What do you do when they're melting down?

[Shells]

I would really appreciate some experience and advice here as I'm at a loss.

DS2 is just 5. He has delayed and disordered speech and autistic tendencies, although no diagnosis of autism. He is generally quite a laid back kid and I haven't had a huge amount of non-compliant behaviour from him, and when I have its been fairly easy to distract him or calm him down.

Lately however its been getting worse and he gets himself into a complete pickle (over something very small usually) and it seems so hard to get him out of it and I wonder what the best thing to do is.

So for example we went to visit friends at Easter. Arrived at their house and he'd taken his underpants and jeans off in the car as he was hot. I told him he needed to put them back on. He totally kicked off. So I sat in the car with him and calmly repeated myself about 1000 times. The others went in. Now he knows that the friends have lots of toys he likes. He knew there was going to be chocolate. But there was no way he was going to give in and put the jeans on. So I kept persevering and he got more and more distressed. Then I got cross with him and told him he had to stay in the car on his own (I sat outside) which usually he hates. But he just sat in the car and sobbed. We ended up by compromising on just wearing underpants. But that took a whole hour of back and forth between the two of us.

And then an hour later he'll do it again over having to go to bed, or get in bath or whatever.

Now I am trying to prepare for these situations a bit better with visual charts etc. But what I'm really interested in is how you diffuse those hysterical moments. All the tactics I'd use with my NT son don't seem to work and I'm worried I'm just making DS2 worse and more upset.

i find with my ds he wants to be like other children he wants to walk without holding hand he wants to run off up the road with them

but only difference is the other children look where there going he looks at whatever or who ever not where his going so he runs into things or steers into the road follows the lines

he cant have the same independence so ive found the balance im happy with he likes to be a winner so mummy walks on the road side he walks on the winning side away from the road

he wants to not hold my hand he can walk beside me or just in front but if i see he wants to run off i then distract him and stop for a drink or i'll get biscuit and get him to walk beside me again

its about knowing my ds the tell tale signs of when his going to be uncontrollable and avoid it with distraction sometimes im caught out but we'll just sit on nearest bench until his calmed i pay no attention when his calm i stay cheerful come on then mate lets keep going we can look at the signs up the road do you know what numbers on them he's soon back to holding my hand and happily pointing out shapes and numbers

ive found it very hard alot of advise has come from my never ending supporting people on here but the rest is getting to know ds and his triggers some i cant explain and others ive learnt i let him do what his comfortable with and i pick my fights with him choices work the best so if he knows his getting stickers and wont hold my hand for instance hold my hand at the road or we wont get them stickers if he holds my hand good listening and carry on

or say even hold my arm or let me hold your arm or your hand i always get a result

bubblaboy too likes to jump and mess around i have to say walk properly in roads last time he collided with a post on the other side he often does this as doesnt pay attention at all

also im always trying to explain to look for other people luckily at last minute he does notice but we have had the odd walk into people etc he doesnt seem to look up always down at lines etc

but luckily i am quick to apologise to others and so far people have been nice about it and at least he has some independence now when out

just reminded me he was walking with head down the other day and walked into someones wing mirror lol it odes make me laugh at times as i see it coming but he doesnt seem to hear my warnings luckily he laughs but trouble is tries to do it on purpose the next time

and crossing road he walked into a parked car we do have these things to contend with but as long as his safe otherwise and learning that im sure he'll be ok

thats what were working on now looking out for other people etc

We had a bit of success yesterday when he had a major meltdown about having to leave a friends house.

I sort of did the Lingle/Tclanger thing of saying 'good boy for getting in the car' - before he'd done it. And then spent ages acknowledging he was cross. 'Poor you, you don't want to go home'. 'You're so cross' etc etc.
And it calmed him down enough for us to drive home without him getting out of his car seat belt (another problem).

Then he didn't want to get out of car so I just left him there for 5 minutes and he was fine after that.

So I felt quite pleased it hadn't got to confrontation level and I really wasn't stressed at all!

Its so funny what you get pleased about isn't it. I was also pleased that he managed to keep a top on all day yesterday (no bottoms - just underpants) and I could see the funny looks visitors were giving us, but I was thrilled! Quite often its naked these days....

I was thinking of this thread yesterday, while prising DS's fingers away from lamp-posts he kept clinging to because he didn't want to go back home (all the while screaming no! no!). Aren't children with ASD supposed to want to be in a safe, familiar environment, rather than in a noisy street? [hmmm]

Have just stumbled across this thread and only skim read it - but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with a half-naked child most of the time! I think you just have to pick your battles, if DS2 is happier in just his pants and vest at home (or other peoples homes for that matter!) then I can no longer be bothered to force him into clothes just for the sake of it! Dressing him for school or if we are going out is a nightmare, although he is usually fine once we are out and about. During the winter, he refused to wear a jumper, til DH came up with the cunning idea of putting his jumper on first, then favourite t-shirt over the top - looked ridiculous but DS2 was happy so problem solved