having a really tearful day that DS is not "normal" and is standing out

[hereidrawtheline]

After the major meltdown today where he went totally nuts and then yet again cited the spider that wont get off his neck I called his preschool leader to see if she could shed any light, since the spider arrived on Tuesday at school. she sang little miss muffet to him that day and he was giggling and laughing. we talked a lot and she said he does behave in a strange way, that he makes strange noises, loudly a lot and they have to keep reminding him to try not to. And he doesnt play with the children. And he cries and wonders if I will forget to pick him up etc. And I just got really choked up. The noises thing upset me. And also I have seen children talk to him and him ignore them but I know he likes these children because he talks about them when they arent there.

She said she will encourage relations with the 2 boys I mentioned he talked about a lot. And we are going to have a meeting and do a IEP. But it was just really sad that she saw these problems. And he is standing out like a sore thumb at preschool. I just dont understand how it has happened. And he is so beautiful and brilliant and funny and loving but he is not behaving in a "normal" way. He just isnt making sense. I am worried there is something very obscure psychologically wrong and I just dont know what to do.

Last night we tried removing the invisible spider from his neck and put it in the garden but it was back in 5 mins. Today his playworker came and she said she put it in her pocket and will take it home with her so fingers crossed.

He woke crying but not really awake every 30-60 mins in the night last night, in bed with me and needing me to settle him again. He just put himself to bed in my bed 30 mins ago and is now snoring next to me. I'll just let him sleep another 20 mins then make him get up so he can sleep tonight. Same thing I have doen the last 2 nights and it doesnt matter he still cant sleep but I feel I should be doing something. I am so upset. I wish I had someone to take care of me and love him with me. Of couse DH does but maybe I mean I wish I had a mum. I dont know.

on this list here I can see easily I think DS has all but for 2 and 5.

Am thinking of getting something like this list printed out and writing next to it his behaviours that fit into the categories and taking it to his next appointment. How do you think that would come across, sensibly or a nutty mother?

I can totally sympathis with the whole spider thing.

DS2 was at MS school a few weeks ago, and they were doing the Numberjack programme on the school whiteboard, and there was a bit on it with "scary eyes".Since then he cries whenever he sees a drawn eye, a cartoon eye, anything that has a large eye really. It is really hard going. The first week this happened he wouldn't sleep and we had to double up his melatonin. He still goes on about it and won't go into a room without someon going with him.

Several issues going on for the poor wee chap

I would agree that he sounds over tired. Little children can't regulate themselves well. Going for a nap at 5pm is not helping, but it is a difficult stage. DD1 gets 2 choices. If she won't take a nap by 13.30, that's it - no nap. Those days are hideous, but we put her to bed slightly earlier.

At any rate, DD1 (3.6) is having her bath by 6pm at the latest, and is in bed by 6.30pm (admittedly, we have melatonin). Any later is too late, because she wakes in the early hours, and at any rate starts the day between 04.30 and 05.30 most days.

Re: the fears, you might need to take a really gradual approach. With DD's fear of 'sore' bits, we ignored/reassured as appropriate. Grandad started to say he had 'paint' if he had a scab. Lots of "not sore". She still spots the tiniest cut on anyone (strangers included), but she has gradually gone from refusing to sit near Grandad (her favourite person) if he has a scab, to today, trying to rub it away after licking her finger, as you would paint. She also tried to reassure him that it was "all better" She was still hysterical when we were at the hospital and a man had a cut above his eyebrow.

aw lou poor DD she sounds very empathetic to worry so.

She is, HIDTL, but mainly just terrified! . She covers her face, visibly pales, shrinks back, and cries "Fright! Fright!" and "Not Sore!! Not Sore!!"

oh that is really sad poor baby.

DS gets whipped into a terrible panic with things too. He always says he is a kitten stuck in a tree who needs his mama cat to carry him down when he is scared.

Re the nap thing might it work to try and engineer a nap nearer the middle of the day and keep it to a strict 10-15 minutes? DS dropped his 'proper' nap shortly before turning 3 but for a good few months after this he could not get throughout the whole day without something but needed far less than a whole 'sleep cycle' of 45 minutes/1 hour IFKWIM - I used to go out in the car at around 2:30/3pm (the time he was most likely to drop off) and just drive for 10 minutes, then return home and wake him. I found that if I woke him after 10 minutes he was fine, having had just enough of a rest to pep him up. Any more than 10 minutes and he'd have gone into a deeper sleep and it would be a nightmare to rouse him. But for that window, the 10 minute 'power naps' did the trick in getting him through to a 7pm bedtime and ensuring a non-overtired sleep at that point...might it be worth a go?

The other thing I would say is that he sounds like a highly highly imaginative child and yes some of his symptoms definitely sound aspergers-ish but I wouldn't necessarily worry that they are symptomatic of a deeper psychological issue beyond the basic fears of childhood and, as others have said, potentially heightened by the aspergers' literal take on language (having said that though, I know a lot of non ASD children of a similar age who have had incredibly vivid fears, night terrors etc - so much of that is normal at this age) and the chronic overtiredness. At a similar age my sister used to have such a vivid fear that there were crocodiles in the bath that we couldn't have any bubble bath in the water for years (if the water was clear she would be quite happy to get in as would be clear there were no crocodiles) plus she would never get into bed until my mum had stripped and remade it to prove that next door's dog was not under the covers. She could sometimes appear to 'see' those things so vividly it was quite scary. She had several similar fears, went through some scary night terror phases that co-incided with moving house and, I think, was under a child psychologist at one point but has grown into a very happy and well-rounded (though still highly imaginative) adult.

Re the DX I think your idea of printing out the list with your DS's symptoms alongside each point is a good one. I did a similar thing with the SENCO at DS's school this week, we are asking for a second opinion on DS's DX as although he's had a DX of mild aspergers he doesn't really fit that list you linked to at all, other than problems with fine motor skills and some withdrawn behaviour with his peer group at school. I printed out a Greenspan article on misdiagnosis of ASD and highlighted all the bits we felt were relevant to DS's situation and gave it to her as part of our 'justification' for seeking a second opinion and she didn't seem to think I was mad at all, well if she did she didn't show it and simply said she could see where we were coming from. I think it would definitely be worth a try.

thanks very much for that thoughtful post

DS does do my head in because he seems to see these things so vividly - and he rants about them in his sleep too and whimpers and it is all very distressing. He just seems to not be here all the time he is off in lala land. Everything, but everything has an alter ego - he has about 100 depending on his mood or upset or need he will be a different animal. Tonight he was screaming/meltdown b/c we had to stop playing cars to eat dinner and it was "(his name for himself) chick needs mama hen" over and over. And I just thought fucking hell its like having a colicky baby some days, all over again. Just constant shrieking. I feel so horrible for him. I so badly want him to be happy and fit in. I was gutted today to hear from his teacher that he does indeed stand out from the other children.

I'm happy for him to be a one off and I think all the greats (Mozart and his modern counterparts etc) were not average normal children and I can see genius in him for sure but I never wanted it to be a destructive force in his life. I would do literally anything to keep him safe and happy.

Thanks for sharing your experiences too.