ASD kids and freeplay...not a good mix???

[mysonben]

Ever since we had our 1st app. with the paed. (6 weeks ago) who suspect very mild ASD , i have tried my best to play /interact more than i did before with ds. Before i used to let ds do a LOT of freeplay, or watch his dvds , whilst i was busy with dd (just turned 1),or tidying up the house , or busy working ( i now have managed to cut my hours ) ... well ds seems to be showing more ASD behaviors when he 's left to his own devices. During freeplay i hardly hear a peep out of him he reverts to staring at details in his books or puzzles for ages and rambles on the same questions about trains and vehicles. Or he will insists watching the same dvd again and again, or he will lay there for ages on his side on the floor eyeing up his toy train pushing it in/out of the tunnel. That's all he seems to be able to do ,ifywim? Yet when i started playing more constructively with him , planning activities , then he interacts with me brilliantly even if he objects to the games sometimes. He seems so much more with us , we don't have to keep repeating his name 2 or 3 times before he responds, and it shows that he can do joint attention very well when motivated. He has started calling us a LOT more recently to show us things (even if the things are very often noises or vehicles related). Putting more effort and attention into his play /activities is really paying off. (Even if i'm on my knees by the time i go to bed )

OMG! I just re-read my post and it sounds awful. Am i being neurotic? but the thought that maybe if i had paid extra attention and extra time to ds he might not be having problems now...
Here i go again on trying to find a reason for my ds 'problems , that's always on my mind lately!

Oh bless you. Firstly, don't go there!! Have been to that dark place and it serves no good I can promise you. You have done nothing at all to bring about your DS's little quirks, OK?!

What you should be very thrilled about is the fact that he is able to play so well with you, to interact as alot of kids can't/don't.

A smile spread to my lips when I read about him lying on his side pushing the train in and out of the tunnel, thats just like my DS! He also lies on his side (has to have his eyelevel on the toys level) and likes to push trains or cars up over the edges of the rug or in and out of the tunnel. In fact reading this now makes me realise how far he has come on. He is now having little construction figures and making them to do little basic conversations which was unheard of a while ago. I am sure this has come through lots of role play and just giving him ideas on what he could do.

Build on what you are doing but don't go mad. Kids still need time to do what they want, its important that they learn to amuse themselves without someone else and after we have been getting them to play our games he probably needs some downtime doing his own little relaxing things.

I can see so much of me in your posts I really can. You are reminded/afraid everytime you see him doing something ASD'ish and by distracting him you see less of it.

This has taken me some months to try and wrap my head around this but it is becoming more comfortable now and instead of distracting or making excuses for behaviour I can't help but smile and think 'bless him, he looks so happy doing that!'....Try and enjoy him and let him be himself, stop analizing every move he moves (guilty as charged your honour and find what he is good at/enjoys and build on it.

I really hope I haven't put anything to annoy/offend you, I really do empathise with you, xxx

Don't be hard on yourself, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

ds2 can play but this play needs to be guided & never came naturally, he has been taught how to play, something that non ASD children develop without help.

He is 6 now & without an adult structuring play & giving him some direction his free play is very limited.
He will use his free time to play with his soldiers & army stuff, but strictly within his rules IYKWIM. He will sit in his chair & stare while rubbing dummies around hi face or lick the windows & stare through the smear, aparently it seems particulary pleasurable to him on a sunny day! These are very ASD/sensory behaviours BUT he does get genuine pleasure from them, so I allow him some free time after all we all are entitled to a little of what we like (wine & chocolate for me).
BUT I try to balance that with encouraging more socially acceptable behaviours.

Like Barmy has said, don't go there! You'll only make yourself feel like a crap parent (you're clearly not).

My DS2 is very similar to your DS. He will play/interact with me, but for a brief period and often gets up and wanders off to do his own thing without warning.

You give your ds as much time as you think is neccessary. From what I can read, you're already doing all you can.

"What you should be very thrilled about is the fact that he is able to play so well with you"
Amen to that. I've found that, the more we try to find ways to play with him, the more DS wants to play with us because he realizes it's fun (again, the Hanen course is full of tips on how to 'intrude' into his games). But please don't worry about not having done this enough before the dx - I had the same worry, and it was clearly explained to me that it really wouldn't have made any difference to him having ASD or not. It's a neurological thing - kids with stay-at-home mums who really spend a lot of time with them may have it, and kids who are completely neglected by their parents don't. I think you're doing great!

When my DS was younger, and before I knew he was ASD, i felt like the worst mum in the world - everyone else was playing with their kids (or so it seemed) and i just found it so stressful because DS hated me interrupting him. He was often in his own world, wandering around, watching wheels on his trains, and actually very content though completely disengaged.
I agree with other posters that it is about balance. DS is now 6 - sometimes we can happily play together, and he will sometimes initiate play himself, but at other time it is clearly beneficial for him to be allowed to be autistic. I let him lead the way, and when he is receptive then we go with it, however wierd the situation. It is not unusual to find us lying together on the trampoline just looking at the clouds and seeing imaginary shapes!
Once I felt more relaxed, and realised his diagnosis then I could cut myself some slack This in turn helped me engage with my DS more effectively because it was less pressured.
We still have good and bad phases. We've just come through 3 months of hell as school was not working for him - I have been able to do very little with DS at home. Now things are more settled he is so happy and enthusiastic, and he is a delight to be with. Our play and learning opportunities are endless.
I think I am trying to say go with the flow and do what you can when you can.

Thank you again for your wise replies. I probably stress too much about everything , when in fact i should indeed be pleased of all the progress he has made instead of trying to compare him to NT kids of his age!
I will follow the advice and leave him to be himself at times each day instead of freaking out each time i see him reverting to ASD behaviors ( i think it hasn't helped my stress levels trying to control what he is doing all the time because i simply cannot make him to become like the other kids overnight) he probably never will anyway, even if we can achieve a lot with ds ,in the long run he will always have his little quirky ways , but hey everyone is different anyway!
About playing or staring at things at eye level ... that is soooo true even when he was little he used to line up his cars or shoes on the edge of the sofa and kneel so he could be level with them while playing , or he'd lay on his side (still his fave positions while playing or staring at things)

Yep, if DS gets given a new toy or item to play/look at, the first thing he does is check it out DS style....lying down with the side of his face on the floor

at least he checks his new toys barmy. My DS would not dare touch it for days, preferring to patrol from a distance, until sure that it met his exacting standards

Mysonben - have you read The Special Needs Child' by Stanley Greenspan? He advocates a therapy called Floortime for children who have additional needs (esp ASD) - and it says exactly what you said in your OP. He talks about moving a child up through 'levels' of play and interaction, literally by getting down on the floor and playing. It's a good read - and reassuring too.

Spill- No haven't read this book , will look it up. Thanks.

Another vote for Greenspan - aka Stan the Man (at least by lingle and Mrs. T)