Short term care of ASD teen to resolve problems between teen and parent - any experience/advice?

[IheartNY]

Apologies for the double posting, but thought I'd be best posting this in both special needs and in foster care topics as it kind of covers both areas. Also sorry if I ramble a bit, will answer any questions that come up for further info!

Long story, but basics are that my 15 year old brother is ASD (autistic spectrum). He lives with my Mum, who is a single parent, works really hard, but struggles with him. She has said many times before that she has had enough and cant cope any more, but recently she said it and meant it. She called the mental health Dr who they deal with and told him that she couldnt cope any longer and wanted him to speak to social services about getting my brother taken in to care. They constantly argue. My brother is often aggressive and threatening with her and shouts/swears at her. He thinks that she hates him.
I always said that I'd take him in rather than him going into care, but my Mum was not that keen on that idea before.
The mental health Dr though convinced my Mum to give it a go sending him to stay with me. He is very experienced in this area and said that its quite a common thing for young teenagers with ASD to get their emotional difficulties and frustrations tangled up in their relationship with their main carer and a break will do them both a world of good. This Dr is also a foster carer and says that a load of ASD teens come into foster care for exactly this reason.
Apparently research in this area has shown that a break of at least 4 weeks from each other can break this cycle of arguments and bad relationship and help the ASD teen to realise that their emotional difficulties are causing a lot of the problem and not the carer.
Research shows that there will be an initial 'honeymoon period' when he will just think he's on holiday and enjoy the time away, but then reality will hit him and he will start to miss his friends/groups/home and will start thinking things through.

So, my brother came to stay with me last weekend. His Dr has signed him off school for the month under 'urgent medical necessity' and they are sending work on to me for him to do.
Today I think it has hit him that he will be here for at least another 3 weeks. I had a long chat with him today and also one a few nights ago about the whole thing.
Still no breakthrough though. During our talk today he insisted that there was 'nothing to sort out' and that he was just sitting out these few weeks until he could go home, when he would then stay out all day after school with his friends and just sleep at home avoiding talking to Mum. I've told him that she wont accept him home under those circumstances and that if he doesnt make an effort to sort things out then he wont be going back. He does sea cadets and kayaking and really misses them so am trying to use those as a way of making him want to sort things out.
So far I've suggested he phones Mum and talks things through. He has refused. She texts him and has called here, but he talks briefly and then jus passes the phone to me. I've suggested that he writes a letter telling her how he feels but he's refused that too, saying 'theres no point, she wont listen, nothing will change'

Not sure where to go next or what to suggest really. Torn between keeping on talking to him and reminding him that no action means no going home or just leaving things and talking if and when he wants to.
I'm going to phone his school tomorrow and speak to his SN teacher about it. I'm going to ask them to send more work as I think he's getting a little bored, plus I will have to ask about whether he can transfer sitting some of his exams to a school near me as if he stays more than 4 weeks he could end up missing some exams (he's year 10, so will be doing GCSEs next year).

Any foster carers who have been through anything similar?
Anyone with similar SN experience?
Any advice from anyone much appreciated!!!

sorry, not an expert, as my son is only 3, but just wanted to say that you've taken a really positive step to support your brother and your mum. it's fantastic.

i wonder if it may be too soon to expect him to have changed his attitude? if things are going well with you, would it be possible to give it another week and then perhaps ask him why he thinks things are better in your house? and then try to identify how these positive differences could be transferred to your mum's?

have some of his negative behaviours improved since coming to stay with you?

Thanks for your reply.
He hasnt shown hardly any of his negative behaviour since coming to stay with me (nothing except a couple of quiet sulks and once doing something I asked him not to, so not much at all!)
The Dr told us that he'd most likely behave like an angel with me though as all the bad behaviour is linked up in his relationship with Mum - this is common.
He might play me up a bit more when he is settled in a bit more.

Perhaps you are right in saying it could be too soon to start getting him to think about things at home.
I've asked my Mum to write a letter to him to see if that kick starts him off to write one back.

I'm just starting to worry about if it takes much longer than 4 weeks - will I need to enroll him in a school here? and how on earth will I go about doing that??

i can see why you would be worried. it sounds like the meeting with his sn teacher tomorrow might be the best place to ask about his continuing education. good luck with the meeting - hope they have some answers for you.

How is it going? Was the call with the SN teacher at your brother's school helpful?

I have 2 sons 11 and 13 with high functioning autism. Both busy on their computers as I type!

Thanks for asking.
The call was helpful. There are 3 exams in June that he must be at his school for, but apart from that they are flexible, so theoretically we have until September to sort things out and worst case we will just have to do a 6 hour round trip to take him to his exams!
SN teacher also got extra work sent up from his teachers, so that will keep him on top of his school work.
No progress on getting things sorted with brother and Mum yet. It was his birthday a couple of days ago and he still hasnt texted or called to thank her for the things she sent him despite me asking him to several times, so no real effort going in to making things work with her yet!
He has a sporting competition mid June and a couple of other events to do with his sport around then too, so I am hoping that this draws him into starting to make an effort as he really does not want to miss them.

Are you hoping he will make a move towards behaving differently towards your mother?

As he is significantly older than my older son I'm somewhat out of my depth here, but I'm just asking simple questions anyway

Yes, pretty much thats it.
He behaves terribly with Mum, in a way that he doesnt with anybody else.
The way his Dr described it is that all his emotional difficulties and frustrations are caught up in his relationship with her.
He needs to learn to seperate them out and to realise that he is treating her badly.
At the moment he does not believe he is treating her badly at all.

Some examples of the way he behaves at home are:
He will wake Mum up in the middle of the night shouting and swearing and saying she has stolen his watch (or something else) and that he's not letting her sleep until its returned

He will blow up into a huge temper over very very minor things and get aggressive with it - he's taller than Mum so can be very threatening.

He doesnt do anything like that with me though, its all focused on Mum.

Any attempts so far to talk to him about why he acts like that with her have been met by answers from him like 'she deserves it, she's pathetic' etc and thats why I thought maybe getting them both to write down why they act the way they do might make things clearer for him and help him to see that he is overreacting and behaving badly with her.

So does he wake in the night rather than sleeping through.

Or does he stay awake until quite a late hour, while your mother has gone to bed rather earlier?

Often ASD can include difficulties with dropping off to sleep, for example taking a long time. Or I believe, waking in the night. Not just to turn over but more fully awake and active.

He has to have the right help to unlearn those very negative and threatening behaviours. Saying "she deserves it - she's pathetic" and using any sort of aggression is very intimidating from a teenage lad, and I'm not surprised your mum has had enough.

In our local Council there is a specialised social worker who has ASD experience and can 'counsel' (wrong word - it's more structured than that) teenagers with an ASD. I wonder if there's something similar near you?

Have you had a chat with the local autism charity? The National Autistic Society can put you in touch with them, and they may be able to suggest other strategies.

I have a strange feeling he might be very stubborn about making any changes, because he perhaps won't have a clue how to do it unless someone gives him the right sort of very clear step by step instructions. He may not have any understanding that your mum has feelings of her own, so may not know that his behaviour is hurting her. Or at least is quite unable to imagine how that must feel, so his aggression has no consequences for him until he's able to rationalise it more.

So difficult, isn't it. Definitely a bit of specialised help, I'd say.

How was today?