Why am I so scared of the thought of Special School - Reassurance Needed!

[oliandjoesmum]

My DS age 8 received a diagnosis of Aspergers in March, and a Level 5 (most funding you can get statement) statement in April. We were told at the time the draft statement was issued that the LEA and Autism Support team both felt a more specialist provision than mainstream would benefit him. He has had many problems at mainstream school, and I have had some terrible times with the attitudes of other parents. The Head and teachers have however been supportive in the main. He does have friends there, and has gone through a relatively trouble free and calm half term. The Head has however said that they are 'managing' him, but not addressing his needs. Had a meeting on Wednesday with LEA and Autism support, and the current Head to discuss his future. The school are still saying they are not meeting his needs (but would not actually say outright if they would say no if we put them down as the requested school on the statement). I also heard all the benefits he would gain from going to a resourced provision. There is a place for him at a resourced unit local to us in a school I really liked. I know he is failing academically this year. Is on Gifted and Talented register, and got level 3s for all subjects at KS1 SATS, so this does worry me. However, I am still scared of moving him. I think it is tied up with my inability to accept he has a disability. Or is it that I think all the bitch mothers have won if he leaves? It will be his 3rd school in a year, and I just feel so sad and scared for him. I can't make a decision, even though my head says he should go, my heart is terrified. It is the unknown for me, and I feel really sad, rightly or wrongly this was my biggest fear.
Please can I have some comfort or success stories to make this all a bit easier!! Thanks

I think most people have moment of sadness and regret when they realise that their child will not have an average 'normal' education - not least because it seems like an acceptance of their disabilities or difficulties.

The thing to hold to the fore in your thinking is what is best for your child - where we he find help, happiness and security.

I was holding on to faint ( and frankly ridiculous) notions of mainstream school when DS2's nursery teacher spoke with me and said
'pagboy has strengths and abilities which will never be seen in mainstream. he likes his peers - he feels accepted and safe amongst them and that makes him happy'

I realised that if he went to mainstream his education would all be about his differences and his difficulties. At his special school it is about his friendships and abilities.

As for the witches at your DS's school. They may have 'won' if your DS leaves. But if he stays because they have made you defensive then they have definately won and you, in choosing for your son because of what they do rather than what he needs will have definately lost.

Focus on your son and what is best for him will become increasingly apparent.

FWIW my sons special school is brilliant, the staff are lovely and he is very very happy. It is a positive place full of joy and support.

Before DS started reception we looked at all the local school options, SN and mainstream. In the end we went for special school with him from the beginning and know we made the right choice. He has thrived in small classes with lots of dedicated teachers and assistants who work to accomodate his difficulties and challenge him to both behave and learn.

All his teachers have been fabulous, kind and very patient as well as strict enough to ensure the learning gets done. He would have been totally lost in a large class.

While I did feel a twinge of sadness that he wouldn't be able to cope in the standard setting, his Dad (an academic) found it harder though he's used to it now.

Agree with others, doing what is best for the child trumps other concerns.

Hi oliandjoesmum. Well each childs situation is different. Do you think your son will continue to be happy at his present school? If they cannot meet his needs can those needs be met another way (ie social needs) and if no other way what do you think may happen?
I will say that for my son (who has M/SLD and ASD) a change to a sn school (at the beginning of year 3)appropriate to his needs has made the world of difference. He has come on in leaps and bounds and is a much happier more confident child (and he gets hurt less often too!) and our whole existance has changed. The school years before that were very difficult and ds lost skills and developed difficult behaviours. The transition itself was a little frought but it didnt take long to settle in and blossom. And ds still has social contact with ms children via carefully chosen out of school activities.
I would say go with your instincts!
Your situation is very different but I expect others with tallented children on the spectrum will be along soon.

Hi Oliandjoesmum

My DS2 is also 8 and has a dx of hfa.

He attended ICAN Pre School and then a speech and language unit (4 - 7) and now another communication unit (8 - 11).

I shared your fears at my son going to a 'specialist' unit - I absolutely didn't want him to be different in any way and it felt like such a loss.

However, it has been the most positive experience for him and us. I don't worry about him in any way. The specialist unit is integrated into the mainstream school for christmas plays and all the children mix in the true spirit of embracing diversity. It's so lovely.

I'm not scared for him. He follows a curriculum and meets his targets, there are only 7 other pupils in his class, although, there can still be behaviours from him and the others!

It has been the best decision we made and he is thriving.

Sorry slow/cross posted!
Agree with others. The other thing is that at ms ds was isolated (ignored in the corner unable to understand) and always in trouble. In snschool he is in a very small class of peers needing similar teaching methods and levels so it is more sociable something ds needs - ie he learns better in a very small group than lost in a big one or shut in a corner.

So sorry you're having a tough time. Here's a success story:

A friend of mine has a son with Asperger's and Tourettes. His statement specifies 20hrs 1 to 1 at school. He went to the local community college, who gave him 1 to 1 for about 5hrs a week if he was lucky. The other kids who knew him from primary knew exactly which buttons to push and did so, with relish. He was constantly at home because he'd lost it at school and been excluded for a week/month etc. In two years at that school he had spent more time at home than he had at school, and was seriously behind. His mum hated the idea of sending him to the local SN school, but realised that the college were never going to give him the 1 to 1 he needed and they really just wanted him out. His education was suffering and he was so behind he might never catch up. She sent him to the SN school.

