OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER OR JUST A STROPPY CHILD?

[HeinzSight]

My 12 yr old son seems to cause arguments every day, and I mean EVERY DAY. Most of the time he speaks in a rude disrespectful tone. He argues terribly with his younger brother and can be very aggressive toward him, although thankfully he hardly hits him (anymore).

He makes excused ALL THE TIME for his bahaviour, nothing is ever his fault. I've just had a run in with him not 5 minutes ago. Typical boy, he often forgets to change his pants, despite yrs of being reminded. After a fair bit of arguing, I pursuaded him to have a shower. After getting dressed again, I asked him if he'd changed his pants, to which he replied (in a bad tone) 'no, I was hungry and wanted to come down and have some lunch'. Unfortunately I then engaged in a debate with him about how this wasn't an excuse for putting on dirty pants after showering. He then announced that 'he didn't need this' and 'that he was a grown up'

To give a small bit of background, he has been difficult since we can remember, not compliant at nursery, hitting others etc, same continued in school. He had many assessments with experts who deemed his IQ to be high but felt he was a 'conundrum' They decided he had ADHD (hyperactive disorder) and possibly mild aspergers but weren't sure. This assessment was done about 5 yrs ago.

His behaviour is getting more and more challenging these days and he's getting big, almost as big as me.

Just an update, I told him to stop arguing with me and sit quietly on teh chair until I was ready to speak to him again. He sat there fidgeting, putting his jumper over his head, banging the cushion etc. DH just came down and asked what was going on and I said that DS1 had been talking to me in a disrespectful manner again, to which he said 'NO I HAVEN'T', I then said, because you've started arguing again, your time starts again. To which he got up and stormed up to his room, despite me telling him to sit back down, he shouted 'NO'

I'm wondering whether we should revisit the assessment route or whether this is normal pre teenage behaviour?

just wanted to add some more of his 'symptoms'

his social skills aren't brilliant. Frequently his way of interactive with a group is to bull doze his way into a game and change the rules or ruin the game for others. He does however have a couple of recent established one to one friendships.

He often says things that are inappropriate. Example: yesterday we were having yet another debate about I can't even remember, I responded to a remark he'd made and he said 'I wasn't talking to you' Both DH and I told him that was a rude thing to say and he said he didn't realise that. This is a frequent occurence.

I also wonder whether he has difficulty interpreting other peoples' tone of voice and facial expression. It's very hard to tell because he's a very intelligent boy and you could argue that he uses these reasons as excuses, like 'I didn't realise that' etc.

also, he headbangs in his sleep

he struggles with eye contact.

i think there's no harm in an assessment. If it's just him being a bratty teenager, they'll say so.

Agree with Hecate, an assessment wouldn't do any harm and might reassure you one way or the other. Good luck x

thanks for your response so far

Sounds like he has asd traits..

redsock, thanks for your message. I'm at a loss tbh. Having another crap day , it's really getting to me. We're expecting another baby in August and I hate hate hate the bad atmosphere he creates in the house.

TEACHH is a programme worth looking into, perhaps - it's all about visual cues and timetabling, for example, (I've just re-read your op) the pants thing, the order of how you get dressed can be confusing and visual cues to sequence this can really help.

My ds2 (asd, 8) has sensory issues around his clothes, wearing the same stuff every day, no matter how filthy can be an issue at times. He prefers soft comfy things, Adams, fleecy, tracky bottoms are a must!

However,with another baby due I'm sure you want some resolution or understanding about what is going on for him, probably reassurance as well xx

Search for 'A Day in the Life of Amber' - sn section, it's very informative about aspergers.

Thanks HelensMelons, I've been reading through the Amber thread. Makes very interesting reading. There are a fair few traits that DS1 has.

He doesn't like gravy or ketchup on his food, doesn't like hugs, is always seeming to forget things, like brushing teeth. Forgot to change pants again today, DESPITE yesterdays hoo har! A lot of these things when pulled up for he gives such an attitude over we put them down to laziness.

He told me this morning that he forgets when he's shouted at someone, or when someone's got really cross with him. But it's hard to know whether he's just saying thsi for effect or it's genuine.

Have read through some more messages.

Another thing we've noticed is his complete aversion to us helping him with his homework. As far back as I can remember it;s always been the cause of huge arguments. It's almost like he can't stand the idea that we might actually know what we're talking about.

He lied to us a while ago and said his teachers had told him that parents were to have no involvement in their homework because it counted towards their assessments. We brought this up with his teachers and they said the absolute opposite was true, ie the more involvement from parents the better!

WHY does he have such an issue with us helping him with his homework. As soon as I ask to look at it you see his body language change like he's getting ready for a fight.

Hello Heinzsight - I know that you posted your message some time ago but I hope you get this reply. My DS2 sounds exactly like yours - right down to the clothes, homework etc - I found some help with all the Ross Greene books but has reached stage where now in a lot of trouble at school as well Have an appointment in March with CAMHS so fingers crossed and hope everything has improved for you

sounds like you are having a very hard time,ive got a 5yr old with similiar problems,he is getting assessed very soon,its such a hard job,when you were told it was adhd,did you opt for treament?as i think there going to tell me my boy has it,and not sure what to do about treatment.good luck with him.