked. Then dressing him I was getting annoyed because he was just totally not helping at all, not lifting a leg or arm or whatever. Then he did a poo and wouldnt let me wipe his bottom, running away screaming at me. It was just awful but normal awful.

Then I asked him to bring me his shoes. He totally ignored me. I asked him again in a sharper voice I was really annoyed by this time because the whole morning he had been making everything as difficult as it could possibly be. I shouted not to throw his shoes at me and pulled him over to me - too hard. I know he doesnt like to be pulled so I never do but I just wasnt behaving as I normally do.

Then he started punching me in the face, in the nose and on my glasses so I restrained him and said "do not hit me in the face DS! No hitting!" and he started screaming I was hurting him in the restraint which to be fair to me I dont think I was holding him hard but he is of course very sensitive to touch. So I let go and he punched me again in the eye and I just lost it I grabbed his hand and smacked the back of it.

I have never hit or smacked or anything to him before. And I really never thought I would. But I did. I smacked my own baby's hand and I just cant believe it. He was totally shocked and started really crying saying I hurt him etc and I held him and said sorry a lot and explained I had lost my temper because he hits me so much! Every day I get hit at least a dozen times, yesterday I was hit with a stick, he throws things at me. And I always respond with kindness and love I never let DH "punish" him for it because normally his own hyper sensitive guilt is enough and a time out or I ignore him for 5 mins or whatever. I love him. I always try to act 100% lovingly towards him. And I smacked him I am so angry.

How do I undo this? For one thing I have lost my normal higher ground "dont hit mama, mama doesnt hit you, does she?" for another he is going to latch on to this and make it into one of his huge things!

I'm going to call NAS and ask for advice.

Then we finally got out the door and DH had collapsed the bloody new Zapp and I dont know how to open it yet, yes I know I probably sound really stupid but I am terribly un-coordinated and not good at fiddly things so I was getting in a temper trying to open it up and phoned DH up shouting at him.

I think I am truly at my wits end. I dont mean to be sounding pitiful but I am the major giver in this family, I take care, I forgive, I make ok. And I think it has taken its toll on me. I am so ashamed of myself.

TKMaxx have TO mats in for £5

Oh you poor thing. I think you've got caught in a bit of a trap, really - because he is fixated with you, you feel you have to be always there for him ... but that sort of reinforces in his mind that you ought to be there for him, because you think it's terribly important, so it must be true. So it goes on. Does that make sense?

I think I'd abandon TO and look for a better "consequence" tbh. TO works well on NT kids, but relies on them understanding all sorts of things - value for parental attention, meaning of time, abandonment v punishment, etc. etc. DD1 would never understand any of that. TO would be utterly wasted on her.

With DD1, we do a sort of "holding" too. She bites from time to time - doesn't realise it is wrong, doesn't comprehend pain in others. Everyone else says "ow!" and then "poor dear, she doesn't understand". I immediately sit her on the floor facing the wall and hold her till she gets bored and screechy. DH thinks it's "cruel" because it's not her fault ... but she bites him, and she doesn't bite me . You have to find the consequence for your LO which deters without hurting/distressing. I've heard of people using showers or hairwashing. Maybe staying in the same room but completely ignoring him would work?

I have a 2 min sand timer I could give to him.

With the holding technique you hold facing away from you and say a firm NO HITTING then dont say anything else... til when? Sorry if I missed it before, I will reread the thread because there have been so many good suggestions here. And is that even if he is struggling and screaming and I am worrying I am hurting him just by restraining him?

You're right r3dh3d we are in a bit of a vicious circle in that he and I are so inseparable. It is lovely that we are so bonded but makes it very very hard for me to go along with things I know is really upsetting for him.

HIDTL just out of interest how does he separate from you for preschool? Happily or is it always a battle? Presumably at some point he will be increasing the number of days he does there, which might help give him a bit more independence and you a bit more space...could he say do 3 or 4 or even 5 mornings there from September?

I am not sure on the restraining thing other than to say don't get yourself too hung up about worrying you are hurting him. You can be firm without being rough. I'm sure he will be sobbing and screaming and all the rest of it - probably because he's learnt to get the response he wants that way. It is really hard, but I think you might have to accept that some of his behaviour might be down to his ability to manipulate you as much as it is to any sensory or other issues he may have.