He has been there a year. He is a different boy. He is top of his class in all subjects. They love him, because he is well behaved and eager, joins in happily with every activity, works hard, helps the other children, especially younger ones and is an absolute asset to the school. His mum is happy because he is learning, being educated, happy and useful. His future looks so much better.

He is a bright and kind boy, hampered by problems which are not his fault; he needed help, guidance and understanding and was seen only as a problem, so became a problem. Once he was with people who were actually interested in him he blossomed.

Ooh yes Ds is VALUED at his new school not treated as a problem!

Agree with the other posts oli, Ihad a very hard time accepting that dd wouldn't cope with mainstream but fortuneatly dh who is very level headed and pragmatic knew early on that dd would be better in a sn school took controll while i went through the school visits in an emotional haze. Looking back i dont know why i wasted so much time greiving for the fact that she wouldn't go to mainstream, she's just about to go into her last term at a fab sn school, and her progress has been amazing, she is in a class of 6 students with 4 members of staff and emotionally and educationally in learning something new every day. The best part of this is that from the moment she leaves the house in the morning untill she comes home, i don't have to worry about her as she is in the best possible place getting everything she needs which makes the whole families lives so much better. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks or says just think about whats best for your son at the moment and bum to everyone else!!

Thank you all so much,so many things you say hit a chord!! I worry all day about him, not so much anymore that he is hurting others because they have avoided him being in any situations where he can!! Own table at lunch with 2 chosen friends, seperate playtimes with two chosen friends, no competitive elements of PE, no little tasks like fetching the register. Even writing that list makes me realise how much he is not getting an inclusive education. What I worry about is him being scared, hiding under the table, running out of the room, just not understanding what everyone means when they want him to act in a certain way. My heart aches for every hour he is at school and it would be amazing to not have to feel that anymore. He is also unable to do any extra-curricular activities because he can't be trusted. I would have to go with him, he has 2 younger brothers so this just isn't possible. I hate walking in to that playground and everyone avoiding me and him, bar a few special friends. I am listening to him upstairs as I type, dancing and laughing with his brothers. Why doesn't school allow him to feel like that?? I guess because it is not the correct provision for his very specific needs. Thanks again

my DS was excluded from two mainstream schools before he was 7. He got a dx of atypical autism and ODD in Aug last year aged 8. He started at our local priory specialist school in october.
MS could not provide DS with the enviroment he needs to learn and even with a statement of 32.5 hours and extra funding it was not possible for him to function in MS.
In the priory school DS is in a class with 2 other children and 4 staff, he has shorter lessons with the opportunity to run around afetr about 20 mins, he has a rigid timetable, he has access to a soft play calm room and has SALT for an hour a week as well as music therepy and swimming twice a week too. The school pay attention to every need of the child and the curriculum is specifically tailored to each pupils abilities!
He has been there now for 6 months and we are seeing small glimmers of hope in his behaviour but the biggest change is he is calmer and is now accessing his education!

It is so good to hear these stories. I'm just at the beginning of all this as ds goes into reception in September. At this stage don't know where he will end up but so good to hear positives. I love the idea of ds being in a small class so this has really made me think.

Nikos, my ds2 is starting reception in September as well, we are busy getting him statemented.

OAJM, I know exactly what you are feeling. Last year, my ds2 was ds with Autism. He had already been given a place at my DS1's school nursery and so wanted him to go there. However, the visit to it was very stressful, I ended up in tears and it was clear that he wouldn't manage it. We visited the local specialist ASD school by us, and I have to say, it was nothing like I expected it to be. We were allowed to watch half an hour of the nursery session, and it really opened my eyes as to what it would be like for DS2, and was refreshing to see other children with ASD in a school surrounding. I reluctantly decided to send him there, and I can honestly say it is the best thing we could have done for him. His behaviour has improved greatly, and because he sees his SALT at least 3 times a week, his vocabualry has improved tenfold.

The other thing I was a bit reluctant about was ds2 getting collected and dropped off by the SN bus, as I've heard the nasty things people can say about SN people on those buses. But I quickly overcame this when DS2 got picked up on his first day. The driver and carer are lovely, very reassuring and my DS2 loves getting the "balamory bus" to school.

Sorry, didn't realise I'd bleat on this long

my little boy too is going to a sn school in sept hes got two full days early entry also he gets picked up on mon to go to cdu playgroup and ive had nasty remarks but i take no notice

My daughter started at a mainstream school and spent just over 1 year there. I know exactly what you mean about some of the parents and it can be heart breaking. There was a general feeling that she was holding back the class (of only 17 kids!!) and they were in reception FFS!

She moved to a resourced mainstream primary school which worked ok for the first couple of years then her mainstream time became pointless and her inclusion was locational only.

After a 2 year battle with our LEA (she is 11 now) she starts at a special school after the holiday. We spent lots of time looking at a lot of special schools and I am sure we have found the best place for her now. Take some time to have a look at some schools especially the one suggested and write down the pros and cons of each. Even looking at some a distance away just to get an idea of where he will best fit in. Good luck