Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

Is it normal for siblings to accuse you of loving SN child more than them

21 replies

unfairmum · 11/05/2009 14:34

Hi - am new to the SN board. My DD2 (6.5) has mild SN (physical and learning related). She manages a lot of things pretty well. But she does need extra help, support etc.

I have two other DC - DS (9) and DD1 is nearly 8. They are constantly pointing out to me all the ways in which I treat DD2 differently from them. For example DD2 is upset by loud or scary TV etc. So I wont let DS and DD1 watch such things if DD2 is there. I only let them watch things which DD2 also likes. Of course I try and find chances for them to watch without her but this is not always practical.
I spend more time with DD2 as well and have heard DS and DD1 talk to each other about how I love DD2 more than I love them. MIL also overheard this recently and told me about it. This has become worse lately - and sometimes I am left feeling really bad and wondering if I am favouring DD2 too much.

I guess what I am really after on here is if anybody else has their children making these comparisons and accusations of unfairness. And how do you deal with them/ideas for how to manage them.

Off to school now but thanks for any replies - will check in later.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 11/05/2009 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

magso · 11/05/2009 15:27

Oh I suspect this is a common complaint amongst older siblings in many families with or without sn. ( I speak as an elder sibling not a parent here as I only have one ds so I do not think I can comment further).

meltedmarsbars · 11/05/2009 15:34

Completely true over here!

3 kids, 10, 8 and nearly 7, no 3 can't walk, talk and is tube -fed.

My way out is to use every offer of respite we get, and spend the time doing things (or nothing) with the others.

I have a very good circle of friends who are very good at offering to take my other two out so they don't miss out on social opportunities. It helps me and it makes my friends feel valued - and they truly are!!

Does it ever get easier? I'm dreading the teenage years.

BradfordMum · 11/05/2009 16:25

I think this is totally normal in every family. Sn or no Sn.

Original poster
unfairmum · 11/05/2009 18:46

Thank you for the replies. I guess I am reassured to hear people feel this is normal although as a child I did not feel this within my own (non-sn) family. Obviously we had various fallings out and so on but not a consistent feeling that one child was being favoured. Is it really normal for an 8 year old to say she doesnt feel I love her as much as her sister?

OP posts:
cory · 11/05/2009 21:37

I would agree that this is a normal accusation for siblings full stop. It may not mean that they really have a consistent feeling that one child is being favoured, they may be feeling at this particular point, doesn't mean they always will.

Don't underestimate your own sensitivity and the extra pressure on you as the mother of an SN child to get everything absolutely right.

Both my dc's have physical disabilities. And they both accuse me from time to time of favouring the other.

meltedmarsbars · 12/05/2009 09:57

But to disprove all my other dc's jealousies, this morning, while I was in the shower, dd1 lifted dd2(sn) into her wheelchair and took her outside to feed the hens together!!! That is so generous and caring. I said so to dd1. She made me proud.

Original poster
unfairmum · 12/05/2009 10:03

that is lovely meltedmarsbar.

OP posts:
meltedmarsbars · 12/05/2009 10:20

Don't worry, dd1 will be complaining about dd2 ruining her things again by the end of today!!

But I do try to make a point of thanking them when they are nice to each other - same with any bunch of kids.

FioFio · 12/05/2009 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DJAngel · 12/05/2009 10:53

Yes - perfectly understandable too I think. I know I spend more time with and thinking/worrying about my 3 year old sn dd2 even though I know I do love them equally - if differently - my ds1 of 5 yrs who's non-sn accuses me frequently of caring more about his younger sister and is upset that he has to go off to school - in fact getting him there is a nightmare at the moment.. whilst he imagines me and his sister at home or whatever having a lovely time without him.. I feel for him and try and reassure him and make special time when we can to do special things he likes with just him - but it's a complex family situation. Just bought a book that I'm finding helpful that was on an old thread from here called Being the Other one - Growing up with a brother or sister who has special needs by Kate Strohm. Found it really insightful and has some good ideas about how to help the non sn sibs cope with those feelings. Funny though - however much he moans about her he's over the moon on the very rare occasions she notices him and tries to hug him or kiss him goodnight. I cherish those times.. Best of luck..

ChopsTheDuck · 12/05/2009 12:14

although it is something that happens with siblings regardless I do think sn can excabate it. I've had dd in floods this morning cos she felt I was being hard on her.

She is the oldest and nt, so I expect more of her and she feels picked on. Had to have a very looong discussion about why I have difference expectations for her and ds and why she needs to be a little more understanding and not set ds1 off all the time etc, etc.

It works both ways though. ds1 (learning and physical disabilities) feels hard done by cos dd is allowed to do xyz and he can't cos of his disabilities even though 'all his friends are allowed'.

Original poster
unfairmum · 12/05/2009 13:33

Thanks for the reassurance. I might look into buying that book DJ. Sadly my DS does not seem to appreciate that DD2 loves him. She tried to hug him the other day when he hurt himself and he pushed her away. I am finding his attitude and comments hard to tolerate which probably only makes things worse.

OP posts:
CapnMistyCannonbait · 13/05/2009 20:53

im another who has children that are envious of their SN sister ,but they're all envious of each other one way or another tbh.

bsac15 · 13/05/2009 23:41

Hi!
Try this website.

www.sibs.org.uk

It's not fantastic but it is meant to be tailored towards siblings.
(if a bit patronising towards the parent) .

Please don't outcast me if you think it's naff!

Bsac15

Original poster
unfairmum · 14/05/2009 14:49

Thanks for the replies - will look at the website too and try and see past any naff aspects!

OP posts:
meltedmarsbars · 14/05/2009 15:02

I have the sibs monthly emails too - they also do courses, I went on one and it was an eye-opener.

Original poster
unfairmum · 14/05/2009 18:25

Meltedmarsbar can I ask if the course was relevant to/dealt with situations where the disability is relatively mild. I am conscious that many of you on this topic have children with much more severe conditions than my DD has and I guess my impression would be that these groups are geared up towards families where there is a more severe disability.

OP posts:
meltedmarsbars · 14/05/2009 20:10

Unfairmun, the course took no notice of what the disability was or how severe it was - it was aimed to explain how life feels for the other "normal" siblings. It was one day and a couple of years ago, run by a lady from sibs who was a sibling of a disabled person.

Its definately worth looking up.

Original poster
unfairmum · 15/05/2009 09:52

Thanks mmb.

OP posts:
ilovesprouts · 15/05/2009 10:42

i get this all the time from my dd 16 and my sn dhild is 29months shes always saying he get more stuff etc [she needs to get a job]i dont get any money for her at all bit she expects monet for fags all the time and says nasty stuff if she does no get her own way she makes me so

New posts on this thread. Refresh page