How to help DS's social skills delay?

[sc13]

Please redirect me if this has already been discussed in the past - I searched old threads in vain.
DS (almost 3) has language delay, social skills delay and is waiting for assessment.
No sensory issues or rituals I can see. I have a handle on the language thing - I see from other MNetters that improvement is possible.
But I'm getting very pessimistic about DS ever acquiring social skills. His longest sentence to date is: 'I don't want to go to nursery'. Every morning there is a different list of things he wants to do ('want to sleep', 'want to jump', 'want to sit down') rather than get ready for nursery. He doesn't join in with activities, he avoids children his own age.
Is there anything I can do to help him? Or should I just change childcare: childminder perhaps? Thank you!

A BIG BUMP

IME
1)it comes as the language improves.
2)the right nursery can make a vast amount of difference. DS's first nursery was very bad for him; private nursery staffed by well-meaning but clueless young girls. His next nursery, a school nursery (in a deprived area and used to having kids with language delay) was much better and DS was much happier there.

I wouldn't say a cm would inevitably be better than a nursery - a lot depends on the skill of the carer in dealing with language delay.

And we went through a phase where DS's best sentences were the negatives e.g. "Don't put it back!" - I suppose it's a very strong motivator LOL.

sc13. Have you seen my posts about the discrepancy between my DS2 at home/on playdates (reasonably sociable) and at nursery (withdrawn)? It is like two different children, though we do seem to have had a breakthrough at nursery with these visual timetables as they reduce anxiety which is obviously an inhibitor.

You may need to start with 1-to-1 playdates. I think you said you work full time? Can you invite other families for lunch on a Saturday and do the activity your child likes most? But without pressuring him or pushing him at the other child. Something like going to the park after a meal would be nice - sitting in the back of a car with another child, that sort of thing.

I hang out with two professional nannies on playdates and they see their afternoon playdates with me and DS2 as part of their work of promoting social development in their charges. So I can see that a childminder would have the freedom to take a slightly different approach.

Don't underestimate the effect of a receptive language delay at nursery - imagine if we had to suddenly move to a workplace where everyone spoke in Italian (eg. a language we had a smattering of), we would find it very stressful! a visual timetable can help make things less bewildering, also staff should make an effort to keep language very simple, and support languages with gestures/visuals etc.

Thanks to both - have also sent for 'More than words' (extremely expensive) book.
Keeping an open mind re nursery - talking to the manager again next week, they're nice but I don't think they have the right training/experience.
'Don't put it back' is very impressive!! I always feel more optimistic when I hear about TotalChaos Jr. and how well he's coming along

Sorry, cross-posting. I'll search for that post, Lingle, thanks. We've only just started with 1-to-1 playdates - so far, it's been me chatting away to other mother and DS doing his best to avoid the other child. But will persevere!
About the visual timetable, I'll propose it to the nursery and see what they think.

I think you chatting away and him avoiding is not too bad a start. Work towards having him comfortable in the same room - don't push him towards the other child.

What does he enjoy? Can you list things he enjoys and figure out whether other kids do anything like it? Slapstick is DS2's passport to getting to know other kids.

Does he have playdates with other Italian speaking children? My friend's bi lingual child did seem a bit 'delayed' in the early years because of dual language processing. She did have other friends whose children spoke the same language and that helped. Sorry if that's just not practical. Obviously bi lingualism is a fantastic gift but is it possible that he feels different at nursery because the children there don't speak his home language?

Playdates so far have been with other Italian speaking children, and they have been in park playgrounds because going to the park is the thing DS most likes doing (or taking the train). He doesn't like staying at home at w/ends; he gets his coat and goes to the door, and wants to be out the whole day.
So parks, and we've had DS climbing frames that are too high for him and dangling from bars, the other children in pursuit because I guess danger is attractive, and in one case the other mum telling her DD not to follow my DS's [implicitly bad] example and to just go and play on the slide. I despair sometimes.
The nursery has done a visual timetable before I even suggested it - brilliant, non?
Thanks for all the posts!

sc13 I wouldn't despair. As the mother of a 6-year old boy with resolved receptive language delay and a love of fast scooters, I would open the champagne at the fact that what your DS likes most is climbing dangerously high and going on trains. These are two things that will attract other boys to him and make them accept him - possibly for the whole of his life. You only need to take one more step - which is to get him to compete with another boy to see who can climb highest - and suddenly his motivation to communicate boy-style at quite a mature level (which appears to consist entirely of trading boasts about physical ability) will be there.

Can you go on a train ride with him and another mum? Again, just being in the same carriage is enough....

Can you cultivate the mothers of children who own large trampolines?

you get the picture.

In all seriousness though, DS1 excelled at physical stuff and it's like carrying a boy passport.

Thanks lingle, that's such a helpful way of looking at it. I am trying to get him into football (team playing and all that); he's still small, but he kicked ball with some random older kids on his last 'playdate' - must be the Italian genes

rofl lingle at "cultivate the mothers of children who own large trampolines". Lingle does have a good point about the physical stuff -at DS's school the boys do a lot of playing tag and racing each other that DS joins in with very happily. I think the park is very good - as the physical stuff puts a child with a language delay on a more equal level with the other kids iyswim.

hmmm, he's quite young for football. Has he got a scooter? At 3-4-5 the physical ones don't really do football together. They do competitive tricks on their scooters. One brand is the best - J something. can't remember its name but will look it up if you want. If one day in the park he sees another boy do a better trick on his scooter and decides he wants to do it too then you are on your way.

Quick thought - one of the things I was reading reminded me - social stuff works better for us if we know why we have to do it.

If a child is told "look at me" but isn't given a clue why, or what to look for to help them understand that person's emotions, then they learn almost nothing from it.

If he can understand why a social skill is important, what it'll do for him, then taught one or two things that will help him watch others more usefully and play more usefully, then that'll really help him eventually.

Got the scooter, but his idea of riding it is me pushing it along, with him looking around and smiling, rather like the Queen in her carriage.
Amber: good point, but that's precisely the kind of thing that someone has to teach me how to do - have sent off for those Hanen books. DS doesn't really have the language level for me to explain it to him, and he doesn't seem to understand rewards yet. It's one of the things I want to ask the SALT this afternoon

Yup, definitely needs some expert thought to help a child without much language to understand social things. Good plan.