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SN children

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Original poster

Other Family Response & Rejection

14 replies

WednesdaysChild · 19/05/2009 11:35

Anyone here feel that their own family have rejected or abandoned your DC (& You) because of their DX?

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 19/05/2009 11:51

sounds like you've been through a tough time. my/dh's family tend to go more for denial/elephant in the room approach than anything so bad.

bunnyrabbit · 19/05/2009 12:04

I'm with TC here. Family are in denial but that's all.

Can you give us more info on what's happening to make you feel this way?

beldaran · 19/05/2009 12:12

Oh most definetly.

My parents haven't seen my DD for 2 years and it wasn't for my lack of trying. I tried and tried and ended up making myself depressed about the whole thing.

My parents would rather be "grandparents" to their next door neighbours kids than to their own grandaughter.

But at the end of the day it is their loss.

sc13 · 19/05/2009 12:28

Families sometimes need a lot of time to go through news they didn't expect. I'm lucky in that my side of the family are in denial, but also very nice to me and DS (whose ASD is for them a figment of the medical imagination; he's obviously perfect if a bit unusual). The PIL are another story, but tbh I never liked them anyway, so now I have a really good excuse not to like them. But I have to say if I minimally cared about what the PIL thought, I'd put my thoughts in a letter, just so they have it in writing. Their loss, beldaran, their loss - as my mum says, PIL should be glad to have 'special' grandkids visit and bring some variety into their boring lives every now and then

Original poster

WednesdaysChild · 19/05/2009 12:43

What beldaran said. Anyone else's child will do...

...It's not the dx, it's my parenting that does it....they would bring dc up better...actually ignore me and dc in public & walk past without even acknowledging us on numerous occasions but then, out of guilt, make a fuss and send presents. That if it is genetic then it's not from our side but then saying that I was never right (as a result have done the test and am not ASD. Family wedding - got the invite & accepted but then told no children allowed, they refuse to babysit for me & I have no other support, so had to decline - later found that all other children were there. Received another invite to family party at very last minute (day before) again no children allowed but this wasn't true either.

Am now feeling extremely rejected as I have tried calm reason, furious discussion and outright rage but none seem to change them.

Should I just come to terms with the fact that we are no longer a part of this family?

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Original poster

WednesdaysChild · 19/05/2009 12:45

p.s. when I challenged them last time, I'm afraid that I totally lost it! They had been so abusive that I gave some back. Their response - "She's not right in her head!"

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reducedfatkettlechip · 19/05/2009 13:20

oh for you. It's hard enough to cope with without family making it worse. Is it worth you having some counselling, I had a little and it really helped me understand that my family's reactions were not my fault or problem. You could ask for a GP referral and it's free.

We have a big fat case of denial on one side and totally the opposite on the other. Neither are particularly helpful ime.

sc13 · 19/05/2009 13:26

Oh, WednesdaysChild, I am angry and shocked on your behalf. Ignoring you and your children in public?? I'd be tempted to say much worse about these people, there really are no words. You are definitely doing an excellent job bringing up your children, while getting this s**t from the so-called family.

Original poster

WednesdaysChild · 19/05/2009 13:29

counselling ongoing. It's making me feel like such a rejected-abuse victim that my confidence is at rock-bottom just now. Got so bad that I can barely speak in case I burst into tears.

Family reaction has been like this for years now and I feel I just have had more than I can take for ever.

Have tried cutting them out before which felt bad at first then actually quite good, as I could just concentrate on the important people but then I just ended up missing them and letting them back in. Whenever I do let them back in, it's ok for a few weeks or months but always goes back to the same in the end.

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Original poster

WednesdaysChild · 19/05/2009 13:33

They have let DS down so badly in the past, not keeping promises they made to him, birthday presents sent late, christmas parties missed, actually shouting at him to try to get him to 'act normal' , not allowing him to play with other children in the family if their friends were around....

Guess that I know I need to cut ties with them for the sake of my own sanity and to protect my DC's from them but it really does hurt like hell.

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bunnyrabbit · 19/05/2009 14:10

Words cannot express how angry I am on your and your DS's behalf. I'm with SC13 on this.

I think sc13's idea of writing it all down in a letter is a good one. Give's you time to complose what you want to say. To spell out in no uncertain terms exactly how their behaviour makes you and DS1 feel. To know their is no way they can miscontrue how the affect their behaviour has on you. Then at least you have given them every chance to behave in an acceptable fashion. If they do not come round after this then I think you have already decided what your next step will be.

Also I would actually ask the people who threw the parties why my DS was not invited. Sorry, but I think I'd be so angry in your position that any attempt at subtelty would be beyond me by now.

Original poster

WednesdaysChild · 19/05/2009 14:31

thanks bunny. Did ask about the other children but told it was all last minute! As if!

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beldaran · 19/05/2009 15:18

Oh WednesdaysChild, i'm sorry that you are having to go through this.

I've had the ignoring, the guilt trips and i have even had cousins of mine verbally abusing me in public as my parents had told the rest of my family that we had stopped them seeing DD [hmmm] because they didn't want to look like bad people.

It hurts like hell to think that the people that raised you want to have nothing to do with you. It took a while to get over it but i realised that my family is me, DH, DD and PIL (i love them to bits) and these are the people that matter to me the most.

I don't know what else to say to help you, but please know that you are not alone.

Original poster

WednesdaysChild · 19/05/2009 15:56

Beldaran: It seems to be a bit like aversion therapy. I shouldn't go near them but can't seem to stop myself (thinking it'll be different this time), each time it hurts like hell but I still go back. Thinking now that maybe I have finally learned my lesson. Do you still go back? Do you allow contact?

PILs are lovely too but also go with the Elephant in the Room approach mentioned by TotalChaos.

For both sides, it seems to be all about what other people might think. FGS!

One of my sibs also tried to put on a show not long ago (also puts it all on me) and attempted to hug DS but he shrugged them off! Am kind of proud of him for his judgement of character and not trusting them but at the same time my heart aches watching my own family like this.

It makes me re-trace my own childhood and, from where I am standing now, seems to have been that weakness of any kind was unacceptable to my parents & later to my sibs. I just accepted this was right but now I really can't standby and watch it repeated.

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