Friends who don't "get it"

[Jimjams]

Feeling a bit disappointed. I have a very good friend who I don't see much of now as we have moved away, but we still talk a lot. Recently she had quite a hard time sorting out schools for her ds. You know usual stuff- didn't get the private school of his choice, trouble getting the primary she wanted. Anyway I think I was fairly supportive during all this - made the right noises, rang to see how she was getting on - privately wishing I had her problems- but recognising that that was unfair, and just tried to be generally there for her.

Anyway we had some relaly good news this week. I had thought that I would have to home ed ds1 as I couldn't find a school I liked that I thought we had any chance of getting into. Anyway out of the blue we've been offered a place at a lovely mainstream primary. They are very willing to be felxible- he will get full time one to one support (he's currently being statemented). they just seem to have a lovely positive attitude to inclusion. We saw the Ed Psych today and she said she woudn't recommend him for a special school anyway- she definitely felt mainstream was right for him providing we could find the right school and it sounded like we had. So all in all brilliant news.

So I rang this friend- and she wasn't really interested. She even sounded pissed off (which seems really weird- she has said in the past she didn't see how ds1 could go to mainstream). I'm really disappointed- she was more interested in telling me about her friends kids schools. Maybe I'm being oversensitive. She has been extremely supportive in the past. I just do sometimes think she thinks that things like ds1's education matter less than her her ds's education. Just had that feeling a few times.

:-(

I don't really bother with the friends who can't bring themselevs to say "autism" - but I'm just disappointed as she's generally been really supportive. I do have very good friends with autistic kids, but I would like to think that some of my "normal" friends were rooting for ds1 as well!

I am so pleased that you are starting to get the sort of support that your ds needs. The primary sounds like the right sort of place and it is good to read that some of them exist. And the one on one is terrific, congratulations, as I know that this has happened because of the massive amount of work that you have done on behalf of your ds.
I'm just sorry that you haven't had the sort of help that you deserve from your 'friend'.

Thanks hmb although I think getting the school place was more luck than judgement!

Cooled down a bit now and think I am being unfair on my friend. She has always been so supportive- probably just caught her at a bad time, after all we all have those. Think I'm tarring her with the same brush as others.

I think that you are being very understanding, which is what makes you a good person. I am pleased that your son has this placement. I have a friend who has 3 sons with high functioning autism, and they are placed in a primary school will one on one support. And it seems to be working very well for them. I hope that it does for your ds. Have they considered the 'sensory overload' problems? I ask because I worked with young man with ASD who needed to be switched to a quieter class.

And don't sell yourself short. You are your son's best advocate.

Jimjams I know that feeling when you want a friend to react a certain way because you expect they'll share your joy having been through something with you - it's such a disappointment when they don't isn't it? It can be really deflating and irritating - I do see your point about her problems! Great news about your ds though. My sister has worked with an autistic boy for about 4ish years now doing Lovas technique (sp?) and he started mainstream school a couple of years ago. I know you were thinking you might have to home ed but actually isn't it great that you don't have to, unless you want to? We're pleased for you here anyway

Yes we need to talk about the sensory stuff. It's quite a new school building so I'm hoping there will be room for a chill out zone.

I'm also thinking of getting written into his statement that no-one uses a hoover in his vicinty! (Don't think they'd do it twice!) He freaked out today because the hoover had moved when he got back from nursery (about 2 inches!)

Glad your son's friends are doing well. I think with the correct attitude from the school they can do really well. Under the dyspraxia problems DS1 is high functioning so I think it has to be mainstream really. So much seems to depend on the Head- now I'm hoping this head stays forever!

Thanks www. Did Lovaas work well? We looked at that but decided it wasn't for us (and not only because it costs about twenty thousand pounds to do!). I think it can be helpful for children who have very severe problems.

I am pleased to have the option to try school- I will still HE if it all goes wrong, but nice to think it might work out.

If it does work out then it does mean that ds2 won't be going to the Steiner school - logistally can't manage a trip Dartington every day, but it would be nice for him to atend the same school as his brother.

Really wasn't expecting to get this option so very happy indeed.

Jimjams I know exactly what you mean. It wouldn't hurt to find something positive to say would it, especially if she knows how hard it has been for you. When ds was diagnosed with cp we didn't tell people for a while because we wanted to get used to the idea first, and when we did it was only initially to a few people we trusted. I rang one friend to tell her the news, and I don't think she spent even 15 seconds acknowledging what I had just told her. She said "Oh , did I tell you I am having golf lessons?". It really changed the whole way I thought about her, and since we have moved 7 months ago I think I have been in touch once (no plans to either).

It's such a shame, friends get harder to make as you get older, but she made my son and myself feel totally unimportant. I don't need people like that to bring me down.

On a brighter note you always have us .

And a chill out room would be good for all of the kids. Just make sure you ds gets first 'dibs'!

So pleased your boy's got the option of giving a good mainstream a go, jimjams. It really can work for some kids with ASD and I will keep my fingers very tightly crossed that it will work for him.

Re your mate- I do think it may be worth giving her the benefit of the doubt if she's generally supportive, though can see her reaction must have been very disappointing, not to say infuriating!

oh lou- it's so disappointing isn't it. "This subject is embarrassing for me so I won't walk about it". Like the friend who rang up and talked at me for half an hour about her daughter's ballet lessons, and her daughters sports classes, and "forgot" to ask how ds1's assessment was going (she knew he was being assessed for autism). A year later she still hasn't mentioned the A word- so I don't really bother to talk to her.

Golf lessons!!!! Good grief.

Think you're right about giving benefit of the doubt scrummy. I do think I'm being unfair on her and am just being oversensitive as others have been so useless. Not realy fair to compare her with them though. She's put up with me sobbing down the phone at her on numerous occasions

just come back from holiday and so just saw this thread . As I've said before, i found that you find out who your true friends and family are when ds was diagnosed with cp. Friends I expected to deal well it with were terrible and dh's family thought if they ignored it, it'd go away - I wish...

Anyway , keep strong all of you, take care.

Hello Mabs how was your holiday?

Hi Lou - thanks for asking - it was wonderful in Arizona ... and ds was really an angel on the flight. I'd bought lots of bribes beforehand!!

Now i'm just getting myself mentally prepared for a meeting next Tuesday about pre-school statementing for ds ....great eh???!!

oooh good luck MABS. Were doing all that at the moment! Glad the holiday was good.

Mabs - I did search and can't find what CP is stading for.... sorry if it's a dumb question.

Pupuce, cp= cerebral palsy.

Thanks !