Why do well meaning people always think that emotional & behavioural problems are caused by the mother

[HappyFamilies]

I'm looking for tea and sympathy while I rant. I'll provide the tea and rant - you guys provide the sympathy and stories to make me feel not so alone.

ds1 (4) has had behavioural and emotional problems for about a year. It peaked about 3 2months ago where he would be tantruming 20-30 times a day, even in his sleep and be violent towards me or his younger brother about 5 times a day - but literally every opportunity he got. A lot of his behaviour indicated ASD. He was a child in real emotional distress. I went via HV for referal and have now been waiting for 4 months.

In the mean time I've done loads of research, reading and found some local support. I now have a special dressing routine for him, sensory toys to help him chill, a gate on his room so he has his own space (from ds2 (2)), 30 minutes 'rug time' where I have been building his concentration with games and sensory reward, and an hour a day closely supervised play where I am literally doing a running commentary to teach apporpriate behaviour. I am also much more aware of his sensory stressors and am doing my best to help him avoid / cope with these.

The change in him has been amazing- actively seeks out other children to play with, has just started imaginative play with running commentary, talks about his feelings, rituals and rules are disappearing- he is unrecgnisable from 10 weeks ago.

Luckily none of his problems occured at pre-school so his nursery workers have largely been oblivious to the problems- except when I talk to themI can tell he has displayed he sensory stuff there.

Since the preschool got asked to write a report by Ed Psych every day the preschool owner has singled me out to say 'i know you've been worried but there really isn't a problem' - this has always wound me up because I am his mum and if I say there is a problem (as does the HV and a SN behavioural specialist) then there is one.

But today she just topped it off with telling me I just needed to realise he was a lovely kind boy and I was just worried because I was so inexperienced. I was so angry I cried as I walked down the road.

Am going to kids birthday party with ds1 withg similar minded people tomorrow and dreading it - must make sure there are no sharp objects about.

am I allowed to call her a silly cow? an awkward position re:pre-school, as obviously the professionals will want to know how he behaves at pre-school With everyone else I would just stick to giving info on a need to know basis, as it's going to be too draining to try to get people to understand it all.

oh I can provide a multitude of "he'll get there in the end" type comments, and insinuations I was neurotic and dragging DS round speech therapists for the fun of it.

its like we've got nothing better to do with our time except fill in forms and drive to appointments. I definitely invented all these problems because I was bored.

LEA preschool?

Seriosuly its as if they re paid to persuade you theres nowt yup

Couldnt get anyone to take concerns with ds3 seriosuly and he was non verbal at 4!!!!!! Ed PSych said he could follow instructions... PMSL! My arse could he! She just wanted us to wait three months until she retired before statementing so she oculd finsih on a budgetary high

(We did comlain, also we had to as the letter came with no addy or tel number... she said temp secretary and asked 'why didnt you gie me a ring to say you didnt my number instead of complaining to the Head of Dept... durrrrr>>

Its normal to get bouts of this, sometimes things do go away though nto as often as we'd like. manly its poeple thinking they are being reassuring- its meant kindly. perhaps if its upsetting you a firm 'I understand you are being kind and I appreciate it, but at the momenyt I am worried and need sometime to adjust' might help?

Thanks Peachy - I'm going to speak to his key worker at pre school who has been great - has a SN child herself and has also had problems re:ds1 with this other woman. I trust her to say something diplomatic to make these uninvited pep-talks end.

I'm still not totally convinced its ASD as he has been through a very stressful couple of years and another Child Psych I spoke to informally recently said extreme stress can manifest itself in similar behaviours. DX / Label not important right now as we have some support and it is working. Moving to big school in Sept and am quite confident about support they can offer in getting dx if behvaiour regresses.

Def need more help with sensory stuff though - any suggestions? Can I de-sensitise him to smell, sound touch? Or are there clever ways for him to cope?