"It is really hard, but I think you might have to accept that some of his behaviour might be down to his ability to manipulate you as much as it is to any sensory or other issues he may have."

Very true, but that doesn't mean that you haven't been a great mum . It is just difficult with children who don't respond to 'conventional' parenting techniques.

I was having the same discussion with our portage outreach worker yesterday. DD is throwing a lot lately. She said "Well of course, because whether you want to or not, it will get a rise out of you because you have to protect the other children!"

So, DD1 has worked out that there are some things I can't ignore, so that's what she does.

I had a very similar moment a few weeks ago when we were desperately late for pre-school, and both ds' were playing up and we just couldn't seem to get out of the door. I totally lost it with ds after he took his shoes off and threw them at me, striking me in the face for about the 4th time, and felt terrible afterwards. When you're stressed and then they do something which actually hurts you, it is very hard to suppress the anger that momentarily surges up (and I'm a very patient person normally.)

Please don't give yourself a hard time, we all do the absolute best we can with children who can often be frustrating and demanding, through no fault of their own or ours. I now calm ds through holding him tightly and speaking slowly and calmly, or by removing him from the situation. I've realised that any kind of angry reaction from me makes him 100 times worse.

I hope you are feeling a bit better. Make sure you take as much time as you can for yourself, I've started running, which has done wonders weight wise and stress wise..

You remove ds from the situation he is hitting in, without speaking. Then you hold him just so he can't wriggle away. Then when he starts to complain/struggle to break free, that's when you say NO HITTING. The aim is that he works out that hitting=loss of freedom and stops. It won't work overnight because nothing will. And he will probably try to test you by escalating the bahaviour at first. But maybe worth a try for a week or so.

Don't beat yourself up honey! You are only human , a little smack on his hand will soon be forgotten. You sound as if you are doing a terrific job and you seem to have a lot more patience than ...me!

now we could try starting a "sign in if you've never smacked a hand" thread hereIdraw, but I'm not sure we'd find too many people to sign in!!!

if it helps when ds was 3 he was mummy boy i would do anything possible to not see him upset wasn't consistent and then someone said to me routine is what they need and yur not being consistent your confusing him one minute its not ok then you don't react and he thinks it is ok this was just as frustrating to him

took me 2 weeks and i wanted to give in many times im glad i didnt

i moved him away from me no hitting moved him into hall away from me walked away if he came near me wouldn't look or respond for x amount of time 3 mins this was more upsetting to him he didnt have my attention because he hit me

i said say sorry for hitting me then he could come back in if he said no he stayed there he came in one day and said im sorry and we cuddled and kissed and is aid its not nice to hit mummy and continued playing he hit me again off he went

now no hitting he'll try but he sees my face and this upsets him its ok its ok he says as he doesnt want me to move him away

im pleased i did it it was hard i doubted myself felt awful im upsetting my baby my buddy but it did him good he knows its not acceptable now

doesn't mean your doing a bad job at all we have trial and error many times on trying to combat behaviour him being away from me was the most affective as he is glue to me but he realised if he was horrible he couldn't come near me, stopped it after 2 weeks but was a lot easier after 1 week it became less but was still learnt behaviour so still did this as first reaction and then now he doesnt

dont feel bad for upsetting him you arent damaging him your teaching him thats what we do all behaviour is learnt

bubbla boy would scream ive lost mummy broke my heart but i knew i was doing right for his own sake

as i said before you are a good mum but for your own well being as well as his you do have to give comfort when needing it and be consistent for bad behaviour otherwise his rewarded for being bad iyswim

but its a trying time i found 3 a hard age he was testing the boundaries and i let him get away with too much but it can still be worked on he doesnt love me any less if anything we are much closer for it as he respects and we enjoy our time now he gets alot more attention as its all positive we still have days but i feel strong enough to deal with them

Guilty as charged! I've slapped a hand or two in my time and a bottom if truth be know (will I now get arrested?)

HIDTL, give yourself and break and a round of applause. You are a star mummy who does nothign but think of your DS and his welfare etc. But you are also YOU, and as OPs have said you do not deserve to be hit/punched/hurt in anyway by anyone. He does need to learn that his behaviour is unacceptable and as others have said, it's not easy but is for his own good. If he starts hitting and lashing out at other children they will not sympathise and ignore it they will (generally at this age) retaliate.

DS1 had his best meltdowns when given time out. He knew which buttons to push and would go absolutely mental. I use to ignore him and put him back on the step if he moved. We still have the odd moment, but now I tend to get 'mummy I'm really sorry. I want to apologise' but I still don't let him off until his time is up.

It's actually a wonderful thing to realise that your child has the ability to manipulate you. Now all you've got to do is show him that you are in charge and you decide what is acceptable behaviour.

BR

bubblagirl - my DD1 says that exact phrase "I lost my mummy"!

breaks your heart doesn't it but i know i have to be strong for his own good

he does it at night as well oh mummy i thought id lost you bless him

Strange DS says the exact same thing. He says "I lost you Mama!" and tonight he was in TO crying "I love you Mama! I lost you Mama!"

In his sleep a few nights ago (in my bed) he had a night terror & he was talking but not awake and he said "Mama Mama where are you, you have to touch my skin Mama" poor baby.

Thank you all so so so much for talking to me so brilliantly today. I felt like a total ogre and you have made me see I am not and reaffirmed for me that I am a truly fantastic mother

I am shattered now. I have been working non stop since 3:30, firstly on a piece for my Indy blog on Bertrand Russell - I finished it! It's up! Two of my pieces are at the moment linked to on the Independent homepage! And then a couple of hours working on DH's birthday pressie which I can say here because he knows not to check, is me reading aloud a book & recording it on MP3 format so he can listen to it as he hasnt got time to read but he wants to read this book which is not available on audio format. So I am really self congratulatory right now, with the writing, the homepage, the reading, and the comfort from you lot!

Oh and for the record DS has been lovely to me today and we are as close as ever. He did say when he got home from school after I apologised to him once more, "its ok Mama I havent got a red mark on my hand anymore" which makes it sound terrible but really it is just his attention to detail it was red for a minute. Still I did feel mean.

wow you have worked hard where you find the time to write and record a book id like to know

im glad you and ds had nice time today just remember to come down bit harder when it comes to hitting he will love and respect you for it

ds is ay clingy stage again keeps wanting to sleep in my bed but his having to go straight to bed on the little bed next to my bed as he wants to be with me i thought i lost you when i went to the loo lol

maybe try and separate soon of the night time so his in same room as you but not in bed with you so he isn't as dependant on you 24/7 its so wearing i really struggle with it and was advised to get him out of my bed to start separating can be in same room just not stuck to me

its hard as you get used to and kind of want them there but its better for them to know they can stay in same room just not snuggled up with you ds has night time separation anxiety but copes really well now

not trying to be bossy or tell you what to do lol but this was the age i was told its best to start ready for when they start school they are bit more independent and so are we

again well done for all your hard work you ahve done you sound such a thoughtful caring person make time to do something for you soon xx

as i said before if i was nearer i would drag you out for drinks have a few glasses of wine

Ah yes, the supportive feeling on mumsnet. It's very nice until you accidentally upset someone on the board and have to explain to your husband that your are in floods of tears because your post on an anonymous forum has been misinterpreted.

re the pressie. Cor, that is impressive.

oh lingle I so know what you mean. Been there, done that. DH really is not keen on me using MN because its a time waster and I've been so upset in the past. Hope that hasnt happened with you recently?

I am so tired and have a migraine. But DH loves his present!!! Wont be around much today as we are doing bday things but I am sitting still to let the migraine pass atm.

Back in February DH was pretty worried about my mumsnetting but has come round to it and listens intently to distilled versions of the conversations about Greenspan etc.

Oh, and the fact that one of us has turned out to be someone DH knows in real life makes it a little harder for him to look down loftily IYSWIM.

ouch, I can see how that is a problem. I have been worrying about this somewhat too, I know some mums in the village who I am not really friends with know who I am on MN.

Oh no it's not a problem! . It's a good thing. It just means I (i)can't fabricate details of my life without namechanging or (ii) post any details about marital problems!!!