Should I pull my son out of nursery? (ASD)

[catski]

I really don't know what to do for the best, I have no one else to talk to about it.

My son (mild autism) started nursery about 3 weeks ago. I'm in sweden and they have a period called 'inskolning' where you spend a couple of weeks with at the nursery, gradually withdrawing. We've been taking this phase more slowly on account of his autism. This week I'm leaving within five minutes and coming back after three hours.

He's crying a lot when I leave him, which they say is normal. He usually stops after 5 or 10 minutes (and I know, because I hide round the corner and listen!). He's always been clingy with me, but even more so now. When we're at home he keeps pushing his dad away and if I even move my arm he says 'no! no!', as if worreid I'm about to get up and go somewhere. He also won't look at other people when they come in the room and try to talk to him - closes his eyes - and only wants to interact with me.

All nurseries are closed in sweden over july. After july we are going to send him to a different nursery which I think will help him more with his development (there are more structured activities and small group work, whereas this one is just free play outside for three hours and not a lot of interaction between the teachers and children - more like extended babysitting if you see what I mean). I'm wondering if I should just pull him out of the nursery where he is now rather than him having to go through the settling in period twice. My concern though is that he will not have very much exposure to other kids until he starts the new nursery in august as all the playgroups have now stopped for the summer and I don't have a wide enough circle of friends to muster up more than a couple of 'playdates' a week (and my friends' kids are not the same age as him anyway).

I really don't know what to do. Any advice is really appreciated.

I'm not an expert, but if it was me, I think I would keep him at the nursery till July.

Not only will it give you a break, but also if he is with you all the time until he starts a new nursery he might find it even harder to settle in again. If he is getting used to being apart from you a little bit now, that might help when he moves to the new one.

I would stay with the current nursery too, the crying when you leave is what loads of kids do and it's great that he settles down quickly. It will just help with the idea of leaving you even though he's changing to a new one.

I agree with the others, catski - keep him at the nursery until July. The crying is not an ASD thing; they all do it. It took my DS ages to get used to nursery, but I can see the benefits now - the other day he even played musical chairs with the others

Well, I've just picked him up and he seems happy enough. The teacher said he stopped crying pretty quickly (which I know he did because of my spying accidentally being round the corner being able to listen). Feeling better about it all since this morning - maybe I was having a panic.

In an 'ideal' (NT) world I wouldn't send him to nursery until he was a bit older - at least enough to be able to communicate to me if there was something wrong there. However, we don't have the luxuary of being in that situation. He is developmentally delayed and he will need help with things that you could take for granted will come automatically with NT kids.

I don't think he will be learning much that will be useful to him, but we live in such a secluded place (middle of the woods actually) that he won't get much exposure here with me either.

For what it's worth, I'd say you should keep him there too. But...free play can be scarier than a very scary thing for many of us. Is there any way the staff can help him to settle to a particular activity to start with each time, so that he knows that he always does X first once you've left? That can give many children comfort, because at least they know what is first required of them?

The eye contact thing is very difficult for many of us. I've just had a conversation with a work colleague I've known for 20+ years, and I still struggle not to look away. It really is very very exhausting and 'painful' to make eye contact if I'm having to do anything else at the same time/be in any sort of sensory environment that is more difficult.

I wouldn't worry about him having the summer off from lots of friends and activities, personally. The summer holiday were for me a huge, huge relief and something that let me 're-find my feet' (not literally - they're always on the ends of my legs). It may be different for him, but it's not always a problem.

Hi, my dd2 (3.1) started nursery 6 months ago, she has ASD/HFA and like your ds she took a long time to settle, i stayed with her for the first few weeks, when i tried to leave she would cry. I was advised to kiss her goodbye and go which was really upsetting because she would be crying so much. We stuck at it for 4 or 5 weeks and then she was fine, she still has days where she gets upset but most of the time she enjoys it. We have just started her at another nursery and she has gone straight in with out any fuss. I really think you should stick with it as once he has settled in you wont have to through all the crying again with the next nursery.

Dd2 also became really clingy when she started nursery (even at home) but i was told this is a normal reaction from any child (not just ASD) and its a good step in their development.

With dd1 (AS) we started her at a nursery too early, the nursery wasn't understanding as we didn't have a dx for her, there was no settling in period and dd would make her self sick with crying, we pulled her out and put her in another nursery 6 months latter, she took 6 months to settle but then really enjoyed it.

It is indeed me (i.e. amber32002). Mumsnet's systems don't let you have the same name twice unless they do something amazing in tech support, so I've risked confusing myself by changing to a different name. Well, a bit different.
I'm taking it very slowly though, which is very sensible (unlike my normal behaviour, which often isn't).

i had same problem and my ds benefited from being kept in there it takes a while to learn the structure and routine and to feel settled so best left 10 mins of crying is great compared to some nt children that cry for ages

could they do a picture board now and next and get him to choose a fun activity as soon as he gets in to make it more exciting

my ds can still do the eye closing thing even now

as for the dad thing i used to set upa n activity and purposely leave the house gradually ds accepted dp but if tired or upset its always me and if ill

but i made sure i left them alone on as many opportunities as i could it was heartbreaking to hear him crying but i never said bye just see you soon no direct contact and left them to it

gradually after few weeks of doing this he didnt even notice id gone lol

hmmm - 5/10 minutes crying is quite usual for all children. but going against the grain, I would say unless you particularly want him to go/need a break, I wouldn't bother keeping him there as you don't feel he is really learning much.

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it as I don't have anyone to talk it over with here.

Your dd's experience is very reassuring Marne!

I do try to talk to him a lot about nursery and there's a picture of he key worker on our fridge so I make sure to point it out to him and let him know where we going. This morning he was fine until we actually got there and he saw his key worker at which point he started crying and ran away. She told me to watch through the window and although he was crying when I said goodbye, within about 30 seconds of me leaving he was fine.

I must say amber (nice to see you and hope you are well!), he doesn't seem particularly phased by the freeplay aspect. It's an outdoor based nursery and headed straight for the sandpit (where there were other kids too) and started playing with the cars.

I think because his reaction seems to be getting a bit better each morning, and he's not crying for a long time, it might be worth sticking it out. I feel like if I remove him now it might reinforce nursery as a bad experience, making it harder when he starts the new nursery in august.

Pipinjo - I have ranted before about the lack of services here for children with autism so it's probably best if I don't go there again cos I'll need a cup to catch all the froth. I don't know how to explain it really - it's a very homogenous society (google 'lagom' and 'jantelagen'), with, in my opinion, a one-size-fits-all system. It's great if your the right fit, but if you're different to the norm, well, you're a bit buggered. Not sure what it's like for other special needs but the only services they offer here is ABA (in quite an 'old school' way) which I don't think is the best fit for my son. The other major disadvantage is that there is no private market for any kind of therapists who might be able to help, so if the system fails you or you want to choose something different, tough luck. I'm considering moving back to the UK to be honest. It's just a society which doesn't seem to 'do' diversity, and as children with even the same autism diagnosis can present themselves quite quite differently, it's a very significant disadvantage.