What is your verdict on this situation?

[hereidrawtheline]

Its not that important but I want your opinion on it anyway if you dont mind. DS is making a lot of decisions and then changing his mind. We are sensitive to the fact that he is by rights a loony 2 year old so you know dont hold him to much! LOL But some of it is a real hassle, because he is going into major meltdowns over it a lot.

Example. Every Monday am we go to playgroup, where I organise the craft. So I have to be there as I have the supplies with me here at the house. I have already decided I will have to stop having this responsibility as its too random with DS but I havent had a chance to tell the PG organiser yet so I still have the stuff for todays (Mothers Day) craft.

DS got very upset this morning and begged me not to go, he said he was too tired, he had to go to bed, he was crying, saying "please mama, please no playgroup, I need to go to sleep" etc for ages. I explained to him several times that it would mean missing PG and he said "yes that is fine, no PG" again and again and kept repeating he was tired, and crying, and had to go to bed. He took himself off to his room and climbed into bed & curled up. So I called the lady who organises it to ask her to come by my house to collect the craft stuff. I couldnt reach her so left a message on her mobile. PG is in an hour. I told her DS was not feeling well and I really couldnt take him out.

As soon as I hung up the phone and went into DS's room to start the process of putting him to sleep he sat up and said he wanted to go to PG. I was gobsmacked as for the last 30 mins he had been saying the opposite. I had to leave the room to calm myself down for a few mins. He went into full meltdown now begging and screaming and tantruming over wanting to go TO PG.

I thought about it... I mean, I am inconveniencing the organiser by not getting there myself with the supplies. But I cant be doing this anymore with DS. It has been constant. So I put my foot down and said "No, we are not going. I have already cancelled and said you are unwell and that is it we are staying home today." And I weathered the tantrum. It lasted 30 mins so not too bad. Then he said he wanted to go to bed. I have now put him to bed with the normal bed routine but I do fully expect him to get up in the next 15 mins. I dont think he will actually sleep. To be honest I dont really care if he sleeps or not at this time of the day its the point that I cant be jerked back and forth about what we do.

I know that if I had relented and said "ok fine we will go to PG" that while I was getting us dressed/in buggy etc he would have kicked off again saying he was too tired. So there is no end in sight for me. I cant make the right decision.

So what do you think?

i think you make the decisions lol.

sn or not, he is 2...

if he's tired, take him in a buggy and tell him he can sleep there - you can bet your life when you get there he won't fancy sleeping so much.

small people are well known for changing their minds - all part of the perfectly normal attempts to prove they are a separate human being and have some control over what they do/ want. growing independence and all that.

you are the mummy lol. if you go to playgroup on a monday, that's what you do (unless he's ill, obviously)

toddler taming by chris green always works for me when i'm having an 'omg is this sn or normal bl**dy minded toddler' stuff.

well the thing is I am not sure if he is ill at the moment. He has had a runny nose for a while and been even more than usually very whiny and upset over everything. So I think he is under the weather. And as it happens I was wrong, he is fast asleep now. And he never ever ever has slept in his buggy so that is not a possibility. It has to be in his bed with all the right things in place. And if I take him to PG and he is really overtired or stressed then its a miserable experience. So actually I am really glad I made the decision I did.

think you were absolutely right to make a decision and stick to it - I think that sticking to it is actually more important than the decision be right.

DS2 does this a lot. The way we get around it is say "DS2, first this, then that" Works a treat. Stick to your guns about what you need to do, and he will soon comply.

You also have to remember that not everything he does is ASD related. He will push boundries at 2, terrible twos are so uch fun . Yes there is a fine line sometimes, just go with your instinct.

absolutely - you stick to your decision, not saying you should change your mind and go lol. just that if my decision was to go to playgroup, and ds wasn't ill, i'd have gone to playgroup. i might have been tempted to get him there to drop the stuff off, and see how he was when i got there in your situation this morning, but ultimately, as long as you are the one that's in charge, you can make whatever decision you like.

two year olds do change their minds every two minutes though.

i've spent many miserable hours at mums and tots lol. but it got me out of the house.

I agree. DD can say in one breath two contradictory things, so I just pump for the most likely, and it is tough luck if I get it wrong. That means weathering the screaming, kicking, bucking & writhing that goes with it.

I wonder a little if some of your dilemmas come from DS being your only child. I find that because I have DD2 to consider as well, I feel much less conflicted about making a decision that is unpopular with DD1, although the meltdowns are hideous, because I can say "no, it's DD2's turn, or DD2 really wants to do x,y,z so we are". I suppose you don't feel justified to say "I want to, so we are"? The trouble with that is that in some way you can end up reinforcing some rigidities that could have been just phases.

You have my every sympathy. My DS still does this at 8 and it drives me up the wall. Like you, I stick to the first decision and think it's right to weather it out otherwise we're pandering to their every whim which isn't healthy for anyone.

The story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" may come in useful to you before long!

DS1 has just started doing this - but I must admit in his case ( and for now) it's great to hear him using language to interact with me! But in your case, I think just sticking what was agreed first is the best policy.

im a firm advocate of the 'red shoes, blue shoes' trick.

eg. you ARE going to the shops, you KNOW he will object, and he is asked "when we go to the shops would you like to wear your red shoes, or blue shoes?" it can work with ANYTHING. eg Dinner, which plate? School, which bag? Bedtime, which teddy/blanket?

Of my 5 children 4 comply beautifully and think they have made the choice. Must admit tho DS4 is proving slightly trickier, but its just a matter of being inventive: " would you like a banana on your head, or shoes on your feet when we go shopping?" he rolls round laughing, and jobs half done .

Good luck!

love the red shoes/blue shoes!!

Well... DS went to sleep at 9, and only got up 15 mins ago, so 12:50, so I'd say he is under the weather to be that tired that time of day. I slept too which was great!

I agree this is a two's thing not necessarily an ASD thing. I am just in that tricky stage of trying to work out where you (coughcough) draw the line between discipline and help. But in this instance I am pleased with myself I think I got it right. I think he had the right to say he didnt feel up to going, and he meant it, but got cold feet when I actually put it into action. So I did the best thing for both of us by sticking to it - me, I gained some cred and a nap, and him he got a much needed rest.

miscutandstick...

I also do this to avert melt downs and disagreements. Choose two outcomes you like and let them choose either. As long as you don't give them a choice you don't like "Or you can stay in the car". Only made that mistake once!!

Also distraction/deferral. "Quick it's a race and I'm going to beat you to the door, first to touch the door wins.." etc...
"We'll just go in this shop and then we'll go home. What cshall we have to eat when we get home?" " Mummy is going to put her shoes on her hands. Can you help me " Much laughter and 'silly mummy' ensued" completely forgot to be floppy and tired.

Ahh those were the days. 5.5 now and far to flaming clever/articulate.

BR

BR