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SN children

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Original poster

Advice needed re ASD children and "surprises"

9 replies

basementbear · 10/03/2009 14:51

We have just started the process of trying to get a DX for DS2 of Aspergers, and I am still quite clueless regarding how to deal with all his funny little ways!

I just wondered if other parents have similar problems with presents and surprises that we have. For example, if DH comes home with a little treat he'll do the hiding presents in his hands behind his back, chose a hand thing, so DS1 choses one hand and DS2 has the other. DS1 is always happy and surprised to get a treat, but DS2 quite often reacts badly, saying "I didn't expect that!" or "that's not what I wanted!" same with birthday and Xmas presents. I used to think that he was just an ungrateful little so-and-so but I am now beginning to think he just can't cope with the surprise element. Has anyone else experienced this?? What did you do?

OP posts:

amber32002 · 10/03/2009 15:11

Hmm, well, for what it's worth, dh (who's ASD) can't cope with surprise presents at all. He'll hide for hours after any surprise gift.

Yes, it's very much an ASD thing. Not always, but very often. We don't 'do' surprises. We need to know what it is. I don't like surprises either, but years of painstaking social practice means that I know to always, always say it's lovely, and smile and thank them, and admire it. Then afterwards in the privacy of my own space I can encounter it properly, and suspiciously. What does it do? Does it do something scary? Does it smell? Does it have some crinkly packaging that is rough to the touch? These things can't be rushed, y'know.

bubblagirl · 10/03/2009 15:23

could you do a choice does ds want this or this and make sure its just given as choice rather than surprise

i have to tell my ds whatever it is his getting im going to get you a xxx or what do you want and he gets what his asked for its all so exact

his not too bad on surprises the element of surprise he likes ooh what is it etc and then no and puts it to one side if his not sure of it

so maybe have 2 things at hand and ask which one he would like

bubblagirl · 10/03/2009 15:25

i find with my ds i have to be exact but choices work really well as he then has element of control over it but can still enjoy giving and him receiving its training your brain to think and understand how his works

we find this really good with ds more so he knows what to expect and feels reassured for himself but still enjoys whatever it is and we still enjoy giving him it more so because he likes what he has as he chose it

Original poster

basementbear · 11/03/2009 13:16

Thanks both of you, I agree I need to retrain my brain so that I can think along the same lines as him. I already know how he is going to react most of the time, but the presents thing is still a bit tricky especially when other people give gifts. DS1 knows how to react, and will always say thank you nicely even if it is something he doesn't like or already has, but DS2 can't help but say exactly what he is thinking

OP posts:

Marne · 11/03/2009 13:23

Dd1 doesn't do surprises either, christmas is a night-mare as she comes across as being ungraitful. If i tell her she has a surprise at home she gets excited, asks what it is and then when she gets it looks disapointed (because its not what she thought it was). I let her choose what she wants as a gift or a reward to save disapointment.

Tiggiwinkle · 11/03/2009 13:37

We stick very closely to the list DS does for Christmas and Birthdays so he more or less knows what he is going to get.

He is getting better though-these occasions used to be really miserable, for him and for us.

Giving choice between two things is not a good idea with him, because he finds choosing very difficult. He seems to be afraid of choosing the wrong thing.

He is also learning to look grateful when he gets a present from other people, even if he is not happy-he is 10 now.

mumslife · 11/03/2009 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

basementbear · 12/03/2009 12:42

Thanks again everyone, DS2 is just 5 and now that I am beginning to understand how to deal with his little ways life is becoming so much easier. Instead of always trying to get him to conform to what is expected of him, I am realising that life is more fun for everyone when we are able to anticipate what might cause a problem and find a way around it. I'm now able to appreciate my lovely DS for himself, rather than wanting him to be like everyone else!!

OP posts:

wraith · 23/03/2009 22:21

the surprise thing or at least the social aspect is something that will likly get stored as they get older, many adult aspies copy appropriate responses from nts and store those actiosn fo use
faking reactions so to speak.

its just a matter of data in the end they will either react apropriatly ater suficient info has been obtained as to what that is or not

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