could this be ASD?

[vezzie]

My best friend is very stressed about her son who is 8 (nearly 9) and having problems at school.

She is very clever about children and has lots of professional knowledge about child development etc but I think she underestimates - partly because of her own excellent relationship with him and how good she is at managing him - how unusually difficult he can be. She is really upset at the situation now. could this be asd? he does things like:

can often avoid eye contact and ignores direct questions often (sometimes concentrating instead on a toy and deliberately increasing play "sound effects" as if to block out the unwelcome social intrusion)

refuses point blank to do certain things at school (he is very good at reading and writing but refuses to do the literacy exercises that they are set which make him apparently very uncomfortable for some reason - he has not done a single one)

will only draw cars - nothing else

is completely obsessed with one tiny toy and has been for many years - focusing on it, rotating it, refusing to be separated from it

is hysterical in certain situations at not getting his own way and can run off in the street etc, causing great anxiety to whoever is looking after him

His not being willing or able to cooperate in certain situations at school is now becoming very problematic to him and to his mother who is very stressed. Do you think she should be exploring this from a SN / ASD perspective, if the school are not? and what can I do to help?

thank you

It's difficult for any of us to say for sure, but personally speaking I'd say it just could be an ASD, yes. But what to do about it - that's difficult. Because it's a friend of yours, I suspect she might react badly to any suggestion that she's missed something this significant. And if the school is not doing their job in investigating something like this, that makes it doubly difficult.

What can you do to help? Be there. Listen. Support. Try learning about ASDs and see if some basic techniques work for him when you're in his company. People don't have to 'name' the ASD to still be able to suggest something that might help, so maybe you can suggest one or two things she could try that would seem very normal things to suggest and wouldn't lead her to think "heck this mate of mine thinks I'm an incompetent mother with a disabled child - how dare she!" (or whatever it is people think under these circumstances).

Thanks, Amber. We are very close and she knows I am very fond of her son but I agree it is one to tread carefully with.

I suppose I don't need to be the professional here, just the friend - it's just that I think that there are various very positive things about this child and his family that could be masking SN in a context where teachers have so much else to focus on (I mean he can read and write well, etc, and always has the right things in his book bag, that kind of thing - he has lots of support at home). I also think that my friend is very focused on education and thinks of herself and her family as extremely able - it is part of her identity if you know what I mean - and I think it would be hard for her to make the leap to consider SN. Maybe that is all the more reason why the suggestion should not come from a friend.

thanks, mumslife. the thing is, he currently has big problems at school through not being able or willing to cooperate or fit in with certain things in class and playtime. still, i agree that it is not up to me to try to dx, just be a friend. i think on reflection i should leave wondering about causes and just try to be supportive. thanks for your thoughts.