concerned about friend's child, she has concerns too but how can I support her?

[concernedfriend74]

I am a regular but have namechanged because I think other people who know this friend lurk on mn and I am identifyable so the friend would be as well iyswim.

Friend's ds has just turned 4. He has always been a very challenging child in terms of behavior but had never considered that it was a problem really, after all 4 year olds can be challenging at the best of times.

But recently have noticed that his behavior seems to be a lot more than just typical challenging behavior, and I know that she has been worried about it as well.

Firstly, he is very violent. He will kick, punch, lash out in all manner of ways but mostly against his mum. He is what you might describe as a very stubbern child, and he will refuse to do things he doesn't want to do. And he's a big boy for his age, taller than my own child who is six so friend finds it very hard to make him do something he doesn't want to.

This has escalated recently to the extent that he has flatly refused to go out of the house, and yesterday she asked me to pick her dd up from school as he refused to walk.

One other thing that has struck me is that he lives in a world of imagination. He is obsessed by Thomas and he lives in the role of Thomas, with his mum being the fat controller, and only doing things if he can do them in that role iyswim.

It struck me because the behavior is very similar to that of another child who is in my ds' class who is currently undergoing various assessments.

I know my friend is concerned about her ds' behavior, but I don't know what I can do to support her. She gets little or no support from her dh, so is practically single parent to three children even though he does live with them.

I have taken her eldest child to/from school and have had her and the little boy in question over to mine t play. But I can't help thinking she needs a bit more support than that, perhaps even from a professional.

Is there any way of suggesting that without making it seem as if I'm labelling her child?

what do school think?

nursery lol. sorry, got confused!

next time she mentions being concerned I would suggest she talk to nursery (if he goes!) and/or HV or GP (whichever she feels is most empathetic). or parentline [http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/], for general advice, a friend called them last year when she was stressed by her child's behaviour and found them very useful. if she's near a surestart or children's centre, if she starts going to activities there, then that's a useful way of getting access to childcare workers etc who could give her advice.

does the little boy seem to have any language/communication problems?

Nursery have put various strategies in place to deal with his behavior but friend hasn't gone into detail about whether they think there is cause for concern or not, and I don't want to ask because I don't want her to think I'm sticking my nose in.

OK - so it sounds like the problems are being recognised and dealt with, and possibly he is waiting to be seen by a professional. In that case - I would just continue to be there for her, i.e. carry on socialising with her and her family - as it can be very difficult maintaining a social life if you are worried your child will behave badly in public/at other's house. and listen if she wants to talk about her worries.

when my boy had severe language delay - one friend I found particularly helpful would say "I don't know much about this at all, but I can see that it must be very worrying for you" - sometimes someone not trying to pooh pooh your concerns or make you feel neurotic and accepting you have valid concerns can make a huge difference.

one simple thing you can try when you are with your friend's boy (if you aren't doing it already) is to give lots and lots of notice before changing activities (e.g. dinner will be ready in five minutes, so you have to stop playing soon, dinner will be ready in one minute etc)

I would say he didn't start to talk in coherent sentences until he was three and even now when he speaks it is quite unclear, but whether that is a language problem or not I really couldn't say.

His speach isn't what I would describe as typical of a four year old, and compared to his siblings (one who is six and the other 19 mo) there is a very noticeable difference, even compared to the baby who talks very clearly compared to him.

he does struggle with having to do something without being given notice of it. But equally he struggles with being told to wait, iyswim? So if at the park he says that he wants to go home and his mum says "In five minutes," he will become more and more distressed until they eventually leave for home. When he wants to do something, he wants it now.

ah so advanced warning would just wind him up as well, so it's a hard balance. in terms of the language - any speech/language or hearing problem would cause frustration and challenging behaviour - and if he does still have any language problems, then he might not always understand what you are saying/asking him to do - so if he doesn't seem to be doing what you ask, try gestures/simpler language.

You're in a very tricky situation unless you are close enough to your friend to offer her advice ie: for her son to be referred to a developmental pediatrician, via their GP. They would probably advise he also has an audiology test and a speech and language assessment.

Do you think she would freak out if you suggested this? It would be quicker than waiting go via his nursery, in my experience.

Hi
I think ICANDOTHAT is right. She should probably look into potential physical issues first (i.e. hearing) that may be the source of the problem.
Is he acting very different with his dad? Is his Dad acting differently than your friend towards him